I posted this on the EN board but didn´t get too many responses.
Maybe more of you can relate to how it feels to be "newly seperated" and having to handle this, as well:
I need your input and advise again on an issue I have with my sister. I know this is a site about marriage but once one starts to understand the principles of how to make a M work, they might be able to apply to other situations at well. As for me, I´m too hurt right now to be able to do that.
Background: My sister is 9 years younger than I. By the time she hit puberty, I had already left home to go to university so we didn´t really grow up together. We became pretty close 2 1/2 years ago, when my kids were still young. My S had just suffered a nasty break up by her boyfriend and needed comfort and support which my FOO and I gave her. She started coming to our home on a weekly basis on her afternoons off. She said it kind of "saved" her to be with the kids. This schedule allowed me to get some alone time once in a while.
Conflict starting: A couple of times, she couldn´t come. Apparently, I was upset about that and let her know. I don´t really recall any scenes so I assume I have voiced my disappointment in a more or less appropriate way. I only know about her being upset by my reaction because my mother and brother told me so, she never did herself.
Then H and our family left for another country, only for the kids and I to come back a couple of months later. My whole family came to get us and help me with everything. On the trip back, my sister mentioned several times that of course she now would be there for me again, once a week, as she knows how much I need that. I told her she doesn´t have to do that, that I only want her to come as often as she thinks is possible. She insisted.
I need to add that my sister started dating a guy in March, and their relationship seems to be going well. She lives alone and doesn´t have any kids. Her job is a 9 to 6 one.
So a couple of weeks ago, she didn´t show up at the kids´preschool - that´s where we met to pick up the kids together and then spend the day. The preschool staff told me to call her, and she said she couldn´t come as she had to take her rabbit to the vet - it had been sick for 4 days.
I was pretty upset as I had made plans and had had a terribly stressful week and was actually looking forward to her support. So I wasn´t able to show her the empathy that she expected at the rabbit being sick. I was so frustrated that I cried in the car on our way home.
That night I received an e-mail from her basically saying that her life has changed, that it´s not possible for her to come on that regular basis anymore. She listed all the organisational inconvenience - among others some weekly doc appointments she didn´t want to talk about any further -she took to come and told me, since it was important to her, she´d give me her free afternoon as a gift.
I answered that I´d prefer her to come whole heartedly and only if it was really possible. I told her she owed me nothing but that if she did choose to come and pend time with us, I didn´t want to hear the trouble she had to go through to make it happen. I told her, too, that I felt let down by her giving me such short notice as I had been running around all week and nothing got really done and that it would have been totally different had she called me the night before to "warn" me she might not be able to come. I reminded her that she had adamantly (sp?) promised to come, and that I understand that promises might be taken back when circumstances change so they can´t be kept. But I need to know about that as I can only with the information I have.
In her answer she got very defensive: Basically, I caused the whole situation as I had been upset about her not coming when I shouldn´t have voiced my disappointment. Of course, she knows she never told me my reaction affected her but still. And yes, she did feel she owed me to come because "Family are there for each other and stuff." She went on to say, pretty aggressivley, that her life is just as hectic as stressful as mine. She knows it´s not easy for me to adjust to the life as a single working mom but she can´t help. What I need is a real babysitter. She didn´t tell me that before as she didn´t want to disappoint me.
At that, I was so mad and hurt and disappointed that I answered that under these circumstances it might be better if she didn´t come to see us for a while.
And that´s where we´re at now.
I´ve been thinking about this a lot and identified the things that hurt me most about her behavior:
- My disappointment might not have been expressed properly or I shouldn´t have expresed it at all to her. But I never knew that this affected her so much as she never told me. She allowed resentment to build up until it exploded in my face. So where´s her share of responsibiltx in the communication process?
- "Family are there for each other and stuff" applies when she´s in need of help, no matter what situations the other family members are in (I remember the time when my dad lost his job and she not only not supported him but made my parents´life living hell). So this is a pattern. I see no mention of that I might not need only a babysitter ( I can find one and pay) but more a shoulder to cry on.
- When she went through that nasty break up, my kids were her everything and the only joy in her life and so very important. Now she doesn´t even mention how they deal with the fact that after all changes they´ve already gone through in the past couple of months her aunt will not be a steady part of their lives anymore, either. They do ask about her, of course. She doesn´t even ask how they´re doing.
And that maybe hurts me most.
So what now?
(Sorry so long).
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