Three years ago I began to post on this board, having just left an abusive husband, three kids to raise, hadn't been allowed to work in over 5 years and pretty much broke and devastated by it all.

Everyone here gave such great advice and let me vent and talk. So I thought I"d give an update.

On the ex: after not talking to him for 2 years due to a restraining order, he's back in my life and thinks we're buddies. We're not, but I am able to hold my boundaries now and at least deal with him, and he has realized he can't walk all over me anymore. He sees the kids weekly and caught up on back child support, so I guess I can't ask for more.

On the kids: doing well, seeing dad for how he is and loving him anyway. They are now 13, 11, and 9. Wow, they grow fast!

On me: Met a wonderful man through a medieval re-enactment group I'm involved in. We got married last Saturday! We also bought an 8 acre farm with a fixer upper 5 BR house, so we'll be busy. I'm also still employed cooking meals for senior citizens and my boss and coworkers have been so wonderful and supportive.

Really, life is pretty good now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Congrats!!! I'm glad I read your post. I was feeling really down this morning and wondering If my life will ever get better....if I will get over my STBX and will I ever meet someone else and be happy.
After reading your post I have hope now.
Thank you ..
T~

anna,

Congrats!! That is just awesome news, you got married!!! Tell us about your new husband! You said how you meet, but what does he do, does he have any kids, what is the best thing that you love about him!!!!!

I am glad that things are going ok for you finally!!! It's a long tough road with many obstacles!!!!

God bless you, your husband and the family that you will be becoming!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for posting your good news. I was happy to read that your life has taken such a good turn.

Ok, here's the juicy details: I first knew he was interested in me on my 41st birthday....we'd known each other a year and flirted and done group things, but I didn't know he was attracted to me until that day when he showed up at my house with 41 roses!!! After that, he drove 45 miles every Friday to bring me roses and take me out to dinner....

He's a welder by trade, and when things started getting serious, he moved here, rather than making me uproot my 3 kids from their church and school.

He has two children, a daughter 21 who goes to college and is part owner of a scrapbooking store, and a son 18 who works at a factory and plans to attend college next fall for automotive repair. Both are really pleasant, responsible kids.

He also grew up Baptist, just like I did, so we pretty much agree on religious stuff.

What I love most about him is that he's really a partner.....he listens to me and cares about my feelings. He's so kind and considerate, from little things like getting me a soda when we stop for gas to dealing with my ex.....he's always watching out for me.

oops, double post.

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: annasnewlife ]</small>

Hi Anna,

I am new to this board, I am coming from the pregnacy/child board. To make a long story short I have filed for divorce from my WH who has produced a child from his A ( somewhat ongoing A). I gave it a year trying to beg him to come home to his family, meanwhile he said he was but lying and still being devoted to her (OW).

We have small children so I was trying to keep our family together, but he continued to lie and cheat and honestly act like she was more important than us; all the while justifying it by saying he was trying to accept and hadle his responsibilities like a man ( with her not with us). How is that? when we were his family and he took no real interest other than lying to us. An occasional dinner/outing and lovemaking was all that we got.

Anyway I could not take it any longer when he was with her when OC was born still lying and playing house with us but leaving every night. So I changed the locks. He then went into a rage and acted out, so I filed for a restraining order against him. He now sees the kids on supervised visits and pays child support. He has just begun calling me again after two months of no contact. he thinks that we can work this out. He acts as if his only mistake ( no he says it is his only mistake) was having a child outside of his marriage. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me when I changed the locks. ( I had already put him out last oct. but allowed him to come and go as he pleased in trying to work it out)

He threatened me and called me every name in the book. He trys now to play on my emotions about the kids and being a family. He keeps saying he's changed and wants to be with us, but he has been saying that all along and was cheating. He is playing with my feelings; however, I have read your story and know that surely GOD doesn't want me to be unhappy? Everytime I prayed for a sign he gave me one I could not dispute!

So I want to know do you think they really change? or is he just saying it to get back what he's lost ( he's lost everything, his home, kids, family, and now a lot of money$$). what kept you going? Our situations seem so similar, because now my H is doing the same as your like nothing ever happened?

We have only been to court once and he's all of a sudden had a change of heart. Mind you he still lives with this woman!!

What do I do now? - or better yet any advice or just tell me more of your story. It is funny I thought I was all alone!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

I'm not Anna, but my answer to you is "believe his actions, not his words".
He's still with the OW, so he made his choice. If he wanted to return, he'd make it happen, or take an interim step to rebuild trust with you.
Good luck, there are many great resources here.

JT,
I know this is really tough and so confusing, especially if you believe in God and don't understand why he doesn't "fix" the situation. One thing that really helped me was to get in touch with Crisis Intervention Services. THey work with women in abusive situations and my counselor was a huge help. I still call her now and then just to talk.

The next thing would be to read the book "Verbally Abusive Relationships" by Patricia (I think) Evans. It really helped me see how dysfunctional my relationship was and how unlikely it was that he would change.

The third thing I would do is to set boundaries. Tell him you want no contact at all (except that necessary for the children) with him until he is not living with OW. Then insist on no contact between him and OW, and that you two go to counseling together. If he does all that, it will be proof that he is trying to change; but I would still insist on at least 6 months of effort on his part before even considering letting him back into your home. It will be tough, but so much better than letting him back and going through all this again.

Sadly, I don't believe people ever really change. My ex husband now drinks heavily, smokes, and uses meth......things he did before I ever met him. He never did those things for most of the 12 years I was married to him....until the end when I began to stand up to his abusive ways. I often wonder if it was all an act? Who knows.....

JT, regarding boundaries. There was a great post on the EN boards today which I clipped to keep in my person file.
By Myschae:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ‘hills to die on’ would include many of the things that Star mentioned. But, I also include other core agreements that me and my H have made. Basically, I consider anything that would lead to ‘chronic unhappiness’ for either of us a boundary in this marriage. It’s a pretty high standard, but I’ve found that aiming high has been a pretty good strategy.

Here are some of my boundaries:

- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am chronically unhappy and my needs are not to be met. That means I am not going to languish here in this marriage if there is going to be no effort to meet my EN’s after I’ve stated them and communicated them clearly. This marriage is a partnership. That means that if I have a problem concerning the marriage then WE have a problem concerning the marriage. I don’t expect him to accept my proffered solutions; but I absolutely 100% expect him to get on board and help me address any issues that I uncover whether they are bothering him or not. And, that works both ways. Just because it doesn’t bother me doesn’t mean that I don’t dedicate 100% of my resources to fixing whatever he doesn’t like. (This is essentially POJA.)

- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am not permitted to communicate freely about ANY subject or topic. That means that there is no topic that is a LB to bring up. That includes any ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ that I have with the marriage and how I would like to be treated. Obviously, I am willing to negotiate when and how such topics are discussed. But, either we find some way to communicate about difficult or sticky issues or the partnership will break down.

- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am abused in any way. I am not willing to be yelled at, cursed at, called derogatory names, physically manhandled, threatened, intimidated, financially starved, sexually abused, or any other type of abuse. My mental and physical health and well being is put before the needs of this marriage at all times. It is never, even once, OK for my health and well being to be threatened by this marriage. I draw strong boundaries around abusive behavior because I simply have no tolerance for it. Not all the boundaries I draw include leaving. For example, if I’m being yelled at, then I will simply remove myself. Other types of abuse would generate a much stronger reaction.

- I will not remain in a marriage in which retributive or vengeful behavior is used on EITHER side. That means that constructive ways of dealing with problems and issues WILL be used. I am completely uninterested in playing ‘head games’ with my husband. If something is bothering either or us or makes us angry, I expect us to use conventional communication methods to convey that information. Engaging in ‘tit for tat’ type of behavior simply drives me insane. My FOO was really accomplished at this. I put up with it for 20+ years. I am unwilling to bring that nonsense forward into the rest of my life. (This is essentially Radical Honesty and also incorporates eliminating DJ’s.) I refuse to guess what’s wrong with him. Nor, do I ever expect him to figure out what I’m thinking. If it’s relevant, then it’s communicated in direct, respectful, English.

- I will not remain in a marriage in which I am not the primary partner. That means that, while I don’t expect him to compromise his core beliefs and sacrifice himself on my behalf, I come before his mother, his job, his friends, the dog, the cat, the hamster, the fish, the lawn, the housework, etc. When we make marital decisions there are exactly two (2) votes. In laws don’t get a vote. Friends don’t get a vote. The latest Gallup poll does not get a vote. This is not a marriage by committee. I’m not going to compete. Thankfully, affairs have not been a problem in my marriage, but this would also cover that possibility. This also addresses getting the 15+ hours of time together each week. I’ll admit that I’m pretty ‘high maintenance’ and I like a lot of time. The way it works in our relationship is that I get first choice of his time and then everyone else gets to share him after that. It works out pretty well, though. Since I’m confident that I won’t be put second, I can usually afford to be pretty easy to ‘convinced’ to share. (offer me a deal which I can be enthusiastic about).

All these agreements (boundaries, “hills”) do set a very high standard for our marriage. They’ve worked very well for us over the years. I’d say we’re very happy and both seem to rate our martial satisfaction very high. Most of them form the core of the MB program. This is why I am such a strong advocate of MB. My experience shows that a HAPPY marriage is very possible in which both spouses work together and retain both love and ‘in love’ feelings using this system. I heartily encourage you to adopt the MB high standards. Build in things that are positive influences when you state your boundaries. Don’t just concentrate on what negatives you’d like to avoid or eliminate.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you all for responding to me. It feels great to hear what you all have to say. I must admit if I go by his actions then I am right in continuing with my divorce. He has done nothing but talk about making amends, but how do you really do that when he has brought another child into this world outside of his marriage. I am not sure I can ever forgive that, I try but I guess that I am not getting anywhere because his attitude ahs not changed. Would you believe when I suggested we (H & I ) sit down with OW to discuss what her expectations are about this child so we could tell her what we were going to do he told me that it was his business/problem. So I guess that means that I was not to be involved. To me that means that you are more concerned with what she thinks or how she feels about the whole thing and to He!! with me.

All this from someone who claims that he'll do whatever it takes to get his family back. He has done nothing - still nothing. It has been a year and I have been hearing the same exact thing from him. I think this is it loud and clear. I am just afraid of what this is going to do to my kids they are babies ( 2 & 1 ). How could he do this to us? This is exactly what his father did to him - it has all come full circle.

Thank you for the advice I really needed to talk to someone that is going through the divorce process. He also tries to lay the guilt trip on me all the time and I fall for it.

what do you think - My son's 3rd birthday is coming in NOv. I have a protective order against him so he can't come to the house, but he wants to be there. What do you think? Should he feel what it is going to be like to miss those special moments with us ro would I be hurting my son more so?

Thanks for any advice,

JT

Newly- I like that post - I made a copy for him to read tonight on his supervised visits with our kids. Do you think he'll even care?

Anna - Thanks I think I am going to get that book I need all the help I can get. At first I did not even know that he was emotionally abusing me I think I am in denial about so much of this situation.

JT, he won't read it.
As long as he continues to lay the blame on you, he has no need to accept any responsibility for his actions.

And your comment about his father was telling. Many people repeat the problems in their FOO (family of origin) in their own families. It's all they know - unless they choose otherwise.

Stay strong and know that there is support out there for you - whatever your choice. Make sure you have a good counselor to help you through the stress. And when the children get a little bit older, look into www.rainbows.org to help them deal with everything.

Thanks,

Newly, I will look into rainbows.org when they get a little older. I want them to be whole and not embarassed about the situation. Children already have enough to deal with and I don't want their future tainted with the stress of it all. I will be open and honest about it when they are older ( I am keeping good records of it all and have included it in my court paperwork). I do want them to have good counseling so they don't grow up with feelings of inadequacy.

So thank you again for being very supportive, I needed it all too much!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />