As of today I find MYSELF looking for a new place to live. And am hitting myself in the head and saying to myself, "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT THE H*!@&* WERE YOU THINKING?"

Partly this was my idea - I had wanted to stay here in the house and let him leave (especially since he is the one who wants out), but realized how trapped that would make me financially and in terms of taking care of this place. I think I'd be miserable here surrounded by all the memories besides. Also, with 3 acres I can't even do the driveway this winter much less mow the lawn next year. Plus I could not do the work it would take to get it ready to sell either.

We built this house together, and I am now realizing all the little things we included in the place that make our lives easier - all things I will be giving up and finding a whole new life routine, that will be substandard to the one I have now. So, though me leaving seems like the "best" of a few bad options, I am terrified of proceeding. And even with so much for me to give up - I see no other choice. I wonder if I can come through it all without deep anger and bitterness for having to turn my life upside down. Why should I be the one to give up everything when I'm not the one who wants out? Oh well, hopefully I can avoid that phase as much as possible.

Now panic time - where can I go with my 3 dogs? (He is keeping the other 3). I don't know what I can afford - I just started my new job a couple of months ago, and have not even gotten a paycheck yet that reflects all my correct deductions. Plus, as a renter I'm sure I'll have to change my deductions and end up with less $$ from that too.

It's pretty clear H is NOT going to reconsider the D, and also clear to me that whatever is eating at him is out of my control. It still comes down to something "wrong" with me that I can't give him but that he needs, and is convinced there is NO way I could ever meet those needs. When I ask why he doesn't believe people can change and can work at learning to meet the needs of others, he says, "how much work would it take for Stevie Wonder to get his sight back? It's the same kind of problem." That's his perception of it. He also believes (and I really think he does believe this) that he has tried for years to explain what he needed and couldn't explain himself successfully. He thinks he has tried and the failure is because it was an impossible task. He says there is an invisible barrier between me and what he needs and I am not able to see it or even know it is there. He listed off names of several people we know with whom he does NOT have this problem - and the people he included on this list are not people he spends that much time with or knows that well. That really hurt!

He did say if it would help me with the transition, we could separate and not file for the D right away. I think this would be better for me, and he is willing to do that. At least I can focus on setting up my new life (which will be hard enough) without the emotional stress added of all the legal paperwork. Maybe with some distance, it will be easier to be rational - maybe one or the other of us will change how we feel too. Maybe I will NOT want him back, or maybe he WILL want me back. At least if those things don't happen, it will be easier to let go of it.

We had several long talks into the night last night and continuing on this morning. He told me that yesterday he bought a futon and is moving his "bed" upstairs. He moved his toilet articles up there a week ago and has been showering upstairs for several days now. We are, however, spending lots of time together talking and even hugging, and we both are enjoying it. I should see that as a good sign, but he has already said the deep companionship is what he is going to miss about our relationship but that he is prepared to throw it away anyway. We are also going to continue some routines together like dinner and keeping the kitchen stocked, in attempt to keep some normalcy in our lives.

These talks have left me feeling positive for the future on one level. I have had a chance to share thoughts and feelings that just might make a difference for us (or might have a few years ago). I think he gained some insights into things he didn't understand about me and about some of the things that have happened. Not that it will matter now, but I just can't shut out the person I love so much, who has been such a part of my life and forego whatever time we have left. Maybe that's a bad decision - but it's all that's left and I hate to miss out on it. Am I warped or what?

Who knows how long this will continue? The current strategy is based on our refinancing going through so we can pay off bills and mortgages, and he can afford to stay here and I can afford to go. Without this, the financial assumptions we are making will not work and we will be back to the drawing board again.

On another note, I talked elsewhere in this forum about my 180 and wondering how to start living my own life without major LB's. Well, for one thing I'm not sure LB's are even possible anymore - don't you have to care before you can have your "love busted"? (He doesn't seem to be subject to this anymore.) But I did decide how to handle by 180 anyway. I said, "since I'm not part of your life anymore, I have started to move on and make plans for myself to get involved in some other things." He asked what things, and I said I didn't really feel like I wanted to share that part of my life at this time. Since we still share care of our dogs he said we should at least keep each other informed of when we expected the other person to be here to care for them. He also said he wanted to know about when I expected to come home so he'd know when to become alarmed if I didn't return. I said in a short time there would be nobody around to pay attention to my comings and going so we may as well stop worrying about it now.

Sorry this is so long - I am in DEEP pain today, each conversation bringing me closer to coming out of my denial and realizing there is NOTHING NOTHING NADA I can do. I am not used to having NO options. I have become a tear factory. I feel SO SO ALONE. It seems SO hopeless and more importantly so unbelievable that we ended up this way. I still can't believe we are here. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has even felt this way, but today I feel totally alone with it.

I want to encourage you on the 180, in fact, i would pretty much ignore him, and start living your own life. . . his interest in what you will be doing is sort of an indication that the 180 part is more effective than his ineffective communication abilities. . .

I suggest that you DON'T make things normal, but that you become irregular, that you go out with friends (no dating intended) on weekends, etc. . . so that he doesn't not become. . . .

C A K E M A N

he has given you all his crap, and alot of it is self justification for what he thinks he needs to do, so I actually would NOT move out, I would not do anything to help him with his decision, and i would just live the 180, don't pamper, discuss, follow, interact with him on a helpful, lover/wife basis. . . just become roommates, and start living your own life,

and he just might start to miss something that he had that he just didn't realize that he wanted. . .

funny how one must be careful about what one asks for in life.

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> so I actually would NOT move out, I would not do anything to help him with his decision, and i would just live the 180, don't pamper, discuss, follow, interact with him on a helpful, lover/wife basis. . . just become roommates, and start living your own life, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what I was going to do originally but I weighed the risk of me being stuck here if he left, and decided that was the worst of the possibilities. Now I really don't know what to do - I was thinking that if he saw me moving out and getting on with my life - and he is the one stuck here with all our leftover stuff and memories - it would have the same effect as what you are suggesting. No???

I just can't think of any other option that would ensure I don't get left here with a place and a mess I can't deal with.

Wiftty,

Today I tried to do what you suggested. He has been after me all day about it too. This AM when I was getting ready to leave he came in and said, "well, you look nice". Instead of falling over, I managed to say "thank you." Later he wanted to know if I'd gone to church - I am ashamed to admit I lied about it (I did go to church, but don't know what made him guess that as I have NEVER gone to church in the 19+ years since we got married.)

After I came home, I decided to take my dogs out tracking. He left himself without saying anything - and so did I. I was gone about 4 hours. When I came home, he started quizzing me on how the dogs had tracked, and that's actually when he also asked if I'd gone to church this AM.

Now he is bugging me to give him information for the refinancing. I, however, am 2 weeks behind in my schoolwork, and said I had to finish that first. Now that I'm done with that (at least all I'm going to do tonight), I could do the financial stuff - but you know what? I just don't feel like it right now.

Cheers!