I wish I could type a billion words a minute because I have so much to say. BUt I ll try my best to keep this somewhat short.

Me and my wife are 24, we were high school sweethearts. We have so much already in our lives... We got married on March 29th of 2003, our 7 year anniversary. We bought a house last Dec, and recently got a dog in April 04. I thought we had the perfect life.

Since we together since high school we partied together, and not that our relationship was based on partying, but it was an every weekend thing. Soon problems began because of the alcohol consumption. We have both done horrible things because of the alcohol, but have stayed together because we knew it was just the alcohol, and we felt terrible for what we have done.

This summer my wifes drinking got out of control. Bingeing weekly, and sometimes not coming home at the end of the night. This Aug, she was admitted to Hazelden to chemical dependancy.

The first week she was there everything seemed so hopefull, she said to me crying "There is so much hope for us, and I cant wait to come home to you as a new woman". But after week 3 and 4, she pretty much said "I dont know if we can be together" I barely got anything out of her while she was in treatment, she rarely called, never said how she was doing, when I would go and visit her she wasnt affectionate what so ever.

I ended up going to Hazelden for 4 days for a family support program. Im so glad I did, it totally changed my view on everything, I finally realized that I wasnt mad at my wife, I was angry with what the alcohol turned my wife into over this past summer (and other times before). My wife and I met with her counselor for a "family" session, and I thought it went pretty well. We were both under the assumption that she would be going to a sober house after her 28 days at Hazelden, since me and my wife drank together, and that our home may not be the safest place (which was kind of an insult to me... did they think i was going to have a case of beer and a joint waiting for my wife?!) In the meeting my wife said that hopefully she will be right before Xmas, and she would like to have a fresh start. So do I.

Now that she is out and living in this sober house I feel things are worse... And that it someway this sober house is just an escape from reality, or what is really important in her life... her family, our marriage, etc. I know its important for her to stay sober, but I do need to think of my own needs too, and that I want my/our life back.

Now its gotten to the point where she "doesnt know what she wants" she doesnt know "what is going to make her happy" she said she needs to do some soul searching, and cant think about us right now... She also cant even give me an answer if there will be an us in the end. I feel she was totally brainwashed at Hazelden, which is good for the alcohol, but not good for us... thats at least how I feel now... Since she went in, Ive felt ive done everyting I could do to better myself and to better our marriage when she comes home, but I see her not working towards us, just herself.

Why this is also hard for me is becasue this is the 3rd time she has needed to "find herself" Im getting tired of it, I feel Im always sitting here waiting wondering when the hell she is going to come around... Im ready to live my life. I also feel since I have always waited for her in the past, she thinks thats what I will do now, and I just cant do it anymore. Also she is one of the biggest liers in the world, and Im so fed up with that as well... though she has been telling the truth and being honest since she has been out.

We never see eachother, we saw eachother this past Sun, but that was the first day she could make time for since Aug 25th... that really hurts me. But I also think, is it hard for her to see me, all I hear from her is "I f*cked up everything" "I dont deserve anything" She also says "I miss you guys so much (me and the dog) and it makes me want to come home, but my gut is telling me to do what Im doing now"... which is living independant, and to me single. She isnt wearing her wedding ring, she went and got her lip and belly buttun pierced, has no pictures of me in her room (but ive done the same, I have enough memory of her just living in our house) This just seems so not her.... but then again maybe i never knew the real her since she said she's lived her whole life a lie....

here are some emails my wife has written to me:

We do have a lot....i'm with you there...but my question drives from....is
this fair? I know you want me to meet expectations with you right now and I
haven't been meeting them...i am willing to try...especially with the one
about calling every day....but I don't want to stop what I'm doing right
now...it feels good and I feel its making me healthy....i still feel I need
time.....i would be lying if I said I didn't....

I just don't know.....ahhhhhhhh! it makes me want to screw AA and everything
I've just learned and come home and just work on things with you....would
that be right? I'm not sure....neither one sound wrong....i just wish God
would direct me more


another:

Last night in talking to my sister’s I realized that I just need to do what I need to do for today. And being honest I don’t know what to expect from us in the future. I am not going to be with anybody else, but I don’t know if I want to be with you in that sense right now. I love you baby but with the way my mind switches I don’t know if it’s because I’m safe with you and we’re all each other knows, or if we really need to be apart for awhile. Which is what I think is best right now. I don’t think I can give you what you need right now…today….and I understand you need to look forward down the road, but I am worrying about today and I cant go beyond that, because that is what is making me happy and keeping me sober.


Her thoughts seem to change every day and its making me so confused... Ive come to the point, and Im at piece with what ever happends with us in the end... but I need to know somehow... I cant just sit here and wait anymore, its driving me crazy. I also think to myself, what will I do if and wehn she relapses, what Im I going to do if she need to "find herself" again in a couple years... I cant deal with it anymore.

Sorry this got long,

Andrew

Andrew,

Gosh....I truly feel for what you are going through. My H and I just went through a similar ordeal, but he has not given up alcohol. We met our freshman year in college, and had been together shortly after. Alcohol was social in the beginning, but by this last year, had become an almost daily activity.

Alcohol was so degrading in our relationship - and it was something I needed to change - I needed for us to enjoy life - not be numb to it. But it was a request too tall for my H....at least in addition to some other issues.

I really don't know what to say to you with regards to your decision. Only you know what you can and can't handle. But I wanted you to know that someone here can listen and sympathize with you.

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself as well.

Andrew -

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here, but glad you here (if that makes sense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Perhaps I can give you a different perspective. I'm an Alcoholic and active in AA. I've been sober for 3 years. As a matter of fact, today is my 3rd birthday... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When your W says 'one day at a time' it is so true. If we look past today and tomorrow, then we can loose perspective on what is most important - staying sober and not taking that first drink.

If you look at this website you will see references to WS withdrawal when the A ends. Your wife is going thru similar emotions. You see, alcohol is like the 'other person' to us Alcoholics. When we give it up, we have lost our best friend, lover, the one who comforts us most...Sorry but when your W began abusing alcohol, IT replaced the things you had been for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I don't want to stop what I'm doing right now...it feels good and I feel its making me healthy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This says alot - I'm not sure how long she has been sober, but it takes 90 days to rid the body from the chemicals and 7 to 12 months to start the process of rediscovering yourself.

IMHO, they keys for her recovery are:

1.Spirituality
2.Working the steps
3.Continue going to AA

I'm telling you about your W's recovery process because that MUST happen before your M will recover. You are at the beginning of a 1 to 3 year process in your M because of the Alcoholism. Please remember, these are my opinions based on my own personal experiences...

My advice to you is to take your life one day at a time, do things that put a smile on your face, and become the best man you can be while your Wife is healing.

What are you doing to improve yourself?

Are you a spiritual person? (Notice I did not say religious...there's a difference)

Have you read about Plan A on this website?

Let me know how/if I can help you...

Gib

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

she has been sober for 47 days now... What makes it so hard, and Gibby1 maybe you can give me some insight... but she just doesnt care about me or us, that obviously hurts.... She cant even reserve 2hrs a week for me, but she can go off with a sober "guy friend" for the entire day.... that also hurts.. BAD!!

Gibby1, did you go through this process...? of not wanting to do anything with your spouse? I do know her sobriety is the most important thing... I just dont see how our marriage isnt important to her...

Now she tells me she may be staying at this sober housing for 6 months!!! I cant sit here and wiat for half a year to see if she feels like coming home.... Its one thing that if over these 6 months that we grew closer and closer, but at the rate its going we are drifting farther apart....

I dont want to appear giving into her by waiting, but I also dont want to appear that Im giving up...

Im so confused, still...

TO better myself ive been doing everything possible:

I went through the Family Program at Hazedlen, which totally changed my life, I'm going to my Al-Anon meetings, I'm seeing a counselor, I'm living a healthier lifestyle, I'm not spending money, I'm working on my portfolio, and spending a lot of time with family and my(our) dog... I feel I'm putting everything I can give right now... Which is benefiting myself. Im doing all of those things, but I still have that knot in my gut...all day.

I consider myself spirtual, but I find myself not asking my Higher Power for "help", but "why are you putting me through this"

(((Andrew)))

There is an extremely unfortunate part of alcohol treatment programs and that is treatment relationships. It’s something they neither promote nor publish in any of the literature. I went through treatment earlier this year and had the misfortune of seeing many husbands cheat on their wives, many wives cheat on their husbands, and many marriages come to an untimely death. There is definitely a deep emotional attachment that occurs with your peers in treatment and sadly many people misinterpret these feelings. Now I don’t know your wife or if this is what’s going on but it doesn’t sound very promising to me.

Prayers & Stuff

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

Andrew:

Let me try and address your questions one by one...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Gibby1 maybe you can give me some insight... but she just doesnt care about me or us, that obviously hurts.... She cant even reserve 2hrs a week for me, but she can go off with a sober "guy friend" for the entire day.... that also hurts.. BAD!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read her emails a little differently. She is telling you that the future is uncertain and that her recovery is based on one day at a time. I did not go through rehab. I went to AA because I knew I had to change or die. It was that simple. That decision actually took me 3-4 days. I was debating whether death would be less painful...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I dont want to appear giving into her by waiting, but I also dont want to appear that Im giving up... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do what you think is the right thing, not what generates the 'appearance' you desire. My W was deep in an EA during my initial recovery. At the 4 month mark I told her that I was choosing to move out until she could committ herself to us and not her EA. THIS IS IMPORTANT - It is not an ultimatum that you give to your W. It is clearly stating a boundry for you. The VERY little that I know of your situation - I would not have a problem telling your W that if she takes this time of separation/recovery/finding herself and has another A, that the M is over because you can not overcome another infidelity. The 'last straw' so to speak. But be careful...Do not do this with the hope of giving your W an incentive to not cheat. You are simply telling her where YOU are right now and the boundry that has been set.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I consider myself spirtual, but I find myself not asking my Higher Power for "help", but "why are you putting me through this" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May I suggest asking for strength, wisdom, and some serenity. You are not in control of this situation. You control one thing - your actions.

Keep working on yourself, keep moving forward, and let HIM run the show.

God bless and keep posting here. It takes time and this forum can help you through the rough spots.


Gib

Hey Andrew,
Let me start by saying you are not alone. I also can reccomend a website "gettingthemsober.co " I too was with my high school sweetheart for 20 years before this disease surfaced. I have a house 2 kids dog and cat. My wife went off the deep end and was in 4 different recoveries in 2 years with relapses each time. I had to file for divorce and get a restraining order to get her out. I just got that order extended for 18 months with a minimum of 6 mo sober living and a year with a minimum 3 meetings a week. Supervised visitation and she cannot return to the house for 18 months so this is pretty severe. She doesn't want to come home but also doesn't want me to continue with the divorce. Thats the hardest question. Can I wait and "hope" she will be better or should I run for the hills. I have found peace through religion, alanon and support groups such as these and my "decision" will come in time. It is true that recovery doesn't even start until 3 mo and they need a minimum 1 yr to start to make it. Because I have 2 small kids I owe it to them to wait but there is also something in me that knows I also need affection so the mind is spinning. As said in AA Alcahol is a cunning and baffling disease and every case is different. It is easy to overcome if you do 3 things Get a sponser, go to meetings and work the steps FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. This is a big commitment and you need to look within and see if you can handle it. I don't know if I can and hopefully my "Higher power" will lead me
Best to you
Blake

Thank you all for the replies. Things arent getting better, but they are also not getting worse. My wife still continues to call and email throughout the day, so the communication is there.

I know I am the only one who can control how a feel or react about a situation, and why is it I insist on dwelling... thats what makes me feel like sh*t all day. But as always, I continue to do it. I took my dog for a walk late last night to blow off some steam to my Higher Power, and I was supprised how good I felt afterwards.

It is a concern of mine about how much a can deal with... And I hate thinking that, Ive always felt I have been a strong person, and I feel like I would be throwing in the towel or something... But these are issues.... What happeneds if/when she replases, what happeneds when she needs to "find herself" again. Can I deal with her new addiction...AA. Which I would much rather have, but I also want her back, and our lives back... I would hate to think if "I where just to wait a couple more months, things would be great" but I know the months would go by, and I would sit and dwell... How much can I take, I want to live my life... Our lives...

here are some recent emails:

From me-

You have said to me before that im living the life as a Dry Drunk... You said that at our family counseling session at H. I did some research on the term.....



The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what one sees in the dry drunk.



I don't feel I'm doing anything immature right now to deal with life, or my problems... I went through the Family Program, which totally changed my life, I'm going to my Al-Anon meetings, I'm going to see a counselor, I'm living a healthier lifestyle, I'm not spending money, I'm working on my portfolio, and spending a lot of time with family and Dolby... I feel I'm putting everything I can give right now... Which is benefiting myself, but I'm also hoping that I can apply that to us.

From her-

No, I don’t resent you for not going..maybe I regret the fact that I truly have a disease and you don’t. I wish this was all easy.



I don’t necessarily think you’re living as a “dry drunk”….i just discovered a beautiful way to live and I wish we could share the same views…



I think you’re putting in everything you can give right now too…and that is what makes it extremely hard for me…I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!!!!!!!!! This is stressing me out way too bad….


again... another confusing thought from my W....

well all for now...

A

Andrew,

Early sobriety is really tough, I know I went through it 12 years ago and I have sponsered a number of women over those years. Your head is all jumbled and everything you thought you knew, you realize that you didn't. You have to learn a new way of looking at everything in your life, and your thinking.

Your wife has to stay sober before you can begin to rebuild your marriage. This takes time. Don't underestimate what it takes including time.

The program is a spiritual program & remarkablethings happen when these principles are followed.

I commend you for going to Alanon. I go too as I am a "double winner" MY WH & I met in college, partied, like all other college students. In 1992 I did an intervention on my husband & when I went to family weekend, discovered that I was an alcoholic too. From that point on, I went to AA.

My first sponsor didn't want me to go back to my WH until I was firmly planted in AA. I didn't listen to her & we got back together at about 6 weeks. Looking back and knowing what I know today, I wish I had just worked on me and became a new me.

Why not focus on you for a while and see what happens. Be patient. Work the alanon steps with a sponsor. Thats where the miracles come.

Life is a journey, to thine own self be true.

D.

Gibby congradualtions on 3 years!

Lost husband - I didn't know you where in rehab. Is it you that had the accident, hit a bridge? If so was that alcohol related?

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Andrew,

One more thought, It really helped me as an alanon to go open AA meetings and really listen. I learned so much about alcoholics from hearing people share thier stories. I learned not to take things so personal, that there were patterns that most alcoholics did and it was a reflection of where they were not on me.

What would it hurt? You may hear some things that will be usefull to you/

Before I found AA, I went through months of being a "dry drunk". At the time I didn't know what it was, but looking back I can see how different I was then. By working the steps, my whole life changed, I quit debating if I was really an alcoholic because there was no way I would give up the life I got because of AA. Maybe you'll find the same things, and who knows, maybe you'll find your wife.

D

Well things are worse....

I found out that my Wife got kicked out of her sober house.. She said the reason being: She ratted on some people for "using", and then to get her back they made up a story about her so that she would kicked out too... Once again my wife is ALWAYS the victim in everything, can I believe this story? not really.... I would think that a sober houses/communities staff woudl sit down and look into what happened before making such a decision to kick someone out...

Im emotionally numb right now, Im actually laughing about it, not becasue its funny, but just because my body doesnt know what to do with them anymore.

My wifes cell phone bill came, and maybe this is worng of me doing, but I did some snooping... Fellow males out there, if your wife was talking/spending time with a new male friend Im sure you would like to know how often... I would say 80% of the phone bill is to/from this new guy friend..... And since I dont know where or what she is doing after work, all I can do is think the worst...... I feel so betrayed.

Im so tired of this... I feel i have given it my all, and have gotten nothing in return but a 4 hour visit since Aug 24th.

Im going to see a lawyer tomorrow a for an initial consultation.

I feel this is what I have to do, I need to move on with my life. But there is this part of me that is SO nervous right now....

Im I doing the right thing? I think I am....

Andrew

Andrew -

First let me say I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it's hard...

This is a Marriage Building Forum. However, I do not belive that means 'marriage building'at any and all costs. Your decision has to be just that - your decision. If you have searched your soul and and feel content with your effort to save your M, then that to me is the most important thing. One thing the MB plan does is give you the satisfaction that you gave it your best and walking away from the M was the last logical choice.

I'm not sure I could continue the M under your circumstances either... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Gib