Hi

Me and my wife have just reached a stage in our marraige where we seem not be able to get past. Due to me not meeting her needs she has come to a stage where she wants to get divorced. I woke up to the fact that I'm goiing to loose her if I don't do something but she feels its to little to late.
She wants to get divorced but don't want to loose my support and friendship. She also feels that the divorce will not have such a big impact on our children

She feels that she need to regain her independance and that she's already made the decision and are unable to change the decision. She even went as far as to try and borrow money from me to start the divorce proceedings.

I'm at the end of my rope, has already lost 8 kg.

What do I do, just go on and try to start fulfilling her emotional needs from my side and hope for the best?

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: Gustav Kamfer ]</small>

Read up on Plan A on the site, also read the concepts.

And understand that in America, you wife wouldn't need to "borrow" money from you to divorce you, she'd be entitled to take out 1/2 from your bank accounts.

One rule for when your spouse is in deep withdrawal is to only try to meet the needs he or she will let you meet. For the most part, spouses in withdrawal won't let you meet their needs because they don't want to be vulnerable to hurt again.

Also, make sure you eliminate all love busters. My theory, based on the stories here and elsewhere, is that women don't divorce because their needs aren't met. They divorce because of Love Busters. The exeption might be when the woman is having an affair because of unmet needs.

Love Busters undo all the good work that goes before them including meeting needs and following hte Policy of Joint Agreement. They must be eliminated now.

One thing you can do is tell your wife you want to change. List the items you know need to change and be specific. Ask her if you've left anything off the list. If she answers, just add it to your written list. Do NOT comment on what she thinks you should change. All you want to do is show that you are willing to change for her and you have a plan on how to do it.

Hope this helps.

Thanx for the replies.
Newly, we live in South AFrica and she's not entitled to take anything out of my account.

I think I agree with you greengables. We had an incident again this weekend where she asked me for money to buy material for a dress. I turned to het in amazement firstly because a week ago she vowed never to ask me for money again and secondly because I really was pleasently surprised. She interpreted my look the wrong way and burst out in tears saying that she hates asking me for money. This is obviously a need I've been unsuccesful in meeting. Not the money itself but having her feel good about asking me for money. She's got her own account at the moment although this is to late now. We should have done it years ago,

At the moment she's in complete withdrawl agin and I'm afraid of what she's gonna do 2day.All the hard work of the previous week is down the tubes with one wrong look.

I also need to clarify that she's seeing another man at the moment. They both say it's only friendship. I haven't been able to prove otherwise. He's also having problems with his marriage and him and my wife cycle together. A recipe for disaster isn't it?

At the moment it's difficult to tell her that I wan't to change because she's not listening to me at all.

Maybe I should just give it to her in writing. I'm just afraid that it may do more damage than good. I feel it should come out in discussions. She's completely unaproachable at the moment. She went to the same Psychologist than me for one sessions and then stopped. I think she hurt to much and do ot want to go back and try again. She only wants the pain to go away and probably feel that divorce is the answer.

Well, I must try to save my marriage, for both our sakes as well as the children

Gustav Kamfer

Execute a flawless Plan A for as long as you can. Meanwhile read up on Plan B, and you may want to check with an attorney to see what you can do to protect yourself and the marriage. Forewarned is forearmed.

Good luck.

I've seen a lawyer yesterday but came back feeling unsettled. He jumped right to the divorce part and settling this and that. I'm trying to buy time in order for me to get my wife to a stage where she will get out of her withdrawel stage and start talking to me.

In the meantime everybody who had something for my wife before we got married is coming out of the woodwork to give her "support". This is driving me crazy!!!!

Gustav

All i can do is empathise, as I am at virtually the same stage myself. I think the old saying 'if you love someone set them free' might be useful in that the reverse - adding constraints and trying to control the situation is bound to fail. We should try and change ourselves to remove sources of disharmony and hope this brings our partner back to us - but in her own time.

I wish you well my friend and hope to be contact again

Tony

Hi there Newbrit

I mentioned it to my psychologist about setting her free and hope she comes back and her reply was that it only works in the movies.

In the meantime I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for the worst. Is this a sign of not having enough faith in God that he will change me enough and that she will see it in me?

Gustav