I'm new here. Please bear with me. My husband of seven years is an alcoholic. Last week, I told him I wanted to separate, that I didn't love him anymore, that I wanted him to move out, that he has a drinking and drug problem and needs to work on it. He refuses to let me be. We have two sons, 5 and 18 mos. He has not drank in a week (I think). My problem is this: I DO NOT trust him. This is at least the fourth or fifth time I've heard "I'll change, I promise." and "I don't need help, I can do it on my own." He's gone to one AA meeting and is not considering counseling for himself, although he thinks we need marriage counseling. I'm just tired - tired of hearing it, tired of living it. I do not trust him one iota. I'm attending counseling on my own to try and sort out my feelings. I also feed badly because he said I just sprang this on him and "it's not fair". I guess I'm having a moral dilemma with this. I'm happier when I'm NOT around him, NOT talking to him, NOT thinking about him. BUT I'm feeling that it's NOT ok to feel this way. Arrrrrggggghhhhhh. Any suggestions? I don't know if I have any fight or desire left in me. I just want to do what is best for my children.

May I suggest Al-Anon? Anon can change you and sometimes that makes a spouse change also. It is for people married to or involved in some way with an alcoholic, and can help you sort out your options. Are you afraid for your safety or that of your children as a result of the drinking?

Good luck!

Welcome to Marriage Builders Upintheair...

I'm the Alcoholic husband in my realtionship and my wife said the exact same things to me 3 years ago. I have just celebrated my 3rd year of sobriety <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . But I could not have done it without AA. The probabllity of real change is slim without help. Heck, it's even slim with help...

If your H is serious about becoming a better man and staying sober, then he needs help. I tend to agree with Dr. Harley when he says a marriage can not be repaired while someone is impaired...

Staying sober is VERY important for your H, but it's also very important to work the steps and have a support group in AA. In our meetings we start with the following saying..."We thought we could find an easier softer way. But we could not."

I've seen countless people come in for a meeting or two, then they reappear in a year and say I could not do it alone...

My suggestion is to let him know that it's one in a thousand chance he can quit by himself. And it's about 5 in a hundred chance that he will be able to quit with the help of AA. Is your M worth taking the route with the better odds?

Let me know if I can help...

Gib

Gib,

Thanks so much for that reply.

My problem is this - he talks and talks and talks but doesn't ACT. He's gone to one AA meeting, a week and a half ago. Stayed home last Friday and now is helping a friend move this Friday. As far as I know, he hasn't had a drink in two weeks. HOWEVER, in all the reading I've done, not having a drink does not mean he's sober. He's just a dry drunk. And, of course, he doesn't think he's "as bad as everyone else."

I just keep asking myself - what is it going to take? Is it going to take me filing for divorce (again)? I know I can't make him open his eyes and see what he's doing. And, truthfully, I'm tired of the fight. I feel horribly guilty for wanting out, but I'm SO tired.

He definitely wants to go to marriage counseling but I've said that he needs to get help for him first before we can consider that. He doesn't think so.

Oh, where do I go from here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Upintheair:
<strong>Oh, where do I go from here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seriously, to Al-Anon. There you will meet people who have or are dealing with the same issue, and they will help you sort out what to do. You can change you, or you can change your situation (i.e., leave your spouse) but you cannot change your spouse. You need to know what some options are that work with drunks -- it's a dysfunctional situation and needs to be dealt with as such.

Been there, done that after my first M ended.

Why not try the marriage counseling, Upintheair? You know that there's not much point unless your husband deals with his addiction issues, but he's not likely to listen to you, is he? If you find a competent marriage counselor, you'll have an "objective" and "expert" third party hammering the same message home.

I presume you realize that you are in a state of "Withdrawal." Your feelings are normal, but they are not necessarily unchangeable if your husband is willing to do what it takes. Unfortunately, while he may be ready to accept that he has some sort of problem (even if that's just the prospect of losing his wife because she must have a problem), he is apparently not yet ready to see far enough to where it is likely to do some good. Still, if only for the sake of your children, it seems reasonable to take a step in the right general direction to see if it might lead to other more effective steps.

Another thing you might try is not arguing with him when he says he "can do it on my own." Maybe he can, maybe he can't; but the fact is you don't believe he can, and therefore you need him to go to AA if only to demonstrate at least some level of commitment to addressing your insecurities. The fact is, even if he can do it on his own, it's not going to hurt him to go to AA, and it should help. Why make it harder for himself than he needs to?

Really, the only reason for him not to go is that he's afraid to do so, because he's afraid he may see something he doesn't want to see.

But whatever his choices may be, I think Al-Anon is not a bad idea at all for you...