On June 17 I discovered an e-mail addressed to my husband with the title private. I read it anyway becuase i was suspecting that he wa sinvolved with another woman and sure enough...the e-mail talked about how much this woman wanted my husband, how hot she thought it was and how she wanted to have sex with him. She went on to say that if he was gonna leave me it had to be for himself not for her. I had met the woman the weekend before as he had told me her husband had just left on deployment and she was having a rought time adjusting. So we had her over for dinner.
I tried counseling for both of us. I have begged, pleaded, tried ignoring. he kept saying that he wasn't sure what he wanted. I have asked him to stop seeing the other woman, stop talking to her and it has continued. she even called the house this weekend. He has been physical with me- left bruises on my arms, thrown me around a bit which he never has done before. And constandlt blamed me for everything wrong in his life. he has apologized but said he is sorry I got hurt. Not he is sorry he hurt me or he is sorry for the affair.
now he is rufsing to sign the divorce papers because it says adultary. He waned the divorce but won't go see an attorney or when he did even get the paperwork started.
He barely talks to him, sleeps in the downstairs room and is still continuing the relationship with the other woman. he has come on to me and still has slept with me saying that he wasn't sure. I finally put my foot down and said enough is enough. I won't be his second choice since she won't leave her husband. He text messages her 620 times in a month and has the nerve to say to me that if I hadn't read the e-mail our marriage would be fine.
i can't wait to get out of here but i have to stay until the paperwork is further along. How do I keep living with him when all he does is try to pick fights or look down my shirt? Any suggestions?

Do you live in military housing or not? What branch of the service is your H in? How many years does he have in? What base/post are you stationed at?

Please if you can answer these questions for me. I was a military wife for 21 years.

However you should not take any abuse of any kind. You have to protect yourself and any children that might be involved. There are shelters in any community that will halp you with this, seek one out!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We own our own home. He refuses to move out and right now I am unemployed. I don't want to tell the command as i think they have an idea of what is going on anyway and beleive the lies he has told them. he has told them that they haven't been intimate which he swears is true and he hasn't actually hit me. I don't want to go to an abused women's shelter because well he hasn't really abused me.
At this point I just want to stay clear of him as much as I can and get out of here when the divorce is finalized.
He is in the air force. We have been married for 8 years.

Yes he has abused you, you say he hasn't hit you but he has pushed you around a bit.

I have over 40 years as an AF dependent. They will do something to help you, but they have to know that there is a problem. Go to his first shirt, the OW's H has a right to know. If she is AD there is a whole nother set of issues.

You need to read everything that there is on this site and understand your boundaries and what it is you will accept and what you won't accept.

Youd don't say if there are children involved and you didn't say where it is that you live, can you answer those for me?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There are no children just three dogs. I have had him served with papers at work. So people at work know and the papers say adultery and mental cruelty. He is trying to get me to remove them frm the paperword by threatening to keep the dogs and drawing out the process.
I have been told to go to his first shirt but I really don't want to bring his work into it. He has lied to cover his backside and I am not sure anyone would beleive me. He has told everyone that I am crazy and a B****. He made sure everyone knew I smacked him after I found out.
We are stationed in South Dakota.

I can relate to this to a degree. I am a military wife. H was gone for 18 months to Bagdad before he came home and decided that even though he loves me he isn't in love with me and getting married was a mistake even though he doesn't regret it.(I hate circular thinking like that). Anyway, I found out while he was gone that there was most likely an OW but couldn't prove it. He still denies to this day but the one that everyone suspected him of being involved with calls him every single day at least twice and they talk about EVERYTHING. That's off the subject though. It is hard to be in the military world and have EVERYONE know EVERYTHING and then you be able to do nothing about any of it. It's a strange world.

.... and what is the downside of going to his first shirt? what is the downside of bringing his work into it?

You have proof. You have text messages and the email. You're not a crazy b#tch; you're an abused, betrayed wife.

Your H doesn't fear or respect you. He DOES, however, fear and respect authority, the higher ups in his chain of command. Your H wouldn't push around someone else in his unit. He's pushed you around. He wouldn't push around a superior. And he IS abusing you. He's telling you and others that you are a crazy b@tch.

He swore fidelity in your marriage vows. And in the military, isn't there some kind of loyalty oath that the soldiers take? He betrayed his marriage vows. If he betrayed his country by spying, by being more loyal to another country than to our own, wouldn't he be betraying the service he had sworn to be faithful to?

Even if he were only "talking" to a foreign agent from, let's say, North Korea, and putting his energy into developing a relationship with that agent than into maintaining and promoting the welfare of his own employer (the U.S. military,) wouldn't that be treasonous?

Even if he's only "emailing - text messaging" the wife of another serviceman, and putting his energy into developing something with her than into caring for his own wife (YOU), isn't that adultery?

Your H is also siphoning off energy rightly due the OW's husband, who is off somewhere else fighting for our country. That soldier needs all the homefront support he can get from his wife. And what's his wife doing? Putting all her energy into a fantasy relationship with a married man, destroying two marriages with her stupidity.

To adulterate means to add something that doesn't belong into something else, and to take away from is excellence. He has adulterated your marriage, whether or not he has literally inserted Penis A into Vagina B.

There's a bigger picture here than just what goes onto the divorce papers and who gets to keep the dogs. Please look at that as well while you fight for your dignity and self-respect. If you do the right thing, your self worth will only increase.

The right thing here would be, I believe, to expose the whole affair to his "shirt." Not out of malice, but because there are ripple effects from all of this man's actions.

I'm so sorry you are being forced to endure this awful betrayal. It's just not fair.

P.S. Oh, he made sure everyone knew you "smacked him" after you found out? Was that an open hand slap? Or a closed fist punch? Honestly, he's being a baby!

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Ok Hon I live in SD and have much to do at the base where you are stationed and I know for a fact that that commander does not tolerate adultery.

You need to go to the first shirt and let him know NOW so that he can help the deployed member deal with this.

You've already involved work by having him served at work. In this state you have 60 days after you file before anything will be signed.

Please do not use the same lawyer, do not let anyone talk you into this or tell you it will be cheaper. This state typically it cost between $500-2500 for a uncontested divorce. My x filed and it still took him 6 months as his lawyer kept dinking around with it. Ask for the moon you may not get it, I didn't, but I came pretty close. Shoot high and know what you will accept.

If you want to e mail me let me know and I'll put my email out here for you!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />