I finally was able to narrow down why I have been so depressed the past couple of weeks. For whatever reason, I am longing for intimacy....not SF kind of intimacy, but more emotional intimacy with hugs and understanding.

I had a hard time comprehending why I am missing this so much more now....particularly when I hadn't had it from my H in so long. But I realize that part of it is missing the "hope" that we could have it, and at least making an effort toward that. At our separation, I lived with a female coworker and her H's house. And she and I became very close as well. So in essence, now that I am home alone, this is the first real time where I have lost it, have to accept it, and deal with it.

I honestly don't know how to cope with the feelings, though. I long... long for a person who cares enough to hug me during some of these moments....who will listen....whose shoulder I can cry on if I need to.

I know this sounds selfish. And I feel badly for "longing" for this. But I realize that I am suppressing these feelings. At this moment, I don't have very many close friends (partly my fault for secluding myself during my depression). The other part of it is that I don't want to continue in the group that H and I were in - alcoholism, unhappiness, gossip run avidly with these people. But my closest friends are out of state, and I don't want to burden them by calling and crying all the time. They would probably understand, but they would also get very tired.

Has anyone coped with the same feelings, and does the "longing" for that emotional bond - trust - touch ever go away?

Once again, thank you to everyone on this board who has helped. Hopefully as I make it through this, I will be able to "pay it forward" and help some others.....

L.I.T., I know the longings you have. Foe me it was the most core need that was missing in my marriage. My H and I have been S for 6 mos. and I have experienced the most extreme feelings of being disconnected from another adult being. Esp. one that I should have been the most connected with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Those feelings still come around from time to time, mainly because of triggers. But, largely I found that it was just another step in this grieving process. Prob the most painful, though. It was important for me to feel every horrible stab of lonliness. Being able to realize it as part of a normal processing of a very painful life event is a positive step toward healing. I thought I would NEVER get out of that pit of longing...really. NEVER. But, as other wise folks have shared here, time really does help. Promise. Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree. I feel that too. I want so bad for someone to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I suppose that it's just something we have to get through. I'll hang in there if you hang in there!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had a hard time comprehending why I am missing this so much more now....particularly when I hadn't had it from my H in so long. But I realize that part of it is missing the "hope" that we could have it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the most part (when I'm not all confused and insane about whether I did the right thing by filing for DV <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), I am doing okay on my own.

I'm staying busy, planning projects for my house, and improving my relationship with my kids.

HOWEVER.....your issue is the ONE that really still haunts me. Like you, it's not like STBXH and I spent much time hugging or being close emotionally. But as long as we were together, there was that hope that someday it'd all come together and we'd have it. It was a dream.

Now I'm saying, "What if I never have that emotional closeness, the "being held", feeling like someone is there for me to share myself with and vice versa, that I've longed for?

If I think about it long enough it really drags me down. I think staying busy is the best defense.

LL

I know how you all feel. It's a deep longing that makes me cry at times. I never realized how much I needed or wanted the closeness until it wasn't available anymore. It's not natural for a healthy human to be alone. It's in our nature to want to have an emotional and physical closeness with another human being.

Does this make us weak or any less of a man or a woman ? I don't think so. I think it makes us normal compassionate people who want to share.

My X's brother who I never believed to be a real emotional type guy surprised me the other day as we sat and had a beer together and talked.

Other than the biological things we need to survive there are only two things we need to survive in this world. To Love and to be Loved. This was his outlook on life. If nothing else this is what he wants out of life.

I need a hug tooooooooo............

David A

David, you are so right. The need is so basic nothing else will substitute. ((((((David))))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LIT, I agree with lordslady that's it's finally letting go of the dream that we might one day have what we wanted with our WS's. I also think that it may represent the renewal of hope that we may someday find the love we want. I made myself numb during my marriage to avoid the hurt of feeling unloved. Now that my M is over, I can wake up to the need for what I always wanted but never really had with STBXH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does this make us weak or any less of a man or a woman ? I don't think so. I think it makes us normal compassionate people who want to share. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I so very often wonder if it makes me weak. I see so many people out there who are single, and who cope just as well. Yet I wonder if they ever long for the emotional intimacy, or if they have come to terms with the "lack of."


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What if I never have that emotional closeness, the "being held", feeling like someone is there for me to share myself with and vice versa, that I've longed for? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think of this often. I wonder if I am never to find that intimacy again, will I feel fulfilled? I so long to share my experiences and my feelings with another.

I do believe you are right about feeling it more because we have "lost the dream." Sometimes I feel without purpose because I now have no more M to work on....then I remember I have ME to work on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I suppose now I see how it is so easy for people to jump into rebound relationships....the desire to fulfill this need is very strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> I wonder if I am never to find that intimacy again, will I feel fulfilled? I so long to share my experiences and my feelings with another.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel this too - I am still living with H, and wondering if that actually makes it worse. I feel the ache physically at times - now wondering if it was a good idea to spend last year working on getting in touch with my feelings. 'Cuz now I'm having these dang feelings!

Maybe this means we are all human after all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I suppose now I see how it is so easy for people to jump into rebound relationships....the desire to fulfill this need is very strong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy can I relate to that. I wish there was a harmless way to deal with it. For me, the loneliness is only partly physical - I am already missing the companionship. I find myself having something happen and thinking, "Boy I can't wait to tell H about this...." and then remembering, "Hey, you've got to get used to NOT having someone to come home and tell about your day." So, I come home - like today - and do not say anything about my day. I do not tell him about my new project, or that I'm afraid of not being able to concentrate on getting it done on time. And so I come in here and log on to the computer, and type out my heart and soul to people I don't even know. God bless you all for it, too! What else can we do?