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Joined: Jan 2004
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David A Offline OP
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Never think that things can't get any worse. They can ! It started this time by the X announcing she was moving out on the 30th and told the kids not to make any plans for that day as she needed help moving. Her brother was supposed to help her but now only if he is not busy with his new girlfriend. She said not to worry as she had other help lined up anyway. I said it's not the boyfriend is it ? Yes it was. He was going to come into my house and take things out of my home. Over my dead body ! I told her he wasn't welcome here and she better not bring him onto my property.

She honestly believed that she had the right to do anything she wanted around here. I told her to read her divorce decree. That I had soul and exclusive use of the property and she was here as a guest until she could find a place to live by my genorosity.

After the fight and things calmed down a little she dropped the second bomb. She said if you can't put up with him coming here things are going to get a lot tougher for you. Huh ? OK now what ? She said I'm thinking of having "D" move in with me..

In other words this is her way of telling me how things are going to be because she doesn't have the guts to come out and say it.

She said I've already talked to the kids about it and and their OK with it. WTF ?

She has been saying all along she needed out of the marriage to be on her own to discover who she is. That she went directly from her parents house to me and was never on her own. I asked her what about that ? Her reply was I'm not going to marry him.

I told her it was time for her to grow up. Face her problems and her demons and fix her life. That I still loved her and she would never find another man who knew her as well and would love her as much and work as hard the rest of our lives to see that we had a quality relationship.

She said she knew those things about me. But it doesn't make any difference I guess.

Then there is the kids. Being bounced back and forth every other week and having to watch their mother live with another man. The very man who participated in the demise of our mariage. I am already getting calls from their teachers about failing grades, falling asleep in class, etc.

All I can do is be here and keep up trying to be the good parent even if it seems at times it is falling on deaf ears and blind eyes.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

David A

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by David A:
<strong> She has been saying all along she needed out of the marriage to be on her own to discover who she is. That she went directly from her parents house to me and was never on her own. I asked her what about that ? Her reply was I'm not going to marry him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm......... I resemble that remark. Of course that same thing happened to me almost 4 years ago, so I feel for you...... But all you can do is continously be the rock and best father figure that you can amidst the chaos....

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

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David,
Sounds to me like your X may give my WxW a run for the title of Queen of the Nut Cases. If mine had tried to bring OM into my home to carry stuff out there would have been at least 1 dead body, probably more, and it wouldn't have been mine. Our divorce decree stipulates that there are to be no overnight guests of a romantic nature when the children are present. Do you have anything like that on yours? I knew it was coming when the judge read it out in our DV hearing and I was watching WxW. When she heard it she got this look like she had been kicked in the stomach. That wasn't part of her plan. If you do have something along that line in your decree it should stop her OM from moving in if the kids are going to stay with her at all.

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David A Offline OP
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Our divorce decree stipulates that there are to be no overnight guests of a romantic nature when the children are present.

I asked my lawyer about this early on. His response was I couldn't stipulate what the X does in her own apartment. That if I put it in the decree she wouldn't agree to it and then I would have to take my chances with the judge.

I'm not really all that shocked by this turn of events. I had hoped it wouldn't happen but I was in a small way prepared for it. She has no interest in taking the initiative and looking in the mirror and seeing the problems in her life. She is still running and trying all the quick fix things that she figures is going to make her happy. Who knows maybe she'll get lucky and end up OK. But statistics say she is in for the big fall sooner or later.

Who will be around to help her pick up the pieces ? I can't honestly answer that question any more. I grow tired of being the faithful husband even though I am already divorced. She is moving full steam ahead to build whatever it is she thinks her new happy life is going to me and not giving our relationship another thought at the moment.

The only thing I hear or see once in a while is when she has a problem or fight with whoever she is involved with at the moment and she comes to me and lets me know how good a kind and gentle person I was to her. Hell I still am, and will continue to be.

I only hope if I get involved with someone else that can understand the kind of relationship I want with my X. I don't want to live with the thought that we can't at least be friends. After all what kind of person can spend 25 years of your life loving and living with somebody and then hate them for the rest of your life ? I don't want that to be me. I can't be at peace with hate in my heart.

Sooner or later I know I will have to come to a point where I can give forgiveness to the boyfriend as well. But for now I can't let my dislike and disrespect for him go. I don't want to see or talk to him. My son says they get along OK which bothers me even more. I don't want him having anything to do with my kids but that's one more thing I am powerless to stop.

I've worked in the yard all day and am going to a spaghetti supper at the fire department later. Every one else is scattered leaving me alone again. I guess I better get used to it as I will be alone for a week at a time shortly. Something else I am not looking forward to.

Have a great weekend everyone !

David A

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Wow.. Sounds like my situation with a wife needing to discover herself. Same situation here with me where my wife went from home to living with me during college and marriage after our schooling. Now my wife has wasted alot of time when she could have been growing as a person (separated now for seven months). Now we are back talking again about putting the marriage back together but she now feels the need to grow as a person. I'm not sure how she will grow when she spends all her free time out with friends when she doesn't have the kids. (two kids 5 & 3 I have joint custody)

She is a 35 yr old woman going on 16. She thinks it's fun to party til 3am and sneak around hooking up with guys. She tells me she has this rebel streak in her and that she needs to get out of her system. She wants to date me and others while she is figuring out life.

My question is this, When people act in this manner and the light bulb finally does come on and like someone mentioned earlier that there is nobody there to pickup the pieces, what happens generally? Do they come running back (which I'm sure in many cases is too late) do they continue to make mistake after mistake or do most never pull out of this stage? Just courious...

I'm with you David. It is tough when you love someone and everyone sees whats going on except her. I've asked myself many times, "What is going on in that head of hers".

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David A Offline OP
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Hey James,

I'm sure every situation is different. Who will be there to pick up the pieces ? Could be anybody, might be you. This is the struggle we have as betrayed spouses. I am already divorced and my X is moving out in 2 weeks and moving in with her boyfriend. Says she can still discover who she is in the midst of all that. I don't know who she is trying to convince, me or herself... She doesn't fool me one bit. I know better, I've been through enough independent counseling to know that given her current situation and how she is going to live her life she is doomed to one failure of a relationship after another.

THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO !! I REPEAT, NOTHING..

Either they come around or they don't. You either wait and get help for yourself to improve your own life in the process or you move on with many hard lessons learned in hopes your future relationships won't fall into the same pit.

Sounds easy huh ?? NOT ! This is a struggle to say the least. To witness their behavior and know they are finding pleasure in anothers arms is like being tortured on a daily basis.

Do you endure ? Do you remain faithful ? Do you wait months, years to see if they see the light and turn things around ?

These are the questions that almost every one of us on this board suffer with on a daily basis. Not one of us has the magic pill.

I keep asking myself the question, do I wait and remain faithful or put my hard earned lessons to work with another companion who will reap the benefits of my suffering by both of us enjoying a quality relationship and happiness.

How much suffering and abuse are you willing to put up with in the name of love ?

God Bless us all !

David A

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David, why not document the failing grades and the episodes. Maybe you can go back to court for custody and she can have every other weekend.

I just don't understand these women who want to bring strange men into their homes and beds while their children are there. WTF??? (to borrow your expression.) Want to know the reasons why I wouldn't do that?
1. Children should think their parents only had sex the number of times needed to conceive them. Sex and parents just shouldn't mix in a child's mind.
2. Sets a terrible example for young and older children. If you don't want your 16 year old hopping into bed, show some restraint yourself.
3. Men and girls are not a safe bet. I know you guys here are not into teenage girls. But, some men are and girls 12-17 who are molested are molested most often by a step-dad or boyfriend.
4. Takes too much time and energy away from the children. If you want to have sex, have it when the kids are with your X. It's still probably more than most of us were getting when we were married.

Okay, sorry for the vent, David A. I hope things get better adn soon.

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David A and James D,
What you guys are hearing is all fog talk and babble directed by the aliens that have abducted your WWs. The rule of believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see applies. As for who will be there to pick up the pieces when reality sets in, ya'll will have to decide for yourself if its going to be you or not. Either way its a rough ride, there is good help here.

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Hi Guys--

I read, I weep, while our hearts are ravished like meat, & fallen x's are no longer our y's but z zero's in their standings with us. Sad they are being tormented, tested & shifted like wheat in their sad defeat. Although they may have not fully intended to cheat.

I read, I smile, am deeply inspired, to be among, encouraged on at your brave & courageous hearts to be faithful,nobles strong,in your spirits, on how to truly behave, not jaded, in spite of great tradegy of love gone wrong.

Though our hearts are ripped, our Savior holds us near and helps us to reclaim our grip, keeps us from the deeper trip & fall into the chasms of the slip. He already has peered into our each of hearts, knows that we too, sees the dark stains. Though our consciences are clear we haven't been completely innocent. He Loves us enough to rise us above the falls and it all!!!

I am reminded our PRINCE OF PEACE, our RIDER is but no other than FAITHFUL and TRUE. Inspite of it all. HE is greater, who dwells inside us, than he who feeds on us, spouses and kids in the shadows. HE WILL conquer & get us all through.

Dispite, the facts our hearts are stained, feel our own minds re-arranged with tears, fears, weary, blue, while knowing at times our own priorities can become rather skewed!

Let's us all learn from time message passage, too DISENAGE from all this pain. Truth, is we really can take the pounding blows and leave our spouses& other to fully engage in their misery &private shame, sham life.

Let them discover the dark, on their own, alone without us, those lessons to be only learned from fallen grace. Perhaps, these fallen souls, ole acquaintances of ours be never forgot, but will learn, receive and partake one day true divine pardon and greater grace!

Now is the time, our time, our turf, with time left on earth. We make the change, shift out of the winds of hate, painful sad sorrowful directions of the collision of tragic fate and focus our nose thoughts on HIM & HIS resurrection state!

Although things will never be the same, time to check out of the blame lane, damage done. Learning to disconnect from the fierce prowl of game, is the task here at stake. Really does seprates the weak from the strong. HE will break the our agony pain chain. It won't be long, until we'll be released and hear His song.

In the end all that maddness of lust, and foolishness will all turn into nothing but vapor& dust at heaven's gate. We and our children have been given greater gifts of a precious Savior whom, by far we can and must safely trust.

Who will give us eternally and infinately more. And we'll see what "bores" the other side is. Our Savior for sure will even all the scores.

Though now the swords in our chests are deeply lodged from those painful thrusts. We must now reason, and press on from this sensitive season& cross over to gain the deeper lessons of a new season towards trust.

We welcome now the bloody blows and leave our mercy pain at the throws of our Savior feet. To learn that sweet victory below on earth relies upon the deeper truths and our cooperation of Letting GO!!!

Even though some of us our slower to learn, especially when our hearts greatly ache& burn. We will reap a higher return though we are now just temporarily spurned. But look at all the valuable lessons we have learned, and we will stand back watching the tables turned!

Better yet our focus will be diverted on entirely different banquet hall. We will not then care one bit about foes, and their flaming flame throws of what happened on earth!

We earn the right to hold His hand, through his suffering, piercing sacrafice, we can firmly cling, to HIS promises of paradisce. Where our God sings, rejoices over each one of us. He will avert the intense dark arrows, slings. And continue to protect us in His wings and love us as he orginally, from the begining, set out along to do.

Reclaim His promises that the darkness will fade into hades. The faithful appearance of east& west glory wings of dawn. We won't much care any further of spouses escapedes. Mindfull now, all the while the saints of before and today continued to be HONORED BOUND, and kept the higher call of only true character gained from of the merits of marching on!!!!

Thxs guys-- I have learned to be so much stronger now and am GREATLY Blessed& INSPIRED as you can see by through your deeper struggles examples in hangin tough!

These other guys have nothing on any of you!!! Your children will be stronger, braver, kinder because you loved their mothers inspite of it with all, with Christ love, mercy and grace.

One day your children will rise up and honor all of you, that your strong love for your children was all for their sake.

Modelling, the acts of bravery, verus the sad entanglements of this life! To show them how much Jesus loves them, when we are weak, falling apart and watch just how He is strong!

Keep takin those deep, deep breaths, blow these people away in your powerful prayers and really show them how the real battle is won!!!

Bombs away--- we're awake, stronger, have more gear and more firmly prepared in our resolve! Bring on the battle, give us your best shots!

We, will then UP our Counter more, we will say less, pray more, stand even firmer, love more, be kinder more, be fairer, be flexible, keep our accounts shorter. Follow our Savior more and let Him lead us& kids to greener pastures we have never visted before!

We'll learn how to let all this pain, drop & go through the drain. So we can continue to grow by just giving up the stife and getting on with HIS Life- living up to the higher purpose He has called us each too.

We may not have it all together in ourselves! Together we have it all in HIM!!! GLORY DAYS AHEAD!!! Mind over matters!

THUMBS UP---U guys can DO it (life) better!!!
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