Wow-- I arrived the day before and talk about an emotional roller coaster of events! My daughter and new son in law are now officially married!!!
Rather long post before I ramble on. I would love to thankyou everyone again, again and again for all the wonderful generous support, advice and prayers!!! Especially, for all the warnings, and PREPARATION!!!!
My how true the old saying of a stitch in time saves nine and relieved my open wounds ruptured could be re-stitched in time.
The most incredible, amazing things happened which I wish I could have recorded on video tape. The wedding event certainly produced a rainbow of hopes and obstacles. Things that could go wrong did, and things that could go right did in a strange peculiar way.
God Great Grace was ever present and at work. He really got us all through the joyous and difficult moments. The entire wedding celebration was breathtakingly beautiful!!!!
My daughter looked absolutely radiantly stunning and eleganace beyond compare in her satin ivory, strapless victorian mermaid styled gown, with copper, taupe ribbon bows. The back of her dress laced up in victorian cris cross satin ribbon. Her hair just glistened in thick lush brown beautiful ringlets.
Her hand held bouquet consisted of three long stemmed calla lillies, wraped in a large banana leaf, wrapped in matching copper, taupe ribbon. The same ribbon she wore as a choker with a beautiful cameo broch, matching earing my mother had bought over 30 yrs ago in Italy. For some unknown she had never wore.
My son inlaw was especially so handsome, in his deep royal blue suit, blue shirt and golden yellow &blue stripped tie. A celloist played during the entire cermony.
The celebration was held in the most romantic, old English styled manor and outdoor sunken garden setting. Modelled after a shakepearean themes, replica cottages.
It had rained straight prior for two days. The sun had come out, for the occasion, the day was shining brightly. The amount of birds that were present were every where in their festive chirpings. It was like we were all in a beautiful dreamy fairytale.
I am delighted to report that I was calm, cool and collected the entire time. And managed to be the artful dodger. Talk about grace under fire. Since the wedding was held so far away there were 15 of us in total for the gathering.
Talk about a small intimate gathering, I pretty much kept my entire focus on prayer, my daughter, son inlaw and guests. Of course on the floral gardens, fairytale of the venue.We were so in our right proper element.
I on the other hand wore a forrest green crushed velvet long ankle skirt, matching jacket, with an ivory turtle neck sweater & ivory hose. Jewlery wise wore balkan amber beaded necklace and matching tear drop earings. Hair swept up, with long wild curls past my shoulders.
The kids did such a magnificant job in organzing and planning their entire wedding on such short notice.
The setting was amazingly awesome paradisce!!! My x drove out with my son, sooo things were a little awkward.
I managed to completely tune out my x-- had my personal dial on smile, which I managed to keep on most of time.
I was so touched to see my daughter so happily in love. The union vowes they exchanged were so beautiful and inspiring. About mutual love and respect.
My daughter opted not to have her father give her way so not sure of what he thought but how she wanted things to go. Instead she and her husband decided to give each other away. They looked so beautiful descending down the long stone staircase which fed directly into the sunken garden.
From then on they walked together into a wide open brillant green grace space towards a beautiful gazabo, with cresent shaped humming water ponds. The flowers in the back drop were all in white,cream theme.
During the cermony, all of sudden it seemed my entire video of our lives,marriage, childbirth of my daughter, her growing up through the stages, and tons of footage of family life memories were released within in me and unfolded. I couldn't shed a tear but calmly went along a new beginning unfolding in a rosepetal splendor.
But GOD in his mercy was greater, overode the internal video footage and cleansed every hidden tear I had of shattered dreams and mended a broken heart. To feel the waves of incredible joy and sorrow at the same time was a bit overwhelming. Beholding my daughter on her day of joy was so soothing and moving.
Photo sessions part was rather very intense, most interesting but I managed to armor up, and keep my boundries with a smile. Leaving a very wide bandwidth for everyone to socialize. I made sure that my x and I didn't end up any position to be included in their photos together.
Sadly, there were various points that x tried to connect with me in a friendly manner, but I managed to completely deflect, avoid comments or eye contact and stay far out his personal zone.
Thankfully, after all the photo sessions were completed. I headed to my room for a good short nap and handed everything over to God. Considering I had no sleep as of yet, a good nap was just the perfect rest I need to discharge all the emotions.
My, it's at weddings when a family, couple re-connect where one can feel the depth, breath, the scope, reality of a severed ties and destroyed bonds.
Such intense acute painful hurting emotions of being torn& ripped assunder. The dangling marital nerves that were so sensitive to touch seemed almost deadened. Amputation wounds scaring over. Even the deepest trauma wounds were being awakened but cleansed.
During the vows exchange I also realised at that flash moment. How very very deeply how unsatisfied I really was with my x. How unhappy he made me with his harhness, harsh life imposed upon us, amplified. I needed to really feel those wounds.
After my short wonderful nap, I woke up so light hearted, with a peace and calm that was indeed not of my own doing. All my nervous enegries seemed to dissappear.
In fact my son and x came into my room which I was sharing with my mom, just to check it out.
I was enabled of course interact with my son, in such way that wasn't ungracious and let my mother and x chit, chat about what ever. I seemed too be given a detached peace to accept the reality of deep common severe dsyfunction between them.
On some level I just didn't want to spoil the beautiful silence, I was blissing in nor dare want to waste any energy. I was so silent- I couldn't care about the dsyfunctionality. The beauty of the environment, being replanted in my right element where I truly belonged was far more important for my mind, soul.
This is what I was feeling but drought, of where I lived, the people who were suppose to be my family. They produced more drought in my life. No wonder I felt the need to observe grief.
There was a wonderful out door deck ajoining my room, so I managed to stay outdoors and enjoy the ocean air, vista views of a majestic forests that lay in the distance and mountains ahead. Permit my son, x and my mother be do their thing.
Why my x invited himself in was boggling. Maybe he was really lost and confused himself...
The next leg of events of course was the reception, which was held in a beautiful small dining room to enchance the setting of the intimate wedding romance. The entire room sparkeled with my daughter in her glowing gown and my son in law. Their love lit up the room.
The actual dinner was so elegant- the chef was the former chef at the 4 seasons in Vegas. Dreamy, melt in your mouth delicacies that awakened every taste bud.
Tinges of saddness certainly hit my heart in pounding waves as my mother and I were seated at table with my sil aunt and uncle. While my son, x, were seated at the opposite end of the room with sil parents.
To be seperated from my son and daughter was so so sad. I could feel my children saddness, as I looked over at their faces, felt their lostness, their courage, private sorrow, and struggle of pain from the family breakdown.
The air of shame, disgrace also sent vibes throughout the room. Very strongly felt. Having my x return to his senses of what class was all about as opposed to his trash lifestyle did something.
The meal lingered on was absolutely wonderful, and the conversations in the room were light.
At one point when speeches were being annouced by my sil father, my x stood up next did the dad speech and my son. My son felt such tension by the ultra reservenessed by my sil family relatives, since we are more lively high spirited family.
Feeling slightly overwhelmed. I managed to excuse myself from the table to slip out to the out door deck, gain some air, smoke a cigarette and prayed intensely. I felt saddness knowing all wasn't so well in my children hearts. I felt sad by their loss.
But all of a sudden one of my favorite songs by Nat King Cole came on called " Smile" . Ooh the lyrics were so timely... smile when your heart is breaking, smile. Smile I did, follow suit underneath it all.
At that moment my sil father, mother and x all walked out on to the tiny deck with me. Ooooh, was I in a tight spot with no where to go now. I cheerfully looked at everyone, actually right through them and smiled.
I turned around and kept my composure in looking through the dining room window and enjoying my daughter basking in cooeing love and sweetness. It was her day, her precious love filled moments.
I felt such a strong conviction to leave x & in laws well alone in their circle without saying a word. I didn't want to join in or to be apart of a facade, nor give a false impression that everything was alright.
However, I just let things flow as they were and let my x be who he was. Actually, during the entire time thus far he was in his right mind and senses.
All of sudden my son burst out on deck very upset and a great deal distress. The long and short of it was a very intense heated moment, his own wounds of grief had ruptured.
At that point it was a welcome relief to excuse the both of us and take him to my room. My poor son was just in agony and tears throughout the hallway. His volume was pretty high at this point.
Once we got inside our room, all his pain, anger, rage, tears, sorrows came pouring out. I was so worried for him as he went out on the balcony and did all I could to keep him calm, loved, and distracted from falling or rather jumping off the balcony.
His emotional state was quite serious, and plus he had a little to much drink.
The emotional family dynamics wounds had bursted. All the loss, the grief was all so to much, too soon. On some level he had felt very intensly his sister closing her heart to him.
The overall feeling of unrequitted love hit him hard, the reality of his sister moving on so suddenly greatly disturbed him. He was so actutely aware of the great injustness of it all. He felt so alone inside and I shall not repeat all his words of despair.
I felt his deep young male wounds of what it felt like not to belong to a healthy male well run, functioning system. His dad just being a negative weak influence.
At that point my mother walked and broke down crying in seeing the state of my son. I kept my calm, prayed, held him, affirming him over and over of how much I loved him, his grandmother and his sister. God was so merciful.
As my mother was crying and too, falling apart. My x walked into my room, as I was on the deck with my son. Again, I asked God, what on earth is he doing? Why does he not stay away, he's taking so many liberties.
I looked up and saw my x and my mother embracing. He was comforting my mother in her fraility and distress. Immediately, I rembered the comment that it appeared that I had married someone like my mother. Belive it or not in a split second a smile of validation came over me.
I just at that moment understood and found my internal locks not to react, or get upset.
I could clearly see through the fog, thinking inwardly yes it is so true, my mother and x are so much a like and let them be. I simply detached and focused on my son.
The next thing I knew my x was standing on the deck with us, and I quietly let go of my son, and permitted the two of them to interact. They walked into our bedroom, my mother is still crying, my x sat down in a corner chair, while my son stood in the middle of room, crying, and getting it all out.
I quietly sat in a chair in the opposite corner and closed my eyes to pray. All I did was go into to prayer requesting GOD, help us now. I felt so sorry for my son, but he let out so much pain.
Actually, my x was on deck, in his right mind in the right heart, and saying almost the right things to my son.
The atmosphere in the room changed considerbly, a wonderful warm presense filled our space. The dynamics strangely felt we were once again a complete whole family on some level. I sat in my chair very quietly, in silence and kept on praying. All of sudden a deep, deep peace and calm overtook us all. When there was a deep pause from my x end.
I managed to walk over to my son, held him very closely, telling him over, over that I loved him. He settled right down.
My x walked over to comfort my son. All I said at this point since my son had to much to drink, was that there would be no reasoning done tonight to him.
All his focus, energy was needed to calm down& wind down, sleep. Assuring him I would certainly continue to deal with all his correct and valid concerns.
My x agreed and the only thing I said to him was two words with a firm smile. " Good Night".
I just praised God, he got us through that storm, was quite settled and subdued.
My mother couldn't belive the interaction that transpired. I didn't react, or interact but prayed, and tuned out.
The events was like a mini miracle on some level. Not that I understood any of it, other than my son pain. I could sense on some level my x lostness, and had a strange sensation that He and God would get it right between them someday.
I was deeply saddened to let go of my son to my x and longed to have him stay in our hotel. Honored the bonds be what they may between them. They left the following morning.
We were pleasantly surprised to woken up to the newly weds, at our door and exchanged warm hugs& kisses. My daughter, sil were thrilled to know that her father & I managed to keep the peace for their sake. My sil thanked me for coming, he had a sinking feeling that I wouldn't show up.
He mentioned that I should appreciate the effort my x made in being in his right mind. I said I indeed did appreciate his efforts to be the dad, I once knew on occasion, and was pleased he was "on deck for their occasion". My daughter was in blissful happiness.
At one point just a few hours before my flight departure in the early morning, during the night night before the wedding. I had quite the internal battle going on and filled with doubts of not wanting to attend.
Oh the struggle and temptation. Actually, my car was still in the shop, and I couldn't get a hold of the mechanic. I said God please get me through this somehow on a wing and a prayer. At 5:30 am my mother called and I shared with her that my car was no where ready.
Bless her heart, she drove half way across the city to pick me up before her 82 yr old friend was due to arrive in several hours to take us to the airport. I hadn't gone to sleep that night, but just prayed in preparation.
The funniest thought came over me that I couldn't jam out now, my entire family were on the other side. Somehow that thought struck me as odd, yet profound. My entire family were waiting for me on the other side. How could my senses fail me now.
The irony of it all, was when mother and I did reach the airport, the attendant said there was a huge snow storm that hit the area. I thought to myself away out, then thoughts of disappointment
came through he said he was joking.
Amazingly our boarding seats were assigned. It just so happened I was seated on the window side of the wing. I just laughed and sighed to my self. God has such a marvelous sense of humor as He did have me assigned on a wing and saying my prayers all way to our destination. Amazingly the entire trip was a perfect,smooth, smooth, flight, as I looked at the peace, calmness of the clouds, all my anxieties dissappeared.
By this point, our newly weds were quite hungry, and had the dining room to themselves. So not wishing to intrude upon them.
I suggest to my mother we seek out other adventures elsewhere- we went on some pretty marvelous adventures, hitting garage sales, locating a super market where we decided to have an outdoor picnic. Then exploring our way to locate the beach which was so breathtaking.
The next day, we headed to the famous butchart gardens. What a magnificant garden. It was absolutely breathtakingly awesome. I just was filled with thoughts of what heaven will be like some day.
I took everyone on MB here with me on this beautiful specutalar tour of supreme beauty. The roses were blooming, and the entire garden was in splendid regalia. At the end of our tour they had a vistor guest book-- and as I signed my name. It came to me to write down all your names in thanks for everyone support and wrote our MBuilders team.
If anyone wants to see the these beautiful micro eden of gardens check this site out!!!www.butchartgardens.com
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