Day 7 since H moved in with OW, and I seem to be more miserable than ever. Its one thing to anticipate his leaving, another thing to experience it. I can't stand this pain, its the worst thing I have ever felt in my life, I can't even compare it to anything to measure against. For 15 years, I have loved this man, and throughout the uncertainty, throughout the imperfect relationship, I have always known that he was going to be with me, that we would be together. Through the affair, the one thing that kept me going, was the knowledge that he would always come home to me, that even though he was missing, or gone, or even when I actually knew he was with OW, that he would come home to me, that he would be back, that I had some hope.
Having hope. I guess thats what this is all about - I have no more hope. He is never coming home to me again. 15 years of knowing that no matter what happened, he would be home and we would be together. We never had an unhappy marriage. We had a loving and warm and fun and happy relationship, except when he was missing with her. I would go through a few hours of hell, and then I always knew he would be back, and honestly, he would be loving and warm and I would feel secure and safe again. The worse that it ever got was a few hours of dispair, and then he would be back and honestly, I would feel loved again.
I guess this sums it up. 15 years together - that equals 131400 hours together, and realistically, 300 hours of pain, when he was missing and with OW. The other 131100 hours he was with me, loving me, making me feel like everything was safe and secure and happy in my world. How can I possibly rationalize that my 300 hours of pain were worth the rest of the wonderful way he made me feel?
Before he left to be with OW, I told him that the hurt I felt when he was missing to be with OW, was nothing compared to what I would feel if he took himself completely out of my life. And that is exactly what I am going through right now. For 15 years, I loved an imperfect man, and for a total of 24 months, I put up with a man who couldn't stay away from OW, who left me at home crying so he could be with her. And the only thing that kept me going was knowing that he would be home eventually, that things would be right again in our world. 1 1/2 years of their first A, 3 months of this one, and throughout the pain, I always knew things would be OK again if I could just get through a few hours of pain.
My problem is that when H wasn't with her, he really did make me feel loved and happy. We never had a miserable marriage, never didn't get along. He makes me happy, plain and simple. And the happiness was always worth so much more than the unhappiness. I have been married twice before to nice guys, and had many more long term romantic relationships. No one has ever made me as happy as my husband. I knew it was going to be a rough ride, that he would be a handful, but the happiness he made me feel was always worth it.
So now, I have no hope that he will ever be back and things will be OK and that he will make me happy again, as he always has, over the last 15 years. MY H is at this minute, sleeping next to OW, the love of his life, and this is where he feels he belongs. His feels that this is where he is suppose to be, this is right for him. But my world is totally wrong now, totally turned inside out and the pain is unbearable. Not only is he never coming home again, but I have to face the fact that I will never be as happy as he made me feel. I know he loved me imperfectly, but the happiness I felt was worth the imperfection. I can't stand this pain.
Sorry for such a sad, miserable post. "Everhopeful" is my name on this forum, and through 5 years of the first A, 3 years of hope, and 3 months of new A with OW that has now ended with him leaving me to start his new life with her, I am hopeful no more. How do I fall out of love with this man I have loved so long, that has made me happier than I have ever been in my 50 years of life? How do I get over this pain? I don't know what to do.
