I have been having difficulty lately with an anger problem that comes out with one of my children in particular and my husband. I realized that this was a problem in the past, but it seems to be getting worse and is causing problems in our already compromised marriage. 2 years ago my husband had an affair and left after 10 years of a pretty horrible marriage( verbal abuse and a lack of frequent sex as a result) We decided to try again and have been together for the last two years although he still tells me that it's on a trial basis to see how much I change over time. I've returned to school and have another year of nursing school. We have 3 small children aged 5,7 and8(all girls). Life is quite stressful for me with school, the girls and dealing with a husband who reminds me almost every day that he doesn't love me and that the girls are the real reason that he came back. I am a Christian and he is not and this is also a problem. Well he just walked in and I don't feel comfortable writing any more right now. Thanks.

I would say there is a good chance your anger results from you H reminding you every day, that he really does not want you, or to remain in the marriage. That would make anyone angry and hurt. Getting some counseling for yourself or some type of support might help. It also sounds like you are under a lot of stress with school and small children. This really sounds familiar to me, although my H never actually said the words his actions said it all. He was not coming home until late, not calling etc.. I never knew where he was or what he was doing. I was incredibly angry, and underneath the anger was a lot of pain. Try to stay strong and reach out for support.

take care
goforward

The first thing you need to realize is that it sounds like your anger is justified considereing all that you are going through. But since your anger is coming out in ways that you don't like you need to find some better ways to deal with it. I have had a hard time dealing with my own severe anger in the past and have destroyed many dishes on the kitchen floor to even worse things like slamming my head through a door. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
What has worked for me is 1) set out a small amount of time for yourself to be "selfish" and meditate. If you have to lock yourself in the bathroom with the shower running and read for thirty minutes fine if it keeps you sane.
2)Don't be a perfectionist. You will blow up. Humans have emotions. Beating yourself down for anger just encourages guilt that will further fuel your anger later.
3). Let yourself cry. Nobody can get arrested for crying, they can however get arrested for beating the crap out of their spouse or other physically violent acts. Crying has been portrayed as weak and feminine, but uncontrolled anger is a weakness as well.
4). Take things in steps. If your problem is throwing stuff and yelling, start by limiting the most destructive and channeling more energy into less detructive. Then come up with something to replace the yelling, such as excercise, meditation or yoga. But remember not to beat yourself up for screwing up once in awhile. Sounds like your H does enough of that already.
5.) Get plenty of sleep. If your lifestyle is preventing you from sleeping properly, find out what you can do to remedy the problem. It make take some time, but inadequate sleep can really cause poor moods.
6.) Don't buy into the trial basis marriage thing. Frankly in a sense all marriages run on a trial basis. Each partner can leave when things get bad enough. Your husband is using this as a control tactic. Find out what it is he wants to leave for. If it is the anger problem you are talking about then sit down and write down some of the steps you need to take to begin to work out your issues. If you are willing to take steps to fix the problem he should also add his support.
7.) Most importantly keep your self esteem up. You may get down on yourself for your temper, but give yourself a break, and don't constantly let your H walk all over you because you are afraid he will leave. It is not too much for you to expect to be loved even though you may not be "perfect"
8). If all else fails check out medications. Birth control pills for example can cause some pretty bad mood swings and you may have to stop taking them if this is the case. And Prozac can really calm a violent personality if you truly have a chemical disorder instead of just justified rage. (Which was my case) There may be other medications to treat what might be underlying depression causing the anger. Just take things slowly and give yourself some time to work on things through meditation etc. before you try antidepressants. Things may just resolve themselves after some time and your life eases up stress wise.

Good Luck. You can control your anger. It is possible.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. My anger isn't really the reason that my husband wants to leave. It's because I am not who he wants me to be. He basically wants my whole personality to change. Please read our posts on June 17, 19 and 24 I think. He calls himself bp22(under divorced/divorcing). My anger mostly comes out towards my children with alot of yelling and some spanking before I've calmed down enough.(no one has really gotten hurt). I have one daughter in particular(she's Daddy's little girl) who is especially trying. She loves to bug me and her sisters to no end. She's the middle child and that may be the problem. Sometimes after she gets spanked she will run to Daddy and act like I punished her for no reason! How frustrating! Of course Daddy believes her and then his anger problem comes out too.(towards me of course). You will understand the situation better after reading our other posts. Thanks so much.

If you said you are a Christian, why stay married to a non-believer. GOd said do not yoked with unbeliever. You feel anger most of the time, the fact is the devil is using your husband for you to get angry. You cannot change your husband, only God can do that. I think your husband is honest when he said that the marriage is a trial basis. Buy why stay, he was the one who committed adultery on the first place. I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their anger so stubbornly is because they sense, once the anger is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. Pray earnestly that God will deliver you.