My wife asked me to leave our home about six weeks ago. I asked my friends girlfriend what to do, she said my wife will ask me to come home but I should then play hard to get. I didn't care for this approach but took the advice anyway. She assured me that it would strengthen us from future problems. My wife indeed called me on a thursday and I followed the idiotic plan with grief. "I longed to go home" I told her we should see other people and seek a divorce. I am sure I crushed her and would give my life to take it back but I believe I have fataly wounded our marriage. I went to her the following wednesday and tried to hold her and spend time with her hoping she would again ask me to come home. as we kissed she started to cry and then told me she did not want to continue. I was crushed and upset. I went to my sisters house where I was staying and proceeded to cut my wedding ring up with tin snips. The weekend came and I picked up the children and went to my parents house in the country. My wife hadn't packed there tooth brushes so on the way to the movies I stopped by the apartment and my son "12" opened the door with his key. My wife met us in the hallway wanting to know why I was there. I told her. then proceeded to the master bath " our five year old daughters tooth brush was kept there because my wife would teach her how to brush" as I opened the door a male skycap she works with was sitting in the bed trying to pull his pants up with great haste. I felt my soul leave me and said "oh my god" and shut the door. I tried to get out of there as I was in utter shock and disbelief. I did manage to get the tooth brushes. "I hate tooth brushes" Later that day we spoke and I called her every name you could think of and some you might not. She told me she was lonley after I rejected her and this man made her feel loved. I later apologized and told her I would forgive this and asked to be forgiven as well. she rejected me and said she could not. it has been a few weeks and I have read "the praying husband" my sister left on my nightstand. I realize I was a terrible husband and not much of a friend to her. because all of the don'ts I did and all of the does I never did. Even on our wedding day I was mean to her. "a real prince huh" She had always been the chaser and I the chasee. Now she wants to be just friends and has agreed to go to christian marriage counseling so I can get on with my life. The marriage counselor says there is hope. I asked my wife if there was a chance and if the door was open at all. she said maybe enough to fit a tiny paperclip through it, but she also said not to bet on it. I have vowed to her I would never hurt her again but she said if I wanted to have small talk that was fine but any relationship talk would end in a click. So I proceed carefully and try to keep an open dialog hoping that there will be a break through. I am attending a church in loveland colorado where we once attended briefly just before she went to work at the airlines in Denver. The kids love the church and they have a great program for them. I just look at the empty seat and feel terrible I caused this pain for my family. today we are going to parent teacher conferances and then I am going to buy the kids winter coats gloves and hats. I am very scared to say something that might further drive her away. Please help if you can. There is much more I could say and I haven't because this has been a long post as it is. She is a beautiful person and I will love her either way.

Thank you.

Welcome to MB, sorry to see you here under these circumstances. You will get much help and support here. But you need to post in the correct place.

You need to post on the infidelity forum section in General questions II. You are posting on the divorcing part.

You need help with infidelity. You need to get into a plan. Read Surviving an Affair by Steve Harley, then His Needs/Her Needs by the same gentleman. Go to general questions II and post there. You should be in Plan A right now. You can click around this site and read as much as you can to get yourself educated with the MB principles.

At the top of the page click on forum home, it will give you a list of forums. You want to scroll down to Infidelity and then subcategory General Questions II. Start there for now for your best help.


Good Luck!

HINY

Bruce, this site and Dr. Harley's books offer lots of hope.It's terrific that you can see and admit your part in the disintegration of your marriage. That makes recovery more likely.

For really specific help, tell us what you didn't do and did do that was deterrmental. Ask your wife to fill in the qestionnaries (ENQ and LBQ).

And since you say about where you live, if your screen name is your real name, change it. You can change it by going to My Profile and selecting "Change screen name." You login name will be hte same, but the name that appears will be differnt.

Hey Bruce!

Welcome to MB--and sorry you have to be here at all. I have to tell ya, I'm a bit excited to hear that there's another Coloradoan here on the forum. Yep, at times living out here in the wild wild west can seem kinda isolated!

That I know of, there are a few of us (like three or four) and there is just one other who is a pretty regular poster. So YAY!! We are the Colorado Branch of MB!

Now...regarding your situation, I would say that this affair (A) has probably been brewing for a little while. People often start with what we call here EA for Emotional Affair, and that's when you meet someone at work and start talking to them, and they "understand" you and they "love you for who you are"--but it just hasn't gone physical yet. After they are emotionally attached for a little while, then the A can go PA which stands for Physical Affair...and you know what that means.

Anyway, I'd start by reading the Basic Concepts and just keep reading everything you can about Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LBs) and Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and The States of Marriage and Giver/Taker. Those concepts are the beginning and should help you find ideas and vocabulary to start looking at yourself and what you have to do to save this marriage.

Keep writing, and I'm glad you're from CO!!


CJ

Thank you all for your replies.

I spent the day with my wife and children. We went to the store and bought each of them a coat and clothing. Pants and a shirt for our son and tights and frilly stuff for our daughter.

I left a letter on her pillow as we were walking out of the apartment so she would find it when she came home and I would be gone.

I basically told her thank you for being my best friend for all but about two years of my adult life. I said I would like to stay friends no matter what and if she needed anything to call me. I told her money, children, someone to talk to or maybe a back rub witch she loves.

We went to dinner at a mexican food place in the town she lives in, and everything was great just at about the end she told the children that daddy and I are just friends now. " She said she didn't want them to be confused by her doing things with me and then with her boyfriend".

Our twelve year old son doesn't like him at all. Our five year old daughter simply loves everybody.

Before we went to eat she said I'll have to go back to wal mart and get laundry detergent. So after I dropped her off I went to wal mart and bought two buckets of soap and took them to her mothers apartment and dropped them off. "she was visiting with her mother about the day I suppose". My heart hurt as I left but yet I knew I had helped her a little.

That was wednesday. Thursday was terrible.

My semi truck broke down. My son was playing with marbles and accidently shattered his wall sized window in his room. My wife was cleaning the house so I went over to see how I could help.

We were talking and I told my wife at least I still enjoyed star trek and maybe I would go buy a season or two at the book store. "This is after a conversation about how everything I enjoyed from watching football to playing pool or even having a beer I couldn't do." My Daughter told me "Joe has star trek at his house and you can watch it with us when we go there tonight if you want daddy." Such a beautiful child. Yet I was crushed, I tried to continue to finish what I was doing, but it was written all over me. She asked the children to go play and she apologized. I told her it was ok and to go and have fun. "what else could I say." I left shortly after that.

Later she called me and asked if I would like to spend the day with them since my truck would be in the shop. I will go but am at a loss what to do. I want her to be happy yet I hate saying anything nice about this guy. I do tell her I think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet and I want her to be happy. I pray there is hope.

Thank you again for your replies. I am going to read some material on this site for some insight.

Well, I think it's a good sign that she's offering to spend time with you. I take it you are in Plan A? This is where you meet any all all needs that she'll let you, Don't do anything to make her uncomfortable except with regards to teh affair, and expect nothing of her in return. Plan A sometimes is enough to end the affair. Often, it is not. However, it is essential to do an excellent Plan A.

Plan B is when you write a loving letter saying "Honey, I love you and I want to stay married to you, but your relationship with X is causing me to lose my love for you. In order to protect that love, I will no longer have any contact with you until you end that relationship." And then, you stipulate a go between to be used to communicate with the children.

Plan B will only work if a good Plan A was executed. Plan A leaves the WS with a good feeling about you.

Bruce, I take it the affair is out in the open? If not, expose it. Tell your friends, your spiritual leader, your family. Exposure is hard for the BS, but it puts a lot of pressure on the affair. Many affairs crumble from that alone.