Okay,
It has been a while since I have been here. UPdate: saw a lawyer who is going to take my case. WH is living with OW. WH has seen son 4 times since July 31,2004. Now I know that our marriage is over and I am in a way happy because I don't have to worry about him anymore. Let OW worry! I have realized what I did wrong in our marriage. I am ready to move on as a single divorced mother.

This past weekend I went with a girlfriend of mine to see Ladder 49. Awesome movie by the way! During the movie there was a scene with a new family and I just started crying like crazy. The movie showed all the things I missed b/c WH wasn't there for me. I mean he was there but not there. My friend asked if I was okay. The guy sitting down on the row looked at me like I was crazy.

Is this normal part of healing or am I just crazy? I want to be happy and let our marriage go and be healed but I don't know how to heal myself.

Please send me any suggestions that you may have or tried.

Thanks
J

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: r & j ]</small>

I have been seperated since jan 19th. divorced since 7un. I was told "I am done with you" he lied and cheated. has for years. Took my teenage daugthers from me by twisting there lives away from me for the past 2 years.

I cry every week in church over the kids and the families. I don;t want him I hate him. I am actively dating and happy as hell. I am treated with respect daily again. but dam I miss being married, I MISS MY KIDS!!!! I miss the life he tore away from me.

I have an older daughter who sees the truth, her husband who supports me and also sees the truth, a lawyer who was there for me thru it all and a counsolor who says there is no way I am bipolar or all the other stuff X says about me.

But still man do I cry. all the time.

oh and counsolor says normal and we will have ups and downs thru it all. It is a greiving process we have to go thru.

Well since no one has replied I guess I should give some background.

Married: 1993 (high school sweethearts)
1st child: July 2003
Aug 2003: WH moved out
Sept 2003: WH moved home to work things out
Feb. 2004: WH moved out while I was at work
May 2004: WH moved home again to work things out
July 30: WH forgot to come home from work
July 31: I asked WH to leave b/c we were not heading toward reconcillation
Sept 04: I filed dv papers
Oct 04: waiting for court

So I wonder if the crying at the movie is a sign of healing because I so desperately want to move forward with my life. I know that his leaving was a good thing for me.

Does anybody have suggestions on moving forward? Learning to live again? Learning to stay in a home that you created with your WH.

On another note:
WH says he wants son every other weekend 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday. He is 15 months old I don't think he should get him 2 night weekends in a month. That will totally mess up his sleep schedule. I put in the dv papers no overnight visits until age 3. But I will compromise to one night weekend a month. That shouldn't mess up son's sleeping habits that much. I don't mind WH getting son during the day on the other weekends.

Does anyone have suggestions for visitations?
J

You will cry at various triggers, and consider the crying as a clensing.

About visitation, if he was an active father (and even if he wasn't) he's asking for a very small amount of time, only 4 nights a month. Courts are moving toward 50/50 custody.
You can fight the 4 nights, but truthfully, you might do much worse, even given your son's young age.

Good luck.

r & J,
Movies with "normal" families or a family that dodges the bullet of breaking up get to me too. My shrink, like Stone Cold's counselor, says this is a normal part of the greiving process. He also says that only the death of a spouse is more traumatic for the one left behind than divorce. I disagree with that one. I think this would have been easier on me if she had died instead of taking my kids away and leaving to persue her R with OM.

newly,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Courts are moving toward 50/50 custody.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where is that? It sure ain't that way in this a$$backward part of the world.

r&j, this is most definately a sign of healing. My therapist(Dr.)said this is totally normal in the grieving process (and remember-it is a process). I have been doing this since my wife left for the second time in April of 03. I choked on the same scene this week at the movies. I choke up when I see couples holding hands or showing public affection. I miss that so much.
I also agree with DJ. I have been a funeral director for 30 years and thought I knew all about the grieving process. I can understand the death of my spouse and put closure to that eventually. I cannot understand the pain of infidelity and the lingering effects it has on a soul. I do believe time will help but there are always the triggers. You are perfectly normal and the triggers will ease as time goes by.
God Bless (Psalm 34:18)

r&j -- I'm the non-biological mom (we were a same-sex couple) and had to fight hard for my joint custody arrangement. Our daughter has been doing two or three nights a week with me since she was six months old. She's absolutely thriving and has a sleep schedule most parents envy. (She's now 21 months old.)

It's not that hard to do, really. You do have to agree on a bedtime, but I've found that really the baby will take the lead and teach you both when it is.

One thing I will say, though, is that it's really important for your husband to have regular and consistent time with the baby. The strength of the parental bond is formed based on the quantity and quality of time that the parent spends with the child. At your baby's age, a lot of that is already formed, but it's not done yet. So your husband, in order to form the (very important) father-child bond, needs to be allowed to have regular time with your son, and time that includes lots of the caretaking activities. Overnights included.

I've found that it's really hard to get into a regular bedtime routine when there's a long time period between overnights. Every second seekend would be a long time for someone as young as your son. I honestly feel that it might be better to do two nights each week, rather than every other week. If you did Thursday and Friday nights, for example, or Sunday and Monday, and gave you H the full day in between with your son, then he would have the time to really form a strong caretaking bond with your son -- and that's really, really healthy for your son.

It's also not going to hurt you to have free time to do other things and be your own self. I missed my daughter like the dickens for the first few weeks of our separation (when my ex wouldn't let me see DD for more than an hour or two at a time). As time went on and we established a regular custody schedule (she's now with me about 40% of the time), though, I really came to value all of my time -- both when she's with me and when she's not. Raising a child is darned difficult work, and a break to be your own person is a really good idea.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

I do understand the father should have contact with the child but this father has not provided for his child since birth (even when he lived at home). This father bought $2000 worth of truck rims. This father run up $3000 (plus rims) on credit card debt. This father has only bought his son an Easter basket with plastic eggs filled with coins (coins for babies?). I hope I'm not being rude but this father does not need his child every other weekend. This father lives with an alcoholic. Also lives with his girlfriend at the friend's house. Also at this residence are numerous people in and out, some of which I know that are not good people. This father would rather spend time coaching peewee football than walk across the street to see his son. This father has asked to see his son 4 times in two months. And we he gets to my moms to visit he only stays one hour then he is ready to go. This father couldn't handle the one year old child when he was playing (making loud sounds). WH would start hollering at child to SHUT-UP.

Now again I must say that I do think son and WH should spend time together. I do think that son and WH should have a bond. I don't think that son will be taken care of by the father when son is with father.

Now on to the sleeping arrangements. Son goes to be 8:30pm gets up next morning 8:30am - 9am with only his bedtime bottle. Very good if you ask me! In Sept. 04, son had to have emergency surgery. I didn't know how to contact father so he was not there. Anyway this has changed son's sleeping pattern. Now son's routine is bed 8:30pm (good) with a bottle; up at 2:00am for another bottle; up for morning at 7:30am. I am sorry I just don't see WH getting up in the middle of the night. I also don't see son just going to bed when he returns home like there wasn't any changes.

Another thing with the weekend visist. Son goes to church on Sundays. Since WH didn't go to church when he was living at home I don't think he will take son to church. Will I be punished by God by allowing son to stay with father who will not be attending church?

J

To Everyone else:
Thanks, that is just what I needed to know. I guess this will happen as I realize the things I have lost b/c of WH's selfishness. But hey, it is a sign of HEALING! And that is where we all want to be one day, right?

My X too was a non-existent father before. He now spends time with the kids (doing what I don't know).
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since WH didn't go to church when he was living at home I don't think he will take son to church. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My X now goes to church with the kids (and grandma & pa). Never went before except C&E. Not my church, but I know it is good for the kids.

People change, and many spouses do better apart than together.

However, I note you have concerns about his current living arrangements which need to be resolved.

To Just J - I'm glad to see that you got custody. Our family nurse went from a SAHM to no visitation rights to see the daughter she raised for 8 years. Her experience helped me alot through the D and custody fight.
A parent is a parent - and it's up to them to make it happen. Not all can.