While reading the recovery board tonight, I was inspired to look at some of my very first posts...even the ones right at d-day. It was bittersweet as I remembered the fervor with which I fought to repair our M, only for the M to fail in the end....but also very peacefilling knowing that I honestly have done everything in my power to try to make this M work.
This week has been very helpful for me - H called the past Sat night, and afterward, I bawled (no...check that....wailed) on the phone to my mother. I told her I was sorry because I knew that she would hurt knowing that I was in pain, but I just needed her to listen for the moment. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Bless her heart, she did. And for the entirety of this past week it settled in on me - I really don't miss what I had. I don't miss the namecalling, the disrespect, the walking on eggshells, the control, the disallowance of my feelings, or the constant self questioning that went on during my M. I only miss the dream of what could have been, and H was the one who made the decision to not let that dream live.
I don't blame him - the A was more than he could handle. But I also realize that it wasn't always about the A - we had a dysfunctional M from the beginning, and he really didn't want that to change either. He was happy in that M....it was me who wasn't.
I'm not bitter towards him. I don't hate him. I don't harbor any ill feelings (except that he killed my plant during the separation, and I can't find another one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) toward him. But I realize that he is really not a person I like. I loved the person I thought he was - the person in the first 2 years of being together. I loved the person I thought he could and wanted to be. But he does not want to be that person. And I really don't care for who he is now.
Don't know if that makes sense, but I really
felt it this week - didn't just know it, but
felt it.
I know this is not over yet (I still talk about him....sometimes accidentally say 'we' or 'our'), but this is the first week I found myself smiling sometimes for no apparent reason. And boy, was it really nice.
I thanked many of my MB friends on recovery tonight, and I want to thank all of you here as well. Truth be told, I was very apprehensive to post on this board knowing that I was the WS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and that most on here were BS's who were having to live out the pain from their WS's mistakes. Yet I found that everyone has been so supportive, and even in spite of my status, caring. I really appreciate that, and want to give a heartfelt thank you to each and every one of you who has helped.
I promise to pay it forward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
