I was just reading one of the newsletter topics titled "what is separation" and it spurred me to post a message for the first time.

I just recently filed for divorce, my husband hasn't even been served yet. We have been separated for over 2 years and he moved out of state about 9 months ago and really wants nothing more to do with me. I fully agree that separation is a state of marriage but unfortunately my husband did not. Just a few months after we separated he found someone else who he claimed to be in madly love with. Prior to meeting her he was soliciting dates all over the place. I was told by many people that "guys can't be alone and will attempt to replace you immediately". I guess they were right. But it really hurt that he moved on so quickly after 19 years of marriage.

Many of my Christian friends have encouraged me not to divorce, they said marriage is forever and that even if my husband filed I should remain single or reconcile with my with him. The problem is that my husband has messed up his life really bad and I have no desire to ever be with him again. The last few years of my marriage we lived separate lives (his choice) and were more like disgruntled roommates than husband and wife. After several really bad years of marriage and 2 years of separation I was ready to move on. I still have a little guilt about being the one to file. My husband wasn't going to do it, unless he wanted to marry again someday. That day could be far off or never and I really want to be available to meet a good Christian man someday. Am I wrong? Have any of you experiences this guilt for being the one who filed?

I don't think you should feel guilty.
I think what is "Christian" depends on who you talk to. I am a Christian, and I spoke with a clergyman about my ex-husband. I struggled with the idea of getting a divorce. Some people said I couldn't get a divorce because he hadn't beaten me! But the minister I spoke with said that my husband had "put me aside", and that was reason enough for me to divorce him.
So I did.
But you don't need us to tell you are right. You've got to follow your own heart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jeanine:
<strong> I was just reading one of the newsletter topics titled "what is separation" and it spurred me to post a message for the first time.

I just recently filed for divorce, my husband hasn't even been served yet. We have been separated for over 2 years and he moved out of state about 9 months ago and really wants nothing more to do with me. I fully agree that separation is a state of marriage but unfortunately my husband did not. Just a few months after we separated he found someone else who he claimed to be in madly love with. Prior to meeting her he was soliciting dates all over the place. I was told by many people that "guys can't be alone and will attempt to replace you immediately". I guess they were right. But it really hurt that he moved on so quickly after 19 years of marriage.

Many of my Christian friends have encouraged me not to divorce, they said marriage is forever and that even if my husband filed I should remain single or reconcile with my with him. The problem is that my husband has messed up his life really bad and I have no desire to ever be with him again. The last few years of my marriage we lived separate lives (his choice) and were more like disgruntled roommates than husband and wife. After several really bad years of marriage and 2 years of separation I was ready to move on. I still have a little guilt about being the one to file. My husband wasn't going to do it, unless he wanted to marry again someday. That day could be far off or never and I really want to be available to meet a good Christian man someday. Am I wrong? Have any of you experiences this guilt for being the one who filed? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jeanine… I recently found ChristianForums.com which has a ton of activity and there is much discussed about divorce, divorce and remarriage, abuse, infidelity/adultery, etc. Many of the post have numerous scriptures to support their positions. I’m a firm believer (as a Christian) that nothing we do, most especially major decisions, should be without scriptural/biblical founding. With the Christian divorce rate rivaling or surpassing that of the worlds, we must make a stand for being different. We have the roadmap of life (God’s Word) to lead us in every area of life and His word talks an awful lot about this world not being our home, taking up our cross, suffering persecution, not living like the heathens do, etc. This life will not be without pain and will often go against everything the world espouses. In a conversation last night with a friend I made on CF, we discussed how many Christians are so earthly focused and not eternal focused. Both he and I are without our wives because they left us. He is divorced (10 months) and I am separated (10 months). We are both standing on God’s Word as the permissibility of divorce and reconciliation to our wives. We have found no grounds for biblical divorce (nor do we want to) and we believe that God will restore our marriages. This wasn’t how I lived out my marriage when I was basing everything on my feeling/emotions, but I have overcome this thinking and live above my feelings/emotions. I have found that WE MUST DO THE RIGHT THING (GOD’S WAY) NO MATTER HOW WE FEEL. Feelings come and go, this is something Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. and many other renowned Christian counselors have made this clear. Doing the right thing will often go against our deepest feelings/emotions and the worlds counsel, but will always we the will of God if His Word supports it.

I have intentionally avoided commenting on your guilt because you have to deal with right and wrong with God and God alone (though others may be affected by you decision). I’m very concerned when people tell us we need to do what we FEEL is right and that nothing else matters. I implore you to search the Scriptures and the heart of God for your answer, but I also caution you to let the Spirit lead you because we often don’t understand how the Lord can ask us to do things that are do contrary to our feelings/emotions; WE CANT — BUT HIS SPIRIT CAN ENABLE US TO DO WHATEVER HE ASKS US TO DO. You will have to decide whether divorce is acceptable and whether you are “permitted” to remarry. I have seen too many people (in my fifteen plus years of lay counseling) who left one problem just to find themselves in another problem. Adding sin upon sin only make matters worse. I have come to the place of acceptance that if my wife chooses not to be reconciled to me, I will live the rest of my life as a single and celibate man serving my Heavenly Father. I refuse to follow the world’s standards as my guide for life; for I will one day be face to face with Jesus for eternity and I don’t want anything else I do here on earth to change the way I live out my Lord’s purpose for me here or in eternity.

Jeanine, I am so sorry that you are facing such challenges in your life at this time, but I do have an idea of the pain and confusion. I wish I could take it away for all of us who are suffering, but I would just get into God’s way. He allows us to suffer much to get our attention, to change the course of our lives, to receive glory, to teach and instruct, to help us grow in wisdom-knowledge-& understanding, to make us more compassionate, and for a myriad of other reasons. Research all of the characters in the Bible whose lives were hell because they chose to stand firm God’s perfect plan and purpose…Job, Paul and Silas, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and Jesus Himself. I am not saying that I am as wonderful as any of these men, but I strive each day to come a little closer to their examples.

I hope something I have said is helpful to you. You are welcome to email if you wish with comment or question. God bless you Jeanine…Michael

Andrewv welcome to Marriage Builders. Your in the right place. I feel your pain and I understand what your wife is going though. I myself am an Alocholic. If you want your marriage to work you will need to be honest with your W. As for her hanging out with M in AA that is not good for her recovery. Old times will tell your a woman should have a female sponsor and a male a male sponsor. You may want to check out an Al-Anon. Hope all gose will and your in my prays.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Many of my Christian friends have encouraged me not to divorce, they said marriage is forever and that even if my husband filed I should remain single or reconcile with my with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a tough subject and one I struggle with myself (as evidenced by several of my threads on here).

I don't have an answer. There are very conservative viewpoints that say divorce is never permitted. Then there are views at the opposite end of the spectrum that seem to permit divorce/remarriage for any reason using the "God understands" theory.

I filed on my STBXH because he would have never filed on me. He is perfectly content to live with the OW and keep me connected to him legally, "just in case". He has been with her for a year now, is drinking heavily, and is showing no signs of breaking anything off.

I believed up to this point that although God hates divorce, he allows it for situations of infidelity and maybe for desertion by an unbelieving spouse. Then when this all took place, I started doing a LOT of reading and started to confuse myself.

I think it's easy for some Christians to say "never remarry", because they have never been in this situation. Tell them they will have their spouse walk away from them in mid-life, the companionship they've known is immediately cut off "cold turkey", and see if they do more research on the subject.

I know, there are others out there who fully subscribe to these beliefs and are content to stay single because they believe it is what they are to do.

My pastors have repeatedly told me that they believe my divorce is justified because of my STBXH's blatent infidelity and his walking out on his family for OW. I tried for months to hold on, hoping he'd leave her and be reconciled to me. But he hasn't. At this point, although he will always have a special place in my heart, I'm not sure I could rebuild a marriage if he came back just because of the year of intimacy he's had with OW and all the details he gave me about her early on in their relationship (like what she looks like nude, how their sex life is, etc.)

I am married on paper, but do I really have a M at this point? I have no benefits of M--no companionship, no other half, no one to love me or hold me or be there for me, no one to snuggle with at night or make love to. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to deal with had I always been single--sort of like if you never have a lot of $, you don't miss it if it's gone.

But I HAD a relationship with him for 23 years--from the time I was 15, and then one day it just ceased to exist. If I lost my H due to death, I would be free to find someone else. But because my H chose to leave me for another woman, I'm trapped? I didn't choose to leave him (yes, I did choose to be the one who filed DV).

Whether it's wrong or not to feel lonely and to desire to share my life with a partner does not stop me from feeling this desire. Some days its easier, and some days it's very strong. I have been really struggling with the holidays approaching.

I don't believe we are to be in sexual relationships outside of marriage. This means I need to be in a marriage in order to experience the intimacy I desire. We are told in the Bible that it is better for single people to marry than to burn with lust. So the single can marry. The widowed can remarry. Where does that leave those of us who are alone but didn't choose to be?

I know the verse in Matthew about divorcing 'except for fornication' and the verse in Corinthians about not being bound if your unbelieving spouse leaves you have been interpreted many different ways.

But I have to believe that God makes some exception for people who truly long to be in a married relationship but who by circumstances beyond their own choosing, ended up single.

Where does that leave the spouses who suffer abuse, or alcoholism, etc? Should they divorce? This sounds harsh, but I do feel DV isn't justified in these situations. I was in a situation like this. My STBXH is an alcoholic. And while it was VERY, VERY difficult to live with him at times, and I had thoughts of leaving, I chose to stay and am glad I did. I would have continued to stay and to hope and pray for him to change, as long as we were together.

I gave you no answers. All I can tell you is that I struggle as you do.

LL