WEll, my ex married the OW, 6 months after our divorce, exactly one year after he walked out on his family. He never he told me, and never told his girls; what a coward! I am deeply hurt and saddened by his actions. My daughters are absolutely devastated that their father still does not spend any time with them (about 3 hrs per mth.) yet he now has a new wife and stepson! - The rejection, the pain and absolute sadness is more than I can take. This man tells my daughters he is just sooo HAPPY now!! (makes me sick to my stomach)

Obviously, my marriage did not survive and I never thought his affair would turn into a marriage, but now it has. I have to find a way to deal with this - this really HURTS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How do you deal with a man who continues to reject his children, act like everything is perfect, and he did no wrong? I wish he'd just permanently go away - I'm tired of dealing with his crap.

Any statistics on how long this marriage will last? thanks everyone !!

Does he live very far from you? I find it hard to believe a parent would live in the same town and not see his or her children for more than 3 hours a month. How sad for him and for your children, too.
I remember feeling hurt when my ex said he was so happy without me. It really hurts, even if you don't want him anymore.
But maybe it's time to build bridges instead of burning them, for your daughters' sake. How can you get them to see their father more?
At some point, we have to get past our relationship with a spouse who has hurt us, and do what it takes to help our children be happy.
Are you and your ex-husband able to speak without getting angry? Maybe you should just write him an email telling him the girls would like to come visit him, if you are afraid you and he will fight.

Well, VictoriaLynn, look on the bright side, at least you X didn't have a huge, gala, look-at-me wedding and force your children to be bridesmaids!

I know you're hoping the marriage will be a dismal failure. It may be or it may not be. However, in a short while it should mean nothing at all to you.

Consider how incredibly self-absorbed the man seems to be. Telling his children how very happy he is when obviously their happiness should come first.

I know how hurt your children are. And as I a mother, I know it stinks to have your children unhappy about anything. It will be okay, so long as you are strong, gentle and supportive. Trust me. I had an absentee dad who married his secretary. I made it to adulthood without doing drugs, getting pregnant or attempting suicide. My mother considers me a success.

As for dealing with your ex, I think you start by accepting the reality: the man's a royal jerk, and you can't make him behave any differently.

My Ex continues to burn the bridges... He refuses to Co-Parent, refuses to speak w/me in a cordial manner, continues to "trash" me in front of the girls etc.. Despite our indifferences, I have encouraged him to rebuild his relationship w/the girls but he REFUSES because his daughters have told their dad under no circumstances will they accept this OW into their lives. (note: she tried to assault me and has threatened me... she's alittle on the dangerous side ...) They have agreed to see him in a public place without the "OW" but that is it. My EX views this as revenge and has told the girls either accept her or he won't be a big part of their lives. And true to his word, he's not. Now, he's seeking revenge on them. It's a game of war and sadly, the girls are in the middle. I need to find a way to stop this whole thing before they suffer anymnore. Any suggestions?

PS: we live only 10 minutes from him.

Greegables - thank you for your response! May I ask you a few questions?

1. What is your relationship like w/your father today?

2. Is your father and his wife/"Secretary" still married and if so, what is your relationship like with her? Cordial? Hateful? Non-Existent?

3. Any words of advice you can give to my daughters to help them thru this mess? (they are 15 and 18)

4. Most importantly, do you think they should continue to see this "selfish jerk" even though he is their biological father, considering all the damage he has done, and continues to do?

Greengables, I ask this #4 question because I personally feel the girls need some "space" from this man. Each time they see him, they come back rejected, depressed, heartbroken, and angry; guess who's left to pick up the pieces, ME !! - Quite Honestly, I am tired of this crap. I have been a very loving, supportive mom, encouraged the relationship but really, this has gone on too long. When do "I" say enough is enough. What about Me? How can I begin to heal when the girls cannot? Is it wrong of me as a concerned mom to let my girls know that option should be considered? I'm not saying on a permanent basis, but maybe some time apart from this man would help us all. They have not recovered from any of the damages, and believe me, they were VERY, VERY SEVERE. (not your typical divorce scenerio).

Your opinion would be appreciated ! thanks...

"3. Any words of advice you can give to my daughters to help them thru this mess? (they are 15 and 18)"

I can't give you any words of advice based on 'personal' experience but I believe that by the time girls reach your daughters' ages they should not be forced to go visit a father that they obviously have little to no respect for. Don't badmouth him. Let them form their own judgement about their father. With time, things should cool down and then perhaps your girls will be able to re-establish SOME sort of relationship with him.

When my husband told me he was in love with another woman, I told my children (who are in their late teens) and they only thing I asked of them is that they would never refer to her as Mom -- because she isn't and never will be their mother.

Rosiepiesix,

My father and mother divorced, partially because of his infidelity and partially because they couldn't work through other issues. I can tell you that I feel, as a child of that situation, what you said to your children was unacceptable. I feel you put a burden on them that wasn't theirs, by saying what you said to them.
Victorialynn, your children will love you no matter what happens to their father. You know that.
Maybe his marriage will work out, maybe it will not.
Maybe he and the girls need to go to see a counselor together. Or maybe they just need time.
But this woman is no longer his "OW" -- she is now his wife. And the children will need to adjust to that -- they don't have to like her, but working to destroy that marriage is no better behavior on your chldren's part, than the affair partner's involvement in hurting your marriage.

Liliane : I appreciate your response, but could you please be more specific on your comments? > - What did I personally say to my daughters that was so UNACCEPTABLE ?? I'm alittle confused here.

Gross.I completely disagree with Liliane.Were you not an OW before Liliane? Sorry if you were not but one day I reread some of your old posts and the thought came up.I will have to go back to check again.

VL,my father was also a womanizer and I am an only child.My parents D'd many years ago due to multiple problems but a major one was my father's attention to other women.Today,we have a very sporadic and superficial relationship, nothing close to a real loving and happy father/daughter relationship....and we never will.It's just a side effect of what my father is and what he has done to me and my mom all those years.I needed to protect myself and I still do.

It's terribly tragic that your WxH married the OW victorialynn,but by NO MEANS,should the children be made to compromise their integrity or hearts desire just because the homewrecking OW is now a "wife" PLEASE.The way in which the OW became the wife will never be forgotten or excused as anything legimate.It infuriates me that former OW seem to always have this excuse that they should be given full rights to the family and children and anything the Ex has just because they are now married and reached their goals.

I do not think it is destroying the marriage if VL suggests that HER children do not call the OW/new "wife" MOM.It is true,she will never, ever be MOM.At best she will be a STEP.

As long as there are people out there willing to destroy families(OP's),become involved with married persons,committing adultery to solve marital problems(WS's),and set their goals on their own selfish needs instead of what is right for their children(both),families will continue to be destroyed,children will be dragged along behind their parents and their needs will become secondary to the selfish adultering spouse or EX as we have heard VL's ex does now.

It seems to me that VL's daughters have made a conscious,protective decision not to allow their father's new OW?wife into their lives because it hurts them.And they are right.They do not need to be with that woman but they do need to be with their dad.Unfortunately he is a spiteful man who is willing to let his daughters go for the sake of the new wife and step son.Liliane,does the new marriage excuse all this poor and selfish behavior??? NO.It's only exacerbated it IMO.

VL,since I am going through the same thing as you in a way,not marriage though...yet,I would suggest that you distance yourself from this man until he GROWS up.I know what it is like being forced or being around someone who is hurtful and exhibits bad behvior.It depletes your energy and makes you feel poorly about who you are and invades your life in a negative way.The day my father left the house for good when I was a teen was one of the happiest days of my life.I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could then again,begin to live.

Until I was older and could confront my father for his behavior in a very adult way, knowing I had the POWER to get away now since I was an adult and much much stronger and more understanding,I felt powerless and unwanted.When you are young,things aren't so clear.Your daughters,I speculate,will grow up one day and confront your EX too about how he is abandoning them and all the pain he caused for that OW.

O

vL, My father was diagnosed with sociopathy a couple about the time my parents split up. You might take that into account when I give my opinion.

I don't think you should force the girls to spend time with him. I think it's great they've established boundaries. Sometimes, when we establish boundaries there are negative side consequences, but the over all good out weighs them. It's an important lesson.

My father's still married; it's been 16 years. My mother is thankful that he's someone else's problem now. Until recently, I saw my father almost every day. I worked for him for years. However, it's taken me a lot of therapy to come to terms with HIM. The affair(s) and remarriage were relatively easy now that I look back.

My advice to your girls would be
1. Make the best of reality. We can't control very much in our lives, but we can control our attitudes.
2. Recognize that you can love someone even when you totally disagree withh their actions. And it's okay to say "No, you've hurt me too much before."
3. If their father isn't a complete A.H., they should consider letting his wife into their lives. However, this is their decision.
4. Develop a sense of humor. See the absurdity, the irony, the cliches and laugh.

Number 4 is by far the most important advice I can give.

On a side note, my father's wife is much more suited to him than my mother. And we children were never so happy as to sit down to a family dinner without worrying that my father would come home in a mood.

Best wishes.
Anne

Victorialynn -- I didn't mean you had said anything bad. I was responding to something another poster said.

Octobergirl -- Sorry. Not the OW here. Child of divorce, yes. And divorced myself. But not OW. So no, I'm not "the enemy". I just believe it is wrong to put children on guilt trips, or impair their relationship with either parent. Our relationships, failed or successful, are with our SPOUSE. Let the children be children.

Victorialynn,

I also was in a situation similar to yours. I have 4 wonderful kids....my ex had numerous affairs over a ten year period. He is also an alcoholic, totally self-absorbed, and interested in only what makes him happy.

My kids didn't know of the problems we had with his other women. I never told them. When he finally retired from the AF after a very successful military career (which we fully supported and loved him inspite of....) he took off with a 28 year old sexpot flight attendant. He has abandoned his children emotionally, financially and physically---now moving to Florida so that he and his new bride can be "happy".

He calls infrequently, he send $400 a month for child support--(it is supposed to be $1500 a month. He hasn't paid tuition, medical bills...etc., etc.

My kids don't want to have anything to do with him or her at this point. Life has been a big struggle for all of us to survive financially. I have two girls in college--both of whom are having to work two jobs in order to survive at school. I am barely able to survive financially month to month on a teacher's salary.

Do I still feel like I have any obligation to pursuade the kids to have anything to do with them--not on your life. If they want to have a relationship--that is up to them and him. His wife just wrote me a scathing email saying "Great job convincing the kids not to call their father on his birthday".....You know what? I didn't influence them one way or the other this year. It was their choice to call or not call him. Actually, I don't think they even remembered it. I sure didn't. That's the consequences of doing this to your own family.

I was fortunate to have a loving, wonderful father. I couldn't imagine him treating us like my ex has treated me and the kids. He doesn't deserve a relationship with them. He can't be trusted. He attacks them whenever they don't agree with them. The reality is what it is. I am not going to sugarcoat his actions or his behavior to any of my 4 kids any longer. Do I think it is sad...yep I do....but he has no one to blame but himself.

As far as my relationship with the kids, we are closer than ever. Are we still hurting...yep, and we probably always will. The kids are doing fine....we can't change how his actions have affected us...but we are moving on also---which is what he has told us to do for the last 3 years. He is 'Happy'---right. HE is spirally down emotionally, alcoholically, spiritually--and HE has lost his family. I guess accountability has finally caught up to him.

I don't even feel sorry for him anymore.

Sorry for the ramble. Pat

Thank you ALL for your honest, sincere replies. Despite his actions, I have always told my daughters that their father does love them, they are to remember the "good times, the loving father" and to hope and pray he will work through his problems and become the loving father he once was.

As I stated in the 1st post, he never left in the "proper" way. He told his daughters it was "their fault" he had this affair; THEY DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH, and therefore, he left and found someone who did. Rejection, hurt, total shock, - if you could have only see the look on their sad faces!

With that said, you'll have to forgive me for my next statement. I do not believe this man deserves to be near his children or even have a chance at a relationship, not until he GROWS UP. I don't mean on a "permanent basis" but until he comes to understand that you cannot keep playing with their emotions and expecting love in return. It doesn't work that way. And... how can my daughters relate to his new wife when she assaulted me, threatened me, spoke of terrible things about my girls, all of which they both heard and witnessed, not to mention they cannot even relate to their dad; he's not loving or supportive - he's spiteful, selfish, rejects them, breaks promises to them and like his wife, assaulted me too (which the girls witnessed)!....

Keep in mind this is only MY OPINION.... I let my daughters make their own choices. But honestly, I have to admit, I am somewhat protective because of the violence both ex and new wife have shown in the past.. wouldn't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Victorialynn,
I am sorry. I had no idea he had actually said something so hateful to your children.
"It is their 'fault' that he had an affair, because they didn't love him enough?" He actually said that? How incredibly sick and cruel.
I'm very sorry. You are all better off without him then.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Liliane ]</small>

Liliane that is why everyone's situation is so different. I wish I had the "right" to make the decision to keep them away from their dad, but I don't. Even with the cruelty involved, I've been told to step aside and let the girls make their own choices so they do not resent me. Alright, I've done that so far, however, this man is really pushing my buttons right now. I will be perfectly honest here and say that if my daughters "decide" to see him again and he treats them like crap and rejects them again, then I'm pulling the plug this time, TEMPORARILY for their benefit, not mine. And some members on this board may disagree with me on this, but its for their protection and emotional well being only. Liliane, no apology needed, you did not know the whole "cruel" story and believe me, there is alot more this man did to his daughters - its ugly.

VL,

I don't know how old your children are but you don't need to explain your rationale.As BS's here,we understand the importance of our childrens' relationship with their other parent probably more than the WS or EX does at least to some degree.While the WS or ExWS is off starting their new life the children in many cases here are left behind,secondary to the new "wife" or "husband" or OP.

Unfortunately,many WS's make the decision not to be a part of their kids lives hardly at all and some do as much as they can but in all the time I have been at this site,I don't recall any BS intentionally keeping their children away from the WS or EX unless their safety and security was at risk.

As parents we all try to make sound judgments about our childrens wellbeing but the fact is that when a spouse is involved with another person in an inappropriate manner(physically,emotionally,spiritually,morally,etc) we have to be their advocates,especially if they are very young.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to protect your children VL.Don't let anyone try to make you feel badly for that.One day when the kids are grown up,they will really appreciate how you protected them from the bad behavior of the EX and the OW/"wife".Like sexually abused children(whom I have worked with in the past) all they want is the pain to stop and to be left alone to live and be themselves-kids.They need at least one parent to be looking out for them and ensuring their comfort and safety.If that means that they need to go without repeated contact with an abusive,mean spirited and selfish parent,etc then so be it.Just because the dad is their biological father doesn't give him ANY right to treat them poorly as you have mentioned.There are plenty of examples out there were it WAS in the best interest of the child to be away from a hurtful or abusive parent.

When the child is an adult and has an opportunity to confront the parent and/or decide for him/herself what kind of relationship they want with the parent,it will be on THEIR terms.Empowerment.They decide.

O

VicotriaLynn,
Can you get the girls some counseling?

Even my own father has never come out and said "you didn't love me enough." That's beyond "fog." It shows a lack of understanding about the relationship between parents and children, and romantic relationships as well.

Obviuosly, your 18 year old is old enough to make her own choices. If possible you might want to get outside support for 15 year old as she works through her relationship with her father. Let a counselor or psychologist be the one discussing OW, Father and herself.

Lilianne -

"I feel you put a burden on them that wasn't theirs, by saying what you said to them."

What I said to my children was completely appropriate. They are young adults. They know what is going on with their father and me. The OW is not and never will be a mother to them. They chuckled when I said it to them.

I know my children. You don't. Perhaps you weren't as mature when your parents divorced. My kids are doing OK. I believe in being open and honest with my kids. In fact, it is tops in my list of ENs! Thankfully, my children believe in honesty and openness too.

People change. People have troubles in their OWN lives that affect a marriage. Even a spouse can't control everything that goes on with someone he or she loves. In the end, my husband is a separate person from me and makes his own choices in life, even when these choices afffect me and my children.