It's been over a year since STBXH's E/A began, and in a couple weeks it will have been a year since the E/A turned into a P/A. And it was December of last year when he started spending weekends at OW's place and I drifted further and further out of his picture.

I think summer was easier because it was warmer and brighter and I could do things outside, which always improves my mood over being cooped up indoors. Also, the potential permanence of the situation hadn't really sunk in yet.

But lately I'm struggling with feelings of not really loneliness in general, but more a desire to be with someone in an intimate relationship. By that, I don't necessarily mean sex (though admittedly I miss that too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), but more just to have someone to look forward to coming home to in the evenings...someone to do things with...someone to snuggle with at night and all that might entail...someone who loves me.

I cope day to day by keeping very busy (so busy, I admit, that even my Bible reading has really suffered). There is no shortage of things to do when one works full time and parents a teenager with serious ADHD. And when I only think of my situation as "temporary", I do okay.

What got me thinking is that a widowed man I go to church with appeared with a woman last Sunday. He is a relatively young man (mid-40's) and good-looking, and I admit I fantasized more than once that maybe he'd entertain thoughts of asking me out, since he was only recently widowed himself.

But he works fast...been about 8 months since he lost his wife unexpectedly. I assume they had a very good M, and he misses being with someone.

I think that hit harder than I thought. It's not that I'm devastated that he's not available (okay, a little disappointed). It's more that he was the only person I've ever known in my adult life who meets my criteria (single, widowed, or DV because of infidelity on their spouse's part) who is in my circle of acquaintances.

I have this fear that I'll never meet anyone. I go to work (nobody there single). I attend a church of about 50 people (widower is taken, there is one other DV man who attends occasionally, but I don't find anything about him attractive). Other than that, I hang out at home, or at Target, or I play Bunco once a month with my neighbor women.

What if God wants me to stay single? I do struggle with whether it's right or not to remarry after DV. It's hard for me to comprehend that he would suggest single people marry rather than to burn with lust, permit remarriage of widows, but that married people who find themselves alone again due to their spouse leaving them for OP would be forced to remain forever alone.

Obviously it is a difficult subject, as there are many views.

In my heart, I don't really feel a leading to stay single. I never have. But because I have virtually no way to meet anyone (NOT actively looking...DV not final until November), I wonder if that's what God wants for me. Maybe I had my chance in this life at being married and I didn't treasure each good moment enough. But when I try now to think back on the good times (and although with an alcoholic, my M was difficult, there WERE good times), vivid images of my STBXH and the OW pop to mind every time. I can't think of him and things we did without thinking about THEM TOGETHER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

So I've had to basically let go of the past. I can look at a few photos, but when I look at photos of us or of him for too long, or remember back to things we did together, I get all nostalgic and weepy.

I want so much to think that I will find a Christian man who will fill the empty space someday--someone who I can look forward to making new memories with. But I'm so afraid I'm not supposed to do that. Or that I'll never find anyone. Or that no one will want me.

I have a good job, but other than that, I don't have a lot to offer. In a world of curvy people, I'm physically blah and shapeless. And the happenings of this last year have added about 5 years to my face. Add to that my being disorganized and lacking domestic skills, and top it off with a rebellious ADHD teenager and an 18-yr-old son who says if I find a man, he's going to interview them to make sure they're good for me....and we have a prescription for disaster! With all the available women out there and the already bad odds for women over 35 because most men tend to marry younger women the second time around, it doesn't look good.

Please no one take this the wrong way, because I am not particularly hung up on others' physical appearance, but I try and tell myself..."A homely 39-yr-old woman, 5-foot tall and 300 pounds, probably longs for a mate just as much as I do. But her chances of finding someone else in today's world are very slim in my opinion. Yet she longs for that companionship just as much as I do. Just because I may not look like her, what makes ME deserve to have a partner any more in God's eyes than she does??"

I don't deserve anything more than anyone else has. I don't deserve to be healthy when others are dying. I don't deserve to have a partner when others are lonely. I don't even deserve to be able to keep my nice house when others are deserted by their spouse and end up without a home.

So I feel totally guilty asking God to help me find happiness with someone. I don't deserve it. I don't expect it. But I want it. (Imagine a small child struggling...stomping their feet. That's how I feel because God may be telling me I will stay single, and I don't like to hear it.)

Do any of you struggle with any of these feelings?

LL

“””Do any of you struggle with any of these feelings?”””

First off ((((((((((((((((((LordsLady)))))))))))))))……. I struggled with those feelings, thoughts, and questions for years. I got the advice to be single, find happiness within myself, get healthy, work on me BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH……… I made a half hearted attempt to “get to know me” and it quite frankly led me to places I didn’t want to go and made me do things I didn’t want to do. So I ran and hid. I hid behind my children. I hid behind a pulpit. I hid behind my work. So it took me a long time and the intervention of the good Lord to get me to a place in life when I was able to find true happiness within myself.

Now you think you have a hard time meeting men……… Oh girl I put myself in a position where it’s almost impossible to meet women. I live in a town of 250 people and my church has 25 in the seats on a Good Sunday. I did have an idea of what I wanted the “someone” in my life to look like on the inside and though I’m still a pretty shallow guy, I felt that the outward appearance was not nearly as important. Also in my mind I said they must be within 10 years older or younger than I.

Well I finally became resound to the fact that my options were becoming clearer as the days passed: 1. I was going to have to lower my standards and settle for less than I wanted or 2. I was going to have to accept the fact that maybe it was His will that I walk this earth alone. In a moment of sanity, I chose #2 and shifted all focus from that part of my life to the service of others. What I lacked in an emotional intimate partner, I made up for with fulfilling Godly relationships. And I do believe that I had fully accepted my roll in God’s plan, as I saw it.

So on a day when I wasn’t looking someone snuck in to my life like a thief in the night and stole something very near and dear to me, my heart. I now realize that if I had found what I was looking for when I was looking that I would have been settling for less that He wanted for me because in my richest fantasies I would of never dared to dream of such a wonderful woman. I must say that this relationship is in it’s infancy but now I’m so grateful for the struggles that lead me to this place at this time. Maybe someday soon my feet shall touch the ground again.

So Ms. Lady, there is hope for love if you have faith and allow Him to do it on His terms and on His time table.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

lordslady,

I'm sorry your struggling with this--

Not sure what to say in order to comfort your heart, other than to suggest you read Psalm 139,
and Isaiah 54--both of which brought me great comfort when I needed it most--

Spend time with God and find comfort in His arms right now--find your value in Him, and not in other things--

Hi Lordslady. You said, an 18-yr-old son who says if I find a man, he's going to interview them to make sure they're good for me.... is one of the many things you worry about.

Me, I would be pleased as punch. You have a son who cares about you enough to be willing to volunteer to be the "bad guy" and tell you the things that you might not see in someone you've become involved with.

I would prefer, honestly, that it be your parents or siblings who are willing to take on this role, but your kids will have opinions on who you date, and I suspect that it's healthier that you be able to talk to them about it than that they just act out and make the person's life miserable.

You're only a month or so from the finalization of your divorce. Patience, girl, patience! You're not going to change the world in a month. The advice about getting in a good place with yourself is definitely good. Man oh man, I've felt that loneliness. There've been many nights when I curled up with a pillow or a cat and told it all the things I wanted to tell a warm, loving human.

And you know, the cat and the pillow listen pretty well -- and God seems to listen through them pretty well, too.

You also said that you don't live in an environment where you're going to meet the right sorts of men. How about spending some time thinking about that rather than about being lonely? What can you change? Is there a local sports club that includes men and women? Biking or hiking or frisbee or something? Or how about a game club of some kind, if you're interested in things like Scrabble?

The loneliness that you feel is totally understandable -- and it may be that it's your environment overall that's making you feel lonely, rather than the lack of a special "someone."

Oh, and that you're so busy also suggests the same thing -- too much time doing, not enough time resting and rejuvinating and revelling in the small things (like breathing) that make life so worthwhile.

LH,

Congrats on your new relationship and may it be very much worth your wait!

JJ,

While I AM worried about my son if he decides to interview any potential dates, I am also very proud of him for caring enough to want to do it. Through this whole ordeal he's taken on a much more adult role than he should have had to, in being emotional support for me. (Now if he would just become more adult and FIND A JOB at college!)

Animals have also been my gift from God in lonely times. I have two large dogs who generally sleep with me, and with one on each side of me, it's almost like I'm sleeping with someone I love. And I like the little analogy of a dog being GOD spelled backward. They are a true example of unconditional love. But I still long for the real deal with a man....

As for sports clubs, this would be where I'm really weak. I am not athletic. At a slender 5'9" I look like I'd be a great basketball player or something. But here's the deal: I look good as long as I stand still. Once I start to move, I trip over my own feet. I'm a clutz. I don't really enjoy sports for that reason, and I have no endurance anymore (and my right knee is shot). My STBXH hated sports--wanted nothing on TV that resembled them unless it was occasional golf, so I have not kept up, I know little about most teams, etc. Yes, these are things I could learn, but it's a very long uphill battle.

As for staying busy and that making me lonely, while it does keep my by myself which is probably not good, it also keeps my mind off things that I tend to dwell on when I have down time. And as for enjoying the little things, I love nature and flowers and lakes and all, but those were the drives that STBXH would take me on in the car or on his Harley. So when I go by myself, I think of us. Stupid triggers.

So I clean up after my tornado of a daugter, I work on my budget, I read on here, I'm constantly on the go looking for Christmas crafty things or gifts, I clean my house, I stay later at work, I grocery shop, I talk to my sister nightly on the phone. I seem to just find little things that keep me physically moving until it's time to drop in bed at midnight, and then I start the whole thing over the next day.

But I had "down time" on Sunday...2 hour drive home after dropping my son back of at college. That's the danger time because it's when I think...and thinking is bad for me.

LL

Lordslady,
I think your feelings are perfectly natural. I would like to make just a few observations:

You need adult companionship. I don’t mean this as a sad substitute for a life partner. I just mean that having adult companionship should make the longing for a partner less painful. It comes through loud and clear that your non-working hours are either with your kids or alone. You’re on the right track in keeping busy. But please try to get some of that busy-ness to include other adults (not necessarily prospective romantic partners). Parents Without Partners? A reading group? A class? Habitat for Humanity? There’s got to be something out there for you to do where you can get to know a few other adults, and find some you are comfortable inviting out for a regular coffee or lunch or movie.

Bringing a new man into a family with an ADHD teenager and an 18-year-old boy is dicey business. I am not saying not to date! But when the time comes, and you do meet someone, please PROCEED SLOWLY!!!! Picture to yourself what you consider to be an appropriate courtship period and double or triple it. To be painfully blunt, I advise that you don’t remarry as long as your kids are in the house. It’s just too hard to introduce a new person into the picture. Date him, go steady, get engaged, whatever. But don’t get married and make a life together until the kids are out. (Which leads me to hope that you are raising your kids to become independent adults who don’t get adult privileges until they take on the adult responsibilities of living on their own. Good incentive to help them work on their life skills!) I wouldn’t necessarily say this to someone with younger kids. But from everything I’ve seen, bringing a new man into your current family dynamic is never a happy story.

Lordslady,

I've had a lot of conversations with a friend who is going through a nasty divorce, and the difference between us is the loss of hope. That is the only difference.

With the loss of hope from your M -- I was up that night when you were posting and decided to file -- comes the desire to look forward. Take time right now to be where you are, accepting the loss of hope that followed years of not having a marriage.

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To be painfully blunt, I advise that you don’t remarry as long as your kids are in the house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And again, I say... "I will be single forever." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm not sure my ADHD daughter will ever move out and because she's in an alternative school and struggles, I'm guessing she'll also struggle holding a job or getting any kind of a decent job at first. I doubt I have the heart to boot her out if she actually is trying, so she could be around for a LONG time. (A scary thought in itself, because I have problems coping with the destruction she causes right now.)

The 18-yr-old is in college 2 hours away. Does coming home for Christmas and summer breaks and every now and then on weekends still constitute "living at home" for purposes of the above statement, or can I consider that he's now moved out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It comes through loud and clear that your non-working hours are either with your kids or alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so correct! Sometimes it's nice, because I'm so burned out from work that I don't want to talk to anyone. But it's a habit formed long ago. Anyone who has been M to an alcoholic knows that the social life takes a nosedive. During his drinking years, I didn't invite anyone over because I didn't know if he'd be home or what shape he'd be in. I didn't want him to embarass me or the kids. (The kids also had few friends over.) I also accepted virtually no invitations to do things as a couple for the same reason, so the invites eventually stopped coming. And my life became kids, work, church on Sunday, and home.

It is a VERY scary thing to think about getting out there and making friends. I really don't know how, outside of my work friends (who are all married). I'm very chatty, but only if I know someone already. I'm not tremendously outgoing and I have a big fear of rejection. Many times during my M, the STBXH and I would be visiting with people and then we'd leave and he'd scold me for talking too much or acting ditzy or something. So I really fight the feeling that if people are being social or invite me to something, it's because they feel it's the right thing to do, not necessarily because they WANT to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (Which leads me to hope that you are raising your kids to become independent adults who don’t get adult privileges until they take on the adult responsibilities of living on their own. Good incentive to help them work on their life skills!) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Dismal failure here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I spent so much time trying to keep my family together and keep my husband calm and appeased that the kids didn't get the attention they needed, I don't think.

One child has turned out fairly well overall, though he's lazy and is dragging his feet on getting a job in college.

The other, my ADHD daughter, is always about a stone's throw away from being pulled from our home and put in a group home because of her total lack of respect for any type of authority. I am trying my darnest to keep her at home because I believe it's best for her. She's showing some school success now that she's in the alternative school, and my relationship with her has improved 100% since STBXH left the house. But there is still a LONG way to go.

For example, she loves to cook, so she "experiments" a lot. The kitchen can be clean when I leave for work in the morning, and by the time I return at night, you'd think we had a party, or that no one had cleaned it for a week. My entire breakfast bar will be filled with sticky, greasy dishes. There will be clothes all over the floor. All her personal things will have been carted again into my bathroom because she likes it better than her own. Because I take my daughter to school and don't get in to work until after 9am, I usually don't get home from work until 7pm. Before I can think of doing anything for myself, I start in on reclaiming the house. Then I cook something to eat. Then I log on MB for a little while. I do some laundry, or diddle around with my crafts, and all of a sudden it's bedtime, and the whole thing starts over again.

I'd love to get her to clean. I've begged, threatened, and tried incentives to no avail. And because she gets home from school at noon and I don't get home for several more hours, she's free to create her path of destruction, then split with her boyfriend because I can't stop her.

I try and look at the bright side--she is meeting her weekday curfews very well now, and doing better on weekends. She's also opening up a LOT more to me emotionally, telling me what's going on in her life, asking my opinions on things, etc.

But she has all the benefits of being an adult without any of the responsibilities and I don't know how to change that, nor does her therapist.

I believe that because STBXH never showed respect for me (or his kids or anyone else and doesn't show much for OW the way it appears), the kids never learned how to respect. If mom couldn't get dad to respect her, why should they?

I am very easy to walk on because I can only leave the house dirty for so long, or let the laundry pile up so high, and then I just give in and do it myself.

See why no one will want me???

LL

Just so you guys don't think I have no imagination, I HAVE made a list of goals I'd like to accomplish--some easy; some more difficult and long-term. Problem is, most of them still involve no social life...

* Create hand-made Christmas gifts for relatives this year instead of the traditional Bath & Body lotions they always receive.

* Replace my entire first floor with laminate, tile and new carpet.

* Repaint/redecorate master bedroom and bath to make it different than when STBXH was living there.

* Find a decent used piano and get rid of icky thing I now have--start practicing again.

* Tone up and build my physical endurance. (No health club here...there isn't $ in the budget for that.)

* Take a photography class. (Okay, a little socialization here..but probably with total geeks like myself.)

* Finish 1/2 my basement (a project started years ago and then dropped when things started falling apart in my M. Not sure I can do this one by myself even if I do ever save the $)

* Turn son's bdrm into more of a den/guest bedroom. He rarely sleeps in it when he's home. He prefers the sofa by the tv in the family room.

Am I going off the deep end? Maybe I need to do a little tanning or something. I think the dark and the dampness of fall is starting to get to me.

LL

lordslady,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> an 18-yr-old son who says if I find a man, he's going to interview them to make sure they're good for me.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An observation I made about my situation is that the last time I was dating, I had to get the parents approval. Now it looks like I will have to get the childrens approval. Any man worth having is going to understand that. Its not like you didn't have a life before now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Add to that my being disorganized and lacking domestic skills, and top it off with a rebellious ADHD teenager </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everybody has baggage. I have 2 sons 10 and about to turn 9. The oldest one is athletic, in the talented and gifted program, never met a stranger. The youngest has cerebral palsy, walks with a walker, he is the smarter of the 2 but couldn't care less about grades. Time to do math and he wants to talk about Star Wars, you're gonna do some Star Wars before multiplication. Its just baggage. The right person won't see it that way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> See why no one will want me??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> who meets my criteria (single, widowed, or DV because of infidelity on their spouse's part) who is in my circle of acquaintances. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It can't be that bad. I'm 47, my xW walked out on our marriage after 22 years together to persue her A with OM2. I couldn't care less about sports on television. Get through November, then let me know where that circle is, I just might come stand in it. If you want of course.

DJ,

Thanks for the pep-talk. Maybe the first thing on my to-do list ought to be work on my self confidence.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


LL

You're welcome. Thats one of the worst side affects of being a BS, your self confidence gets run over by a train.

Even if you are not a BS, just a RS (Rejected Spouse) -

I can relate to the longing - something I was feeling before D-Day and H was pushing me away then but I didn't know why. Of course the feeling is even more intense now. I have NO idea what people do who have to live alone after years of sharing their lives and having close intimacy with another person. But I guess several of us are going to find out, huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are so correct! Sometimes it's nice, because I'm so burned out from work that I don't want to talk to anyone. But it's a habit formed long ago. Anyone who has been M to an alcoholic knows that the social life takes a nosedive. During his drinking years, I didn't invite anyone over because I didn't know if he'd be home or what shape he'd be in. I didn't want him to embarass me or the kids. (The kids also had few friends over.) I also accepted virtually no invitations to do things as a couple for the same reason, so the invites eventually stopped coming. And my life became kids, work, church on Sunday, and home.

It is a VERY scary thing to think about getting out there and making friends. I really don't know how, outside of my work friends (who are all married). I'm very chatty, but only if I know someone already. I'm not tremendously outgoing and I have a big fear of rejection. Many times during my M, the STBXH and I would be visiting with people and then we'd leave and he'd scold me for talking too much or acting ditzy or something. So I really fight the feeling that if people are being social or invite me to something, it's because they feel it's the right thing to do, not necessarily because they WANT to.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dismal failure here.

I spent so much time trying to keep my family together and keep my husband calm and appeased that the kids didn't get the attention they needed, I don't think. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


Thanks for the pep-talk. Maybe the first thing on my to-do list ought to be work on my self confidence.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not try alanon?

Blessings,

D.

Deja Vu,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have NO idea what people do who have to live alone after years of sharing their lives and having close intimacy with another person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what I've seen in friends and acquaintances of mine...the trend in the world today is to jump into bed with someone new when you're craving a copanion--vows and commitment are unnecessary.

An ex-neighbor who I still play Bunco with was talking about her relationship with a guy she's dated on and off since she DV her husband a year or so ago. She was getting concerned because she was feeling like he was taking advantage of her, that she was sort of a "friend with benefits" to him and nothing more. "But", she says to us, "I'm in control now. I don't just spend the night over there whenever he wants."

I think that's a common scenario for many DV people. Some 20 years ago when STBXH's dad left his mom for OW, his mom who was in her late 30's at the time, had quite the string of men through her bedroom before she settled on one and married him. And when he died suddenly several years later, within a month of his death she was scoping out singles adds and finding herself someone else to fill the void.

My sister has told me I'm going to have to loosen up a little. My office neighbor at work has lots of fun talking about how long it will take me to find another man (his believe is that it won't take long...and that a few beers will help me change my mind about sticking so tightly to my values). Whatever...I don't like beer anyway. And I'm sticking to my beliefs despite everyone.

But that doesn't make the longing for a partner go away. It just makes it harder to think of ever finding one.

WGTT,

Alanon? I was going to go back this fall. Then I filed DV. I'm not sure if I'm scared, or feel out of place, or what the deal is. My alcoholic isn't in my life anymore. I know, often the alcoholic in the Alanon member's life is no longer there. But I'm not sure how to deal with the program and at the same time be able to not think about the alcoholic who is the reason I'm there. I don't want to think about my STBXH all the time. I can't do it yet without a dull ache and thoughts of him and OW popping to mind.

Does that make sense? I'm having trouble conveying my thoughts because I'm not really sure why I feel how I feel about it.

LL

LL,
I took a break from the boards for... well, several months. Found it just put my head in a bad place.

Anyway, I missed you over on GQII and searched for your recent posts.

It sounds to me like you're feeling adrift, somewhat. I still think you're so much stronger and clearer than when you came here. Your DD, while still a challenge, is SO MUCH better! I can't believe she's respecting curfew. Your life is rid of so much chaos, and I'm very proud of you.

I think al-anon is a good idea, but understand the pain it might dredge up right now.

You like motorcycles - what about some kind of riding club?

Or you like your dogs - I live in a large city and there are hiking clubs *and* hiking-with-dogs clubs. Maybe that would be a social and athletic (without too much coordination required) outlet for you.

Sit down and think about what you like, and see if you can figure out a way to incorporate that into your life -- with other adults. Not necessarily prospective mates, just other adults for now.

BTDT, lordslady!

You know what I like about you? You say right out loud what so many of us have gone through! You're a brave soul, even though you may not feel that way right now. You are!!

Okay, regarding the longing for a partner, have you noticed as I post that I will often say how happy I am?? Don't you ever wonder, "Well, geez, she's not with anybody...how come she's so darn happy?"

It's because I took the time to "take care of some business" before I went looking for a partner. My #1 business was getting my life and kids in order. I had to find a job, find us a place to live that would take our pets, get us moved, get the kids into schools, etc. Plus, my kids were dealing with their own issues (moving, GF/BF of their own, divorce, etc.) ad I was dealing with my own issues too! So #1 order of the day--get my life in order!!

My #2 business was to get my SELF in order. Aha! Order #1 took a little while but wasn't too bad...I got things basically set up and running fairly quickly. But #2 took a LOT more time and effort. I had to re-energize a spiritual life that had been quelched during my marriage but had never died. I had to go through some WS withdrawal. I had to go to S-Anon and realize that I had my own sexuality issues and baggage from living with an SA. I had to work that program for a while to get the hang of it. I had to go to IC for feelings and issues regarding the divorce and was on St. John's Wort for a long time. I also went to a support group for abused women, so that I could learn to regain my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Actually, it was through my support group that I got on to my business #3: reclaiming everything in my life so it was MINE. I learned about what my tastes and my opinions were, and then I let some of ME come through in my home, my kids, my work,etc. I also came into a very, very close relationship with God about this time, because I was free to worship Him in a way that I saw fit without being chastised or ridiculed. It was just the most wonderful thing to be able to believe what I believe without being told I was dumb or irrational for it! So I grew like crazy!

At about this I began to think that maybe I was ready for a partner--but I wasn't sure. However, by then I had met some "friends" and had some adult companionship in my life who could help me out (I call them my Wise Council). I had my IC. I had S-Anon friends. I had some MB friends offline. I had met my neighbors. I had met some of my kid's friend's parents. I had my ladies from my support group!!

So from there, I just asked and spoke up a little. One lady in my support group goes line-dancing on Tuesday nights, and I had NEVER done line-dancing, so I went...BY MYSELF...and met people and had fun (and a little exercise too!). My IC knew a group who needed a Victim Empathy speaker...and the leader of that group knew of a seminar that weekend about relationships after divorce...so I went! I sat by a man who was one of my kid's friend's parents! I met people who knew people....

Lordslady, you are on the right track. Your ADHD daughter will not be a lifelong death sentence against someone ever loving you. My son also has ADHD, and rather than look at him as if the Tazmanian Devil lives inside him (that's how it FEELS sometimes though) I look at him as if he is completely unique. He is just so completely different and special in the way that he thinks and processes things that the rest of the world has not caught up. One day, he WILL grow up and move out--but his calendar is slightly different than the rest of the world's and he will do it to the beat of his own drummer. But that doesn't make me any less lovable or DESERVING OF A MUTUAL, LOVING RELATIONSHIP.

For now, if I am alone, so be it. I'm very happy and satisfied with my life. I hope that one day I can share my life with someone, but if not, then I won't feel afraid to be alone. And milady, I suspect as you go down this road a little farther, as I have done, it will be very similar for you. You are a wonderful, smart, brave woman, and one day your head will start to believe that.


CJ

LL, I have a couple of thoughts.

My sister had ADHD growing up, as well as moderate mental and mild physical handicaps, so I have a sense of what you're living with.

First off, if your daughter is now living with her curfews well, perhaps it's time to introduce, in a baby-step way, one other thing that would help her learn discipline and you not have to deal with such a mess. I dunno anything about your daughter, but I wonder if she could do a 1- or 2- or 5- or 15- minute timer drill each day.

You mentioned several things that she does -- greasy dishes everywhere, her stuff in your bathroom, etc.

So what about taking the kitchen timer and spending that drill on CLOSING PARENTHESES?

She's done it in English class -- when you open a parenthetical statement (like this one) you have to close it again (and not leave hanging open parentheses).

She's doing this ( cooking bathroom wandering having fun

But not this

putting away straightening up closing up so she can move to the next thing )

Totally understandable for someone with ADHD. It's the jumpiness. So if she were to spend a little time with a timer each day -- a timer and HER OWN list of what to do in that time, she might very well learn that it's a useful concept for her life.

You might start with her room, or her bathroom stuff, or let her decide what it's going to be. And then work with her on doing whatever it is each day when she gets home. Eventually, you can see if she'd be willing to try to do it while she's home by herself.

I dunno whether this will work with her or not -- I do know that this kind of thing, practiced over long periods of time, can help folks with ADHD to learn habits that help them in life.

Okay, that's one whole topic. The other thing I wanted to address was the "you" stuff.

Your life has gotten, it sounds like, kind of small and narrowly focused. It doesn't have to get big and broadly focused all at once, but I like CJ's suggestion (Hi CJ!) of incrementally expanding your life a little. I'm guessing that there are plenty of people who would love to interact with you and plenty of activities that you don't know about but would enjoy. Start mentioning them in casual conversation to the people you do know, and see what happens.

There's also probably a local newspaper that you could peruse -- what activities are there in it? How about a community choir? Christmas is coming up; maybe someone's doing the Messiah in your area. (Who cares if you can't sing well? You'll improve while you practice.) Or you could go volunteer at a local museum or cultural/historical facility. Almost every corner of the country has something like that tucked away, and with your crafts knowledge you'd probably help them out a lot with their gifts that they have for sale.

None of this is a cure-all, but it's just ideas that may allow you to break the pattern that's not working for you, and expand your life into things that are more rewarding.

Oh, and -- I really like the idea of returning to Al-Anon. I can understand the triggers involved, but I bet you would find healing there.