I've read every thing on this site over the past months, Ive ordered the books and read. It has been a great help in getting my sanity back. I've found reasons for my wifes affair last year instead of excepting her excuse of "bad judgement". I learned and excepted that I played a large part in leaving the marriage vonerable for an affair to happen, yet I'm not to blame for the affair she chose to have. Let me explain who I am, or was? I was a soldier from '66 to '71, I quit school and joined. I have had my own semi and drove coast to coast in the US, Canada, and Alaska for 25 years. I spent several years as a bouncer and rode with several M/C clubs over the years. I've been wounded twice. I mention all of this, not because I think it makes me better than anyone else, but to let you know that I'm no wimp or cry baby. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be brought to my knees by a woman I had loved for 25 years. I'm no stranger to pain, but I've never felt pain that went so deep or lasted that long. Also I'm not used to asking for help, so please cut me some slack if I'm not doing this right.
I discovered the affair June of '03 and confronted her. She denied that he even existed. From that point on, I now know that I couldn't have handled the affair anymore wrongly than I did. By taping the phone lines, redirecting her email, and finding things I wish now I never had, I caused my self to suffer a lot more than I would have. Between July 20th '03 and Nov. 10th '03 I let myself be decived that the affair was over and we were rebuilding the marriage, three times. Pain x 3.
Nov. 10th I caught her for the last time and she wanted another chance but I couldn't find any thing left in me. No pride, no selfworth, no will to live. The only thing I survived on for a year was resentment toward her and hatred for him. With the few brain cells, that a year of this, hadn't destrowed, I found this site. I know I'm nowhere near the man I used to be, but I am starting to see through the fog. The problem now is, just when I'm making progress, she comes to me and says that it would be easyer for us to concentrate if we were apart for a few days? This was 3 weeks ago. She came by today, it was our 25th anniversary, and we talked. She told me how lonely and unhappy she was and saw no chance in trying to restore our marriage until she found what ever it she's looking for. She can't tell me what it is, where it's at or how long it will take her to find it? I asked if she was saying the marriage was over? "I don't know" was her reply. Do you just need some more time? Another "I don't know". Are we talking about another week, month,year,just guess? She said, If you get lonsome or need sex, I certainly will under stand your being with another woman. I have this thing about honor and keeping a promise, I can't break the vows I took, even with her permission. I told her I would see a lawyer in the morning. She said she'd see me next week-end and walked off. 1/4 of a centry, 25 yrs. gone. To the lawyer or not??? Thank's

If you're not ready to D, why give her an easy way out?

Practice principles you learn here; make deposits where you can, steer clear of relationship talks at this point, and take a wait-and-see attitude.

You poor guy.
You said you were on the road alot, if this was during your marriage, prehaps she feels abandoned? I know I felt animosity towards my ex that he placed his job above me.
Any possible fault of yours aside (not that there is one), given what you have told us, she has just blatenly been cheating. Cheating is not always a two way street, as some would suggest. Sometimes, people grow selfish with time, and like an addiction to drugs, the tiniest bit of attention/flirtation can evolve into something that grows out of control.
She is the one who is requesting a seperation, if I am not mistaken.. in which case, it gets confusing. Some options:
1. tell her you want to try a marriage
councelor, set # days ea. week, 1st (as in
before she leaves)
2. let her go with your blessings- either
telling her you are there for her or not
(though, honestly, I do not believe there
is any merit to this choice, unless u want a
divorce)
3. explain your side, your feelings, and then
tell her what you want to do, adding that
(given she is the one who wants to go) you
love her-- always have and always will-- and
that though you do not want her to go, and
that you FEEL it would create an unmendable
wound in your relationship, but that you
respect her, and that ultimatly her choice
is her own.

I wish you the best of luck, and I honestly feel for you. Good luck.

Sorry it took so long to answer. About my being on the road a lot, we started off as husband and wife team, so the first year we were togeather. From all my searching, I've figured out our problem started when she got pregnant and got off the truck. We met 25 yrs. ago in a bar. She was a bartender and I was a boncer. Our first 6 years were what I had dreamed of but never thought I would find. We were not drunks, but drinking was a regular part of our job and life style. There was a lot of love, careing and sex. When she got pregnant, she quite drinking and I did too. Things changed. Sex was almost non existant. I would be gone for 2 or 3 wks. and come in for a day or two, But more often than not, I would leave with a promise of sex next time I came in. It never caused me to love her any less, but I stayed confused and I didn't realize how much it was changing me. I couldn't stand it any longer and sold my semi in '91. This upset her a lot. By now all my decisions were based on, "will this lead to a better sex life?". It didn't. Actually it made it worse for me. Now instead of facing rejection every couple wks., it was every night. Every thing I did made matters worse. I went back to drinking to ease the pain and stop my mind from spinning. I know this was wrong and I caused her a lot of pain that I think she still holds against me. When she had enough she gave me a choice of, stop drinking or she would leave. I quit drinking that day. I told her how sorry I was and for the hundredth time I tried to explain my need for sex. This is when she explained to me that if she wasn't drinking she had no desire at all for sex. In the last 10 years she has made 4 or 5 atempts to try, but they never last over a few wks. The rejection and unmet need for sex over these last 10 years have caused me to make some very poor decisions. But I still loved her with all my heart. I ended up staying in my shop day and night, thinking that she would want me sooner or latter. Wrong! After years of loving her and waiting, I find she is having the affair.