Well, my alcoholic husband of 7 years refuses to accept that I want a separation. We have two children, 5 and 18 mos. He supposedly has not had a drink for 3 weeks. He went to one AA meeting and said the following:

1. I'm not as bad as the people there
2. I hope you realize I'm not going to completely stop drinking, that I just need to slow down

He is also addicated to marijuana, which he also says he has stopped.

These are my issues:

1. For the 10 years we've been together, he has not respected my request to NOT have drugs in our house. I've even become accustomed to it, really. Heck, is there anyone in the world who DOESN'T do drugs regularly, besides me? I feel like a freak!

2. He has a felony for possession of a controlled substance - another reason for my issue with the pot.

3. I feel that his ignoring me on the above issues is very disrespectful to me and this has definitely affected our marriage.

4. I am currently going to individual counseling and have been told that HE has bad days on the day that I go because he knows I'm going (???) and he told me yesterday that he thinks I'm clinically depressed because I'm no longer happy around him (I guess he's a therapist now, too).

Anyway, I'm rambling. I feel that I am truly emotionally dead inside toward this man. I sometimes wonder to myself if I really know him (he's been drinking/drugging ever since I've known him). Yet I feel guilty for wanting to leave.

He is not abusive or mean or violent. He is a good father (when he wants to be). I want a good life for our children. So far, I've had to cash out several 401(k)'s, kid's college savings and kid's savings bonds just to keep us afloat. He is very irresponsible with money.

Can you see I'm having a hard time processing this? I know it's not SUPPOSED to be easy, but I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and have everything solved.

By the way, I've asked him to leave and he will not. He thinks we need marriage counseling. Been there, done that. I don't think it's worth it - I think I've reached my limit and can't go back.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Shannon

Shannon,

Sound like you are in a tough situation.

One thing that hits me is the fact that you said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he's been drinking/drugging ever since I've known him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Speaking from experience
First let me clear myself, I gave up the pot with the expectation of kids.

But I always felt that there was nothing wrong with my "Habits" because that was the way I always was and she knew it. Why do I need to change now? So I can understand him saying that he only needed to cut back on the drinking. I said the same thing.

Basically what I'm getting at is that I wasn't able to see how important these things were to my STBX because they never bothered her before.

I recommend that you try to find a respectfull way to communicate your feelings about these issues with him. You say that you "THINK" you've reached your limit. My guess is that you still have a little left in you.

Has he ever gone to IC with you. If not, ask IC about it. perhaps IC can help you get your feelings through to him. But make sure he knows why he is going. STBX tricked me into going with her once and her and IC ganged up on me and it just p!ssed me off.

WIWH

Up---you are in a very hard place. I, too, have left my H who is an alcoholic. He, too, was a good father and kind hearted and responsible (hard working) person. So my leaving was a major decision for me cause I never believed in divorce. I did stay in my marriage a very long time with all the problems you just described and more. (wasting money, drunk-driving accident which resulted in WS becoming a paraplegic, DWI, poor judgment, endless nights out with the guys, Then the second OW). I tried to learn through Alanon and help from God to change what I could. I did succeed in making our home somewhat peaceful. I do believe that I did provide stability for my kids but IT WAS NOT EASY> I do not regret it but I wonder how I survived it. It was not all bad, I guess, so the good always outweighed the bad.

I worked and worked on my M.....never giving up until I found this website. Dr Harley and others made it very clear that there is NO working on a marriage as long as the addict is still actively drinking/drugging. They are not capable of giving in a marriage and having a connected relationship. I came to the very painful conclusion that my WS had no ability to work on our M.

I suggest you counsel with Dr Harley and make Alanon a regular part of your life. If you H never stops drinking/drugging, you will have to teach your children how to deal with an addicted parent no matter what you decide to do. Since you have children, you will always have some contact with your H. Alanon will help you get to the place of stabilizing your thoughts and feelings. This is not a decision you can make easily.

TW

Shannon, I second TW's suggestions to talk to Steve Harley and attend AlAnon. Both can help you clarify what you need to do for yourself and your kids.

Thanks so much for your responses. How do I go about talking with Dr. Harley? I'm relatively new to this site.

Shannon, Look at the top of this page, under the "Marriage Builders" logo. Click on "Counsel" and it will give you the information for contacting Dr. Harley.

Have you been to an AlAnon meeting? It's a great support group. It's essentially free. There are others there who are going through or have been through situations similar to what you're going through. There are no rules and no one will tell you what to do. You learn to use the 12 steps, originally from Alcoholics Anonymous, to make changes in your own life. Good luck!
Leslie