Very long, very bad day today. Very unhappy with myself. I'm too tired and lazy to post it all on here. It's all over on GQII.

At any rate, I don't believe I have much of a M to save. It's my understanding that after today's outbursts, there is a retraining order in process that won't allow me anywhere near STBXH's apartment or his shop, and won't allow him or OW near my house.

This means I now have big problems with my daughter as OW was her ride home from school at noon on M/W/F and that is now officially over. I'm too tired to think about it and tomorrow is Thursday anyway--my pickup day--so I'll give thought to it later.

I just feel so low that it's hard to believe God could even begin to forgive me for this.

LL

{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I, too, hate the insanity of all this, but I do know a way out. It's Al-Anon.

I spent 18 years living with an alcoholic/addict and I've, so far, spent 4 years separated and trying to divorce him after he moved in with MOW. I truly do know the insanity of it all.

When WH left, there were 6 (seriously!) teenagers living with us - his son and his girlfriend who later became his wife, his niece and her boyfriend who are now parents of a 2 1/2 year old boy, his nephew, and a sometimes suicidal friend of his niece's. The girl he left me for was only 2 years older than his son and married to one of his son's friends.

I only tell you that so that you can begin to imagine the chaos. H was abusive. He left me to run our business alone. To my face, he tells me he still loves me and is so proud of me for keeping everything together, but behind my back I'm the evil b***h who's stolen his business from him.

This is all part of the disease of alcoholism and/or drug addiction and the absolute only thing we can do about it is to admit that we are powerless over it and turn our will and our lives over to a power greater than ourselves. If you do this, it will get better. This is one of the promises of Al-Anon.

ALSO POSTED ON GQII


...............................................
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I really need is an organization to help me learn to deal with the alcoholic's mistress!

Seriously, WGTT, I know in my mind that Al-Anon would benefit me a lot. Right now, for lack of being able to explain it better--I think I avoid going because if I go, I have to think about the alcoholic. I do better at this point if I don't think about him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL - Actually in alanon the focus is on you, not the alcoholic. Alanon gives you new tools to use so you don't have to go to the "how to deal with mistress school"

You say you don't want to think about him, but with all that has gone on, is that really working?

What your dealing with is insanity. And it's easy to get sucked in as you have demonstrated. What if instead, the alanon concept of detatch with love was used so that when mistress tried to get into your life you simply told her you wouldn't deal with her it was between you and WH just didn't deal with her. Then find other ways to deal with the situation.

Alanon gives you choices. YOUR choices. Years of living with alanon changes your perspective on life. LL, You have put yourself down on so many of the threads. Do you know how many times that is brought up in alanon. That's why they have the steps. For you to discover your many positive qualities that have been hidden or not apparent to you.

Alanon's are solution oritented & are usually very willing to help each other out.... maybe pick up d from school.... etc. Look for solutions .... they are out there.


I know this may sound harsh, but I've been there (which means I've been to hell but that God that I am back. You life will continue to be insane until YOU do something about it!


(((((((((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Blessings,A

D.

What if instead, the alanon concept of detatch with love was used so that when mistress tried to get into your life you simply told her you wouldn't deal with her it was between you and WH just didn't deal with her.

I have had that exact conversation with her. I've had it several times, actually--the last time being when I found out STBXH changed his cell #. I told her I had no way to get ahold of him regarding his kids and she said, "You can call me."

No, I informed her, I won't. But I should have just stopped there and hung up instead of getting angry.

I truly wanted a civilized DV. I told OW and STBXH that. I believe people CAN act like adults during the process. She chooses to prevent that by inserting herself in all situations and being antagonistic. He chooses to allow her to do it, while he does his total conflict avoidance thing with me.

I do think the only way to deal with them is to avoid them entirely. Hard to do while still trying to foster the relationship between the kids and their father.

LL

Proof that I'm trying hard to be civil--here is the letter I gave to OW on Wednesday afternoon--the day things all came to a head and the restraining order was supposedly filed. I dropped this off, along with a small gift for the toddler (as an apology to OW for what I said), and picked up my cell phone from my daughter, who was spending the night down there.

This is the last communication I've had with either of them, other than a phone call on Thurs to OW, to ask to speak to my daughter who was with them.
_________________________________________________

STBXH & OW,

I am truly sorry for my actions Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I let my emotions get the best of me and I acted in ways that I know are wrong. I am not saying I am wrong to be angry about the phone number switch, or with your relationship in general, but I was wrong to react the way I did. I stooped to a level I told myself I was not going to stoop to, and I feel very bad about all the hurt that was spewed forth.

I am not comfortable having to run all communication through OW. While I was okay with occasional issues, it does re-open wounds that were starting to heal each time I talk to or see her because it is constant reminder of what is gone and what is now in its place.

If you, STBXH, aren’t comfortable discussing things personally with me, then I believe the best way to for me to communicate anything short of a life-and-death emergency with one of the kids is to send my communication to you via certified mail. This way, I know you got it, I don’t have to talk directly to OW, and you don’t have to talk directly to me.

I am also very sorry for the hateful comment I made about OW's baby. She is truly a precious child, and too young and innocent to have to deal with any of the painful, angry fallout from either of our (STBXH and mine) or your (OW and OWH) relationships. I do not believe in any way that she is a b**ch. I was angry at you and I struck back without thinking, with the most painful statement that came to mind.

While physical violence is never called for, and I probably would have reacted verbally if it’d been me, I do somewhat understand your immediate protective reaction toward your daughter. For this reason, I have called the police who said it shouldn’t be a problem for me to call back at 8am Thursday when the case is assigned to a detective, and have the charges dropped. That is my plan.

Thank you for giving the tape back. It has been destroyed so that it won’t cause any more problems. Also thanks to STBXH for looking at my brakes. I know it wasn’t something he had to do and I was being none too kind at the time.

It is not my mission to harass you. I am sorry that the text messages at 11:30pm some nights ago started such the heated argument, too. I really didn’t mean to wake anyone. First, I didn’t realize you’d wake up when the phone beeped, and honestly, I didn’t pay attention to what time I was sending them until you called me on it. It wasn’t intentional.

Finally, if either of you do need to call me, I will not ignore you but will be courteous and answer the phone. However, if the tone changes to hateful or controlling, I will probably hang up immediately so as to prevent another outburst like what just happened.

LL


<small>[ November 07, 2004, 02:13 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>