True Tests

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me; my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So, before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we're very happy, you passed our test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

9 Signs That You're Broke


1. At communion you go back for seconds.
2. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. Long-distance companies don't call you to switch.
5. You give blood every day... just for the orange juice.
6. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
7. American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
8. Your idea of a seven-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line is for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Top 20 Signs That You've Been Online Too Long

1. Tech Support calls you for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "you can hang out."
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
7. You've gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face.
8. You have to get a second phone line so you can order pizza.
9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be "away."
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences.
12. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.
16. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses'.
17. You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook.
18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
19. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were online all night). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Stolen fruit is sweeter...eating forbidden fruit from the devil's orchard, makes for BAD JAM!

Sky Diver,

Are you trying to confuse us blonds. That's one that takes thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Marriage I

As the newlyweds entered their new home for the first time, the new husband thought it was the right time to lay down some rules:

"Honey" he said, "I will go out WHEN I want, WHERE I want, and WITH WHOM I want. I will stay out all night if I want to, and I will drink beer with the guys if I want to. When I come home, I expect a hot meal on the table unless I call ahead and tell you I will not be home. Are my rules clear?"

The wife thought about it quietly a moment, nodded, and said "Okay...but I have one rule of my own."

"What's that?" the new husband asked.

"Sex will be at 7pm every night, whether you are home or not!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Wish I were home-

Oye-No tryin to confuse-amused by the deep dark humor on adultery. Here's the lo on the down.

If you don't want the fruits of sin-stay of devil orchard.Here comes a blond lite moment! Come to think of it- I'm a burnette- dark, deep jokes with sarcasm does it for me. LoL

So I'll lighten up a few shades up. Quik lip laughs.


New Proverbs TO live By;

A skeptic is a person who, when sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in five days, perhaps giving God advice isn't such a good idea.

Some folks wear their halos much to tight.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can be sure the water bill is high.

It's all right to sit on the pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when your done.

The best way to get even is to forget.

Excerise daily- walk with the Lord.

Let a Jewish carpenter build your dream house.

Body piercing saved my life.

Seven days without our prayer makes one weak.

People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

If God is your co-pilot SWAP SEATS.

My way is the High Way. God

Need directions? I've got them. God

If you give the devil an inch. He will become the ruler.

Ten Commandments were NOT called The ten suggestions.

For all you do, His blood for you.

If you live as if GOd doesn't exist, you better be right!

Never to late to plan for eternity.

Get faith. It's free.

Feelin let down today? Try looking up.

Jesus invested His life in you. Have you shown any interest?

T.G.I.F. Thank God I am forgiven.

Let's meet Sunday...face to faith. God

Have you read my number 1 best seller? There will be a test. God

God answers Knee mail.

Give your troubles to God-He's up all night anyways.

Prayer gives you a calm-plex.

Get an afterlife.

Fight truth decay- read the bible daily.

God is like tide- He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like delta-He's ready when you are.

God is like scotch tape. You can't see him, but you know he is there.

If your headed in the wrong direction. God allows U turns.

Sin adds to your troubles, subtracts your energy, multiplies your difficulties, and divides you from God.

C'mon over and bring the kids. God

If you can't sleep don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.


T.G.I.F. Today God is First.

FaithfulNewCJ-- I like it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Mother of bride advice to her daughter before marriage. If your husband ever use 4 lettered words on you, be sure to come back home to us dear. That will be the end of that marriage. No daughter of mine will ever endure such treatment. Daughter says alright mommy.

A month later after the honeymoon--the new bride shows up on her parents doorstep in tears and suitcase. Saying" I'm leaving him, never going back, the marriage was a mistake, he's a brute. Mommy, he said those terrible 4 words rite on our honeymoon night. I covered my ears and begged him to stop. Last week again he said it again. Today, he whispered those horrible words in my ear.
I was terrified. What did he say exactly asked her mother.

He said honey, now that were' married, we're in our new home it's time for you to Wash, Iron, Cook, Clean... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />