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#778802 10/28/04 02:15 PM
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H has moved in suddenly with OW, and left me and the kids after 14 years of marriage. Call it a mid life crisis (at 40) but I think it has a lot to do with my H's climb to success over the last 5 years. When we were middle income, we had a good life, but nothing spectacular. Now my H is a senior executive in the company. He has made a bundle from a side business. His income has quadrupled, he can afford all the status symbols he thinks he deserves.

I make a good salary, but am not very materialistic. I'll spend my money on travel with my and or/family over a designer label, fancy car etc any time. I always thought we balanced each other out in that respect. Now that H has achieved the financial success he has always dreamed of, and done it very quickly, I think he has been looking at his overall image, good looking, athletic, has $, nice car, vacation home, boat etc etc etc. All he doesn't have is the right woman on his arm to match the GQ image. So he has traded up (down?) for a younger, hipper, exotic (she is Asian) woman who he feels now fits better with his image.

They have materialism in common. She is also in to designer clothes, nice cars, spending money on the finer things in life in general. So this is an area where they definitely have the same philosphy of life. Whether or not this makes them a good match, I'm not sure. Seems kind of like an alcoholic has in common with another alcoholic - they are soul mates when it comes to over indulgence, but its not neccessarily a healthy relationship.

So I don't think that he doesn't love me as a wife and person (respect me is another story).
I know its not about sex, because we have always had a great sex life. And even though he will say its about the fact that I am older, our age difference has never created any problems with our relationship, EXCEPT for the fact that I AM older! And he feels I am going to get older and older, he will be in his prime at 50 (and a young looking 50 at that!) and I will be 65.

H told the counselor that he always figured he would be leaving sometime, just not this soon.
OW moved up his plan - a bird in the hand you see.
So the kids are still in school 10 & 14. He also said that it seems like a good time to leave, since I "still have my looks!" and should be able to find another mate! My, my, he does sound shallow doesn't he?

So the bottom line is, its about appearances and status, what fits his image. I don't doubt for a second that they are blissfully in their honeymoon stage, only 3 weeks into their co-habitation, but I still believe my H has not fallen out of love with me, just focusing on his newer model to keep from feeling it. Does this make me feel any better? No. But it certainly makes me feel like he is obsessed with money, image, status etc, and that he will give up his family, the respect of his friends, family, collegues to get to where he thinks he should be in life, with a woman that fits his image of a more appropriate mate for his success.

Now, keep in mind that I am not your typical 55 year old. I look about 40, fit, fun loving, adventurous, intelligent, talented, and enjoy pleasing my mate in all respects. In my humble opinion, someone that the majority of men, younger or older, would be proud to have on their arm. 14 years of making my H happy, being a good mother to his kids, and always faithful. These things should be important to a man too, wouldn't you think?

Well, as I have said before, time will tell if his hotty will truly make him happy and fulfill his image hangups. I think he is the classic narcisist - self centered, above following the rules of society, arrogent, hopeless romantic, and thrives on the high of the excitement and feelings one feels at the beginning of a new relationship. I also believe that he has thought this through and planned it out very carefully, probably for months. Thinks that he can do the right thing by the kids, still be a good dad, take care of me with division of property, that its OK to walk out on your marriage. That "true love" justifies any damage you do in the process of getting there. Hopeless romantic, hung up on appearances, and there you have it. Now the kids and I must pay the price for his indulgence.
Yes, I truly loved him and still do I guess, he made me happy the vast majority of the time we were married, but looking at him objectively, what kind of twisted person lives his life this way? I guess men (and women) do it all the time, leave their spouses for someone new and exciting. I just never thought it would happen to me.

Kids going to a child psychologist, me seeing an attorney, and trying to sandwich all this between soccer, school, laundry, and Halloween! Trying to maintain some semblance of normality when daddy has flown the coop. Pardon the long vent, just my take on things today.

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

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I'm so sorry to hear your situation. A cyber hug for you ((((((everhopeful)))))).

I truly don't understand what the big deal is with status and image, but it seems people are becoming more and more self-centered as the days go by.

My STBXH is about the same age as yours (will be 40 in March). Although I am not older than him but am the same age (39), it still wasn't enough. One of the things he kept saying at the beginning of the E/A was "I find it intriguing that a 25-year-old is interested in me."

(Uh, she's a jobless gold-digger with a little baby who needs a "daddy" and she likes your shiny truck and your Harley.)

Anyway, I blame it on mid-life crisis in his case. Although he hasn't risen to financial success as your husband has, he was at a point where I think he was feeling older and unattractive and bored. Here was this young thing showing him attention, she loves to drink and party just like he does, and how fun for him to say to all his Harley buddies, "Look at this--I'm sportin' a 25-yr-old!"

So just like your WH is into women who like designer fashions, etc, because they fit HIS image, mine was taken by the woman who fits in with his rebellious, 'bad-boy' image.

It is just so senseless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Men may complain about women and menopause, but I think men have a lot harder time dealing with age than we do!

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Wow, we are married to the same man, I swear. Over the past couple of years, money, status, image, and outward appearances became more and more important to him, until it was everything to him. His social life evolved away from he & I doing things with other couples/families, to him going out alone with the younger, single people at work. He's 39 and will be 40 in February. I know I'm being "traded-in." Doesn't feel good, but stuff is just stuff and my happiness never was (and hopefully never will be) dependent on it.

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Everhopeful, lordslady, and cyllanlisa:

I wanted to share some encouraging words with you about this topic. It would appear that the 40-something bugs has hit our ex's, stbx's or H's pretty hard. We have all had similar experiences with our "turning 40" spouses basically having a major midlife crisis and abandoning the wife of their youth. But let me share with you what really happened in my life and in my exH's life when he left me for his "image girl."

In my situation, my exH did have issues beyond just having an A(bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, diabetes, sex addiction), so in that regard my sitch is unique. Yet what's not so unique is that my exH hit 30 and had his first affair. He said at the time that he was 30, just had his second child, had a wife with more weight, and a "fixer-upper" house...and at 30 with his salary, he should have more. He ended up dating the company slut who was using him to sleep her way to the top. After I told him she could have him, she dumped him and started sleeping with HIS boss!

Suddenly, he was motivated to reconcile! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

(There were several little affairs in between--ONS, EA's, cybersex flings)

Next big affair, he was turning 40! He had a successful company (thanks to HIS WIFE who supported him and worked side-by-side with him for more than a decade!), a good business reputation, two "good" kids, a big house with a pool in the admired part of town...and a wife who was getting older, had a few gray hairs, and a few extra pounds. CAN'T HAVE THAT!

Most of my exH's mistresses were between 25-30yo, tall and whispy (5'7" to 5'11" max of 120lbs) and his favorites were the cheerleader/dancer types. Of course, he LUSTED for that type of woman, but the ones he actually had A's with were our age, broke or unemployed, X # of kids from different daddies, a little overweight, and a little "used" looking. But in his mind, his thought was "I'm 40yo, with a successful business, a big house in a rich neighborhood, good kids...and I deserve a trophy wife!"

He has said OUT LOUD to me that at this age in his life, he thought he had worked hard enough to have the perfect image--older but handsome, successful, new cars every year, and perfect wife and kids...but I think the wifey and kids in his picture are just pretty background--they aren't real people at all!!

So, he left me and the kids to get "what he deserved." It never dawned on him that if I wasn't working at HIS company that it would fail. It never dawned on him that he would not just get the "big house with the pool" all to himself and his little playmate. It never dawned on him that by leaving us, he would also be loosing half of HIS possesions. It never dawned on him that his "good" kids wouldn't take his walking out on them very well. It never dawned on him that he'd have to get a JOB now! It never dawned on him that he would have to continue to support his own children. It never dawned on him that 25yo cheerleaders aren't looking for a sexually addicted, mentally ill, workaholic with no money.

Within a year of our divorce, I am living in a home I adore that is PLENTY big and filled with peace and love. I have close relationships with both of my kids (even though they are teenagers); I have pets that mean the world to me; and I have every "thing" my heart could desire. I have a job that I ADORE and I work with people not only whom I adore, but who adore me back!!! I am free from abuse and rage in my life, and I literally don't think I could be happier. Well...maybe if I met someone who was my equal! heehee! But other than that, I am ecstatic.

OTOH, my exH lost not one but TWO jobs because of his temper. He has a few precious "things" that he allows no one to see or touch, so no one can come over to his place. He has alienated his own children and treats them very meanly. He has no one in his life except his one last mistress who is married with 4 kids and who uses him for sex when she can't get it anywhere else--but otherwise she couldn't care less about him. He can barely make ends meet, leaves his dog alone for hours, and is just basically alone and a mess!!!

Where's "image" now?? What "image" does he portrait now? My image is one of a beautiful woman who finally KNOWS the true, deep beauty of ME. I am happy, successful, loved, and accepted. I have friends, neighbors, co-workers and a life filled with joy. THAT is my image.

Sounds like I'm the one who succeeded.


CJ

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It seems so shallow, doesn't it? And the fact is, I think my H really does love me, misses the great sex, my grounded, relaxed personality. OW may be trendy but she is high maintenance and as my H puts it "pissy". And of course, the really funny thing is, that after the divorce settlement, he will have far less $, and I am not even asking for more than I need to keep the house and take care of the kids and myself without taking a step backwards in quallity of life. But he still has his GQ looks and wardrobe, so I guess they can still head out on the town and look the part.

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Everhopeful,


It eems so shallow, doesn't it?

TR--thats because it is SHALLOW!!

And based on her being high maintentance--all that money he has--after paying you child support--will be gone--because SHE also has an IMAGE to keep up--

And so they won't have any substance--and he will eventually see what he really gave up--

God really does have a way to teach us those things--and just as He says "He will give them over to their desires"

My ex didn't leave me for someone else--but he was more concerned about money than his family--
to the point he chose his career over his family
like so many--they believe that in order to be a success they have to make so much money--

funny thing is--my now hubby, his ex-wife wasn't happy with what they had either--she wanted more
had an affair w/ someone whose family was financially rich--he was even engaged to someone else--and when she divorced her husband and destroyed their family--the guy who was promising her the moon--left and married the other lady--
so it's not just men who carry this opinion--some women do too--her younger sisters husband was financially successful, but their marriage is rocky--but she ignored that--she only seen the expensive 'things' they had--her dad divorced their mother--did the same thing--thought he deserved more--granted they have been married for
many years--it has cost them alot financially, and he's sold his soul in many money making projects to get what they have--to where a lot of people have no respect for him--

And my dad did the same thing--left my mother for someone younger to present some image he thinks he has--but to me at the time--a 40+ something year old man with a 20+ year old actually made HIM look older--but he didn't see it that way-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Wow - can I relate to this topic..

Though my WH is 51. He worked hard for many years - which cost him a R w/his kids..at 43 he was offered a great business deal and things have been financially fullfilling ever since..We both work at the company..We want for very little..It's nice to live this way..we are able to have a few toys, a nice home, vacations, fancy clothes, jewlery, etc..

I think my WH has always been a dog/predator - but when we got together (10 + years ago) I was the throphy wife..attractive, classy, smart, dressed well, enjoyed the finer things in life, put on a great show for him. So he put his SF w/OP's on "hold" or kept them very quiet..

About 3 years into the business he became bored...he didn't have the corporate executives breathing down his neck anymore - he could come and go as he pleased.. and GO he did...an old male friend of his resurfaced (flat broke loser) and they started running/chasing women..It's like they are reliving their youth in each others conquests...

From employees, to whatever he was persuing many OP's..They all are M, a few are not good looking at all and I mean YUCK..Why would a successful man who is a true perfectionst choice to have SF with this type of OP..Why would he risk his business/reputation for such trash??

My take is It makes him feel superior..in control of the R, SF is all about him not them..We've had no $$ issues w/the business so he doesn't know what it's like to lose it all or to count pennies..He's full of himself..

I think these successful men have A's because it's the ONE thing they don't have..To them money, M, Kids, house, cars, etc is easy..Someone elses wife that's a risk, that's the high they don't have w/their wife. It's another material object...A mistress..to fulfill them..The never see that they could lose it all. They can be the classic cake-eater when they don't want to leave us..Mine said, he was never going to leave me..hahaha..what about me being sick of his hoe's and leaving him - it never entered his mind. He still thinks I won't leave..and maybe I won't..maybe I'll learn to love the $$ more than him and just use him as he's used me for years..

My wh is not only a perfectionist, sexual addition, emotional addition, I see alot of narcissist PD there too, as well as, some depression. so he has alot of demons that he chooses to ignore.

Believe me should I decide to go - I'll not give up my lifestyle I'll fight for everything..He doesn't want his lifestyle to change - so why should mine??

See there are more of us going thru this than we thought..

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You know, it is good to know that I'm not the only one!!

FaithfulNew CJ -
I see my husband going down the same path. The only reason why we have any assets to split, is because I saved money, invested it, paid down the mortgage, etc. He's a spender, and I'm VERY fiscally responsible (was a good combination actually -- he kept me from being Scrooge and I kept him out of debt). Whenever all this "stuff" that really is not important in the grand scheme of things becomes your life, what kind of life is that? What happiness? What fulfillment?

I know I'll be fine and the kids as well, but I'm not looking forward to the road that gets me there.

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I also relate to this topic. My H was always into his toys, but we had a successful business together, so I figured it was his perogative. He also flirted outrageously with our employees, most of whom are women. I didn't like it, but I never really felt threatened because to me, the ones who fawned all over him were all married, needy, not very intelligent, and unattractive.

He's an alcoholic/addict. He got clean and sober for a while and then we got successful. He believed it was all because of him, that I played a very small part. I was glad to let him think that since it seemed so important to him and I basically believed it, too.

He started drinking again, because he got everything he wanted and then, like the old song (I'm dating myself) began to wonder, "Is that all there is?" Soon he was partying all the time with kids his son's age and the OW is the wife of one of his son's friend's. He bought a Harley before he left me and then a Porsche right after he moved in with MOW. In his attempt to defend his love for her, he himself said, "she's no trophy wife," and that's for sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but she is 28 years younger than I am and willing to hang out and get high and not work like him.

Meanwhile, for the past four years, I've learned how to run our business alone. Neither he nor OW has worked since, but I have a court order to send him money. I have a restraining order because, to assuage his guilt, I guess, he became extremely verbally abusive, coming over almost daily to scream at me and blame me for our separation, kick in doors, rip doors off hinges, smash my stuff, throw stuff around, etc. Now, according to both H and OW, I'm just the greedy b***h who's "stolen" everything from him (them).

We were together for almost 20 years. We went through all sorts of hell together because of his addictions, but through it all I thought he was my best friend, though he had a disease.

He told me the OW needed him more and that she "shined" for him (sounds pretty narcissistic to me now). She also seemed to be more pliable and more fun. But, I thought he still loved me, too, which is probably why I spent so long trying to save our marriage. I realize now that he isn't really capable of love. Maybe it's the drugs and alcohol, maybe it's a personality disorder, I don't know. The important part is that I finally realized, it isn't me.

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LetsTry - It's it a great feeling when you realize IT'S NOT YOU....all the blame, demands, disrespect, etc. tehy shove at us - until that lightbulb moment...

I do have a question - what are you doing with the company? Will you ever get a D? I ask this because my WH & I own a business, since it was purchased during our M it will be considered maritial property - which he would buy me out..though, "I think" I'd like to keep my partnership because of the income - heck, I won't have a job if we D...not good..Don't want to start over at 47 at minimum wage that's for sure..

Any details you can give would be apprciated...

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's it a great feeling when you realize IT'S NOT YOU....all the blame, demands, disrespect, etc. tehy shove at us - until that lightbulb moment...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So true!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have a question - what are you doing with the company? Will you ever get a D? I ask this because my WH & I own a business, since it was purchased during our M it will be considered maritial property - which he would buy me out..though, "I think" I'd like to keep my partnership because of the income - heck, I won't have a job if we D...not good..Don't want to start over at 47 at minimum wage that's for sure..

Any details you can give would be apprciated...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my case, I've been running the company alone for almost four years now. My STBXH doesn't seem to have any interest in it besides receiving his check every two weeks. Also, he lost his professional license in June because of his alcohol and drug abuse and is currently a jeopardy to the company because of the type of business it is. In fact, I've received notice from the state that his connection to the business could get us shut down.

The big issue for me is whether I can afford to buy him out. I don't want to start over either, and I'm a few years older than you. I live in a fairly small town and starting over would mean commuting to a nearby small city about one hour each way!

I wish I knew when the divorce will be final. WH seems to be stalling it every way he can - and then turning around and demanding attorney's fees because, he claims, I'm stalling! We have a forensic accountant appraising the business and he should be done soon. All our real and personal property has been appraised so when the business appraisal is done, I hope to be able to make a global settlement offer. We'll see what happens then...

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Do you not live in a no fault state? If you do how can he "stall'?

My attorney said that since we live in a no fault state and we are not acting as a M couple (even though we still live together) all the months/years go towards uncontested D..That's another reason why I haven't filed yet..The time still counts that neither of us can contest it..when the 2 years are up it will basically just come down to how $$ gets split up..there shouldn't be a waiting period for the D to be final.

Are you 50 - 50 state or equitable distribution?

How long does a forensic account take - or does that depend on the size of the business?

Will your husband make demands - alimony from you?

Seems w/your WH addictions that it's best for you to get him totally out - but, could he have demanded to be a silent partner even though you would be D?? So he could continue to receive income, use of company credit cards, etc..Sorry, I'm just trying to cover my a@@ - and I know that I couldn't step up and run the company like you can..so I need to make sure I'm covered financially for a long,long time..


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