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#778863 10/30/04 08:17 PM
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Elan Offline OP
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So he says....but what I really got out of it was the kids, dog, bills and the STD he thought I couldn't do without. Gee thanks a LOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

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What else is there?

Everything else is just money!

I would give up every dime I have to have my kids and my dog back.

I'll pass on the STD's though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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The best thing I got is ME ....and he can have all the material things in the world he wants. This is what he can never have, no matter what.

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Elan Offline OP
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yeah yeah...I know you are right...
but it's funny no? I mean he whines about all that I took...and really, what DID I take?

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He whines etc, because you took yourself out of his life and this has greatly annoyed him. Power and control he had over your life is now beyond his control....and that is the "everything" you took away from him.

My X also told the children that I "won" which actually is senseless as well...other than I did get to pass go and get a divorce and settlement . Now he simply defaults on his support to reengage with me in conflict in further attempts to control.....

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Just to be contrary... We all lost. At least those of us who weren't being abused or dealing with addictions.

When do we win ? When we can put all this crap behind us and be able to say I am comfortable and happy with my life and who I am.

Right now I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't know what to do, how to act, I need to find me again and learn to be comfortable with me. To wake up to the dawning of a new day in anticipation of what good will happen today instead of what new problems will come my way today.

Letting go of we and embracing me is when we all become winners again.

Peace brothers and sisters, may you find your way.

David A

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Elan Offline OP
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Hi David,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When do we win ? When we can put all this crap behind us and be able to say I am comfortable and happy with my life and who I am.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was in a rant yesterday...I'm over it now. I have won. That's because I was in an abusive relationship for many years. I do have peace and I am comfortable. But like life, it has it's ups and downs. I don't think it's human to be constantly comfortable -- happy, yes, but comfortable? Sometimes things happen (like me...and the reminder of the lasting gift he gave me) just makes me damn uncomfortable. I am happy though with who I am and who I am becoming. I'm pretty terrific!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Right now I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't know what to do, how to act, I need to find me again and learn to be comfortable with me. To wake up to the dawning of a new day in anticipation of what good will happen today instead of what new problems will come my way today.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow! I remember that feeling. I didn't know where to start. I didn't go out, didn't socialize with friends because I felt like "divorced, single person". I found (and still find) that people treat divorced people differently -- the women think that you are out to get their husbands and the men wonder what's wrong. I still go out. I think most of it is because I am confident and the women don't know how to take it, and the men look upon me as an oddity without a "male" to hang onto. I find that most men are uncomfortable because I can hold my own and hold up an intelligent conversation.

David...all that not knowing how be "be" changes. It takes time. Evaluate, consider, do new things. I found that the most helpful thing was to journal (or write to us about how you feel). The feedback I got from here when I first started this journey was incredible. Some of it I didn't want to hear...and MOST of it I HAD to hear. (thanks Amoknow! you are the BESTEST with your advice!)

Thanks David for making me re-focus my energies...

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Elan,
If I may ask? How did you manage to detach from him? Was he verbal, emotional abusive? Physical abuse? alcoholic? Did you plan B?

Danneill

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Elan Offline OP
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Hi Danneil,

Actually I went to a shelter and started to take a class on Anger Management because my ex was telling me that I was the one that had a problem.

Long before that I plan A'd and B'd before even coming to MB. I got here after I was divorced and having to deal with a narcissitic person who continued his abusiveness.

I started school full-time to be a contributing member of our household (I was a stay at home mom for years and my skills were such that I'd only get a cashier job...I wanted more). It just snowballed from there.

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You are very brave Elan. I'm glad you made such a wise decision.

My H is also abusive, not physical though. He is an alcoholic, mean when he drinks.

He knows how to push my buttons. I would rather describe it as he backs me into a corner, and it usually involves my kids, so naturally I "fight" back to protect my kids.

His reasoning also is that he is right, and that I am the crazy one and that I have anger control issues. I am normally a very passive person. It takes alot to ruffle my feathers.

I have learned though to step back and chill out when he has been drinking. Although he has never hit me ect...I am afraid of him when he is like that.

I am preparing to move this week.
Danneill


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