Danneill,
That's a very brave thing to do -- moving out. I hung in there for the sake of the kids (20 years). I finally had it when I really thought about what we were teaching the kids. It's a crap shoot really. When you are dealing with an abusive person, someone who is addicted to something (my ex was an adrenaline junkie...fast cars, fast bikes -- to the point where they would be money for a bike but nothing for groceries). It's very hard to leave it because leaving something you are familiar with is tough (even if the familiar is crappy you know?)
Be safe -- remember that most abusive men (abusive I mean NO physical violence) do become violent physically when they realize you are leaving. Check out Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site. It will give you some great ideas on how not to get sucked back into the cycle.
Be safe and let us know how it goes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the sake of the kids (20 years). I finally had it when I really thought about what we were teaching the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly...you know what I taught my now 23 yr old D? To put up with it. She had been in a 4 yr relationship with a man so much like my H only worse. He is physically abusive to.

I finally got her to the domestic abuse center and filed ppo's on him. When I read what she had written for her reasons I was shocked and terribly upset. During one instance he choked her with his legs until she passed out! No wonder she did not want me to read it.

I now feel I have failed my girls. My younger D also has a similar boyfriend. He is insanely jealous and verbally abusive.

My family is proof of many theory's psychologists have.
Danneill

Hey Danneill,

I'm following you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is never too late to set a good example, it is never too late for your girls to learn from you, NEVER!!!

You hang tough, and I am going to be on your butt just to be sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I worried about what I taught my kids too. My son is living with the ex is a spitting image of his father. When he comes here on weekends (rarely now that he's 18 -- maybe once in the past 6 months)-- he's verbally abusive, ignorant to me, demanding and demeaning to anyone around him. No thanks.

My oldest is now out on her own. Without the constant belittling behaviour of her father, she's turned around. She comes over now and tells me how peaceful it is with me, as opposed to how volatile with her dad.

I had to ask myself -- What do I want my kids to remember? I didn't want them to remember all the fighting, the holes punched in the drywall, hearing him tell me how stupid or igorant I was. (Funny...for all those years I believed I was stupid -- that is until I graduated from the Dean's List -- yep.... I guess I'm not so stupid after all!)

BE an EXAMPLE. It's a powerful thing and believe me it does make a difference. I never thought that all those years of living with the abusive husband would ever be different. There is hope for change. It takes a looooooooooooong time, but you know, the kids didn't know anything different. Hell...it took me 20 years to finally leave him (he was abusive all along). I continued to make excuses for him, "He's stressed," "Oh forgive him he's really tired today," and basically doing everything in my power to *make* him happier. Thing is, nothing I could have EVER done would have made him happy. Now, when my kids ask why he isn't *nice*, I tell them that he's incapable of being nice, but they are capable of recognizing that and tell him that they don't have to put up with it.

Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.