Hi,

I've posted once before. I am seeking feedback on the following post.

Last night, after our 3rd MT visit, my wife says she wants separation leading to divorce. Our problem is squarely in the bedroom. I have not been getting my needs for recreational companionship and sex for most of the 16+ years of our marriage.

In the last few years, I went elsewhere - strip bars and porn sites for the sex. Going out with the guys to play cards, golf, tennis, etc.

Before I knew about this site (thank you Dr. Harvey!) I thought I could have a good marraige despite these needs, because I was taking care of myself. I obviously wasn't honest with my wife in our marraige about the sex part and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I followed the policy of radical honesty and told her outright about the strip bars.

I clearly wasn't meeting her needs which I think were conversation, admiration, and affection. The affection part was to get sex (which averaged about once per month for the last 10 years). I neglected her feelings and was reluctant to get into counseling when she first urged it about 9 months ago. She has been seeing a counselor off and on for the last 20 years - mostly related to childhood issues. I've seen a counselor once in the last 10 years to deal with my parents divorce (after 34 years of marraige).

We have 3 wonderful children, a beautiful 4 bedroom house and live in a 'Leave It To Beaver' type neighborhood. Life was bliss on the outside.

When our first child was turning 2 (12 years ago), we agreed that it made the most sense that I would be the bread winner and she would raise the kids. This was our MO for all 3 kids. In the beginning, I wasn't making enough at my job and in my field and had dreamed of starting a business. I did this around the time of our second child 11 years ago. The business has been very successful and is to this day. You probably can see where this is going.

The priorities for me were 1. the business, 2. the kids, 3. the marriage. It stayed that way and slowly the withdrawals outweighed the deposits and here we are with her love account that is severely in the red. My account is not - I still have a surplus and can give her huge deposits. I'm doing that but it is falling on deaf ears. She's "done" as she puts it.

She has her own issues to deal with and part of her personality is to shut people out entirely. That is what she's doing to me now. I am leaving the house this week, but she wants me to be around the house for the kids as much as possible. Essentially, everything but the bedroom. I am OK with that for now.

My hope now is that I can get good therapy and self understanding of my sexual issues and she can get good counsel on where her faults lie. The first is under my control, the second is not.

Down the road, I may want to confront her and her counselor about her facing the facts of where she wasn't meeting my emotional needs. I'm guessing that the relationship with her therapist is not optimal for our marraige but is working for her. It seems so unfair and I want to let it be known without coming across as a bad guy. I am definitely going to wait on this though until I can get my issues better resolved.

I wonder if my husband has been doing the same - getting his "needs" met elsewhere as we havent' had sex in a long time either. I once found cell records to another woman and stuff on the internet. How can a guy hide all of this, I wonder if it's happening again. We are the same, I dont' meet his needs, he doesnt' meet mine. If he tried to care, listen, give a damn maybe he'd have gotton some action. We used to have a good sex life. I dont' understand how it comes to this, and although I wont' "do it" anymore as I don't like my husband much I'd be steamed if he really was out at strip bars and such, I have my suspicions about his outings with "clients..." Ahhh, just venting. My marriage is likely over too. I just was interested in reading a male's point of view. I understand my husband would justify his cheating by saying I didn't meet his needs, he already has, saying he was "lonely" when I did see him flirting with women at public meetings, a public softball game, and found websites, one in particular was an escort service.... it was our first year of marriage. I stayed, I've never trusted him since. Some people can fix all of this, I guess I wasn't one of them.

Sex seems to be a very logical thing for women. Most women comment about cause and effect (you give me some attention/affection/conversation/... and I'll take care of you sexually). Men such as myself need to be reminded of that because if it's not discussed, and there's no sex, we'll just figure there may be other issues (she's pissed that the kids are always around, she's on medication, she's having issues at work, etc.). I never saw that her anger was toward me because she didn't know how to direct it toward me. This is why we failed.

Men do need to understand that doing this just to meet a need is a huge mistake. Having an open and honest relationship is what I think would help you - whether it's this time or next time around. The trust piece is something you will always have to deal with, but I think that is for self-protection. If you're both open and honest, it should get you through.

How would I remind my husband of that? The shrink said the same, in our society men just don't get it, that for women sex is a relationship, for men it's an act. So apparently he did go get his needs met elsewhere and I found evidence at least that he thought of it. We had a baby, my body went through hell, I felt fat and ugly plus I was exhausted from being up all night with a baby. My husband complained about no sex. He never bothered to take me out to eat, to make me feel special just nit picked at me on a daily basis after the baby and everything else I had going on. Yet he found time to go to ball games with his buddies. Honestly I'm so sick of this I'm on my way out. Of course on my way out my husband is so apologetic, wanting to try to work this out. Hey he even sat by me on the couch one night, before he'd go in the basement, drink and watch sports ignoring me and the baby. All of this made me "the wife" which I swore I'd never become, now that we have a baby it's the wife stuck at home with a baby while my husband continued doing exactly what he'd been doing before. The shrink said he likely thinks I'll have another baby (hell will freeze over) and thta I'll just move back home. I've been gone for three weeks mostly because I can't stand the man anymore. I was so young, spirited, traveled. He took that from me and trapped me at home, then wondered why I lost it and why I didn't want sex with him. Isnt' creating a daily relationship with your wife a given if you marry her? Apparently not for men... I've read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, it says we are to ask our husbands to listen to us as after they marry us they dont' even think they have to do that. Personally I'd rather be alone then being alone in a marriage. I'm sorry to vent here, its just that you said some things that reminded me of my husband. It made me wonder how much more he cheated on me then what I found - public flirtations with bimbos in front of me, websites with escort services (for pictures only of course), a singles site updated while he was married (I neglected him and made him do this), cell calls to his just a friend (he was lonely, my fault too)... How much of this was my fault when he could care less about treating me like I think a man should treat his wife, with respect, love, cherishing, caring, listening, etc. Ahhhhh, there's no answer and I'm sure I was in the wrong as well. Hindsight is 20-20 you know but you tell me how I'd trust this man again?