Hi- I'm new to the forum, and am badly in need of advice. I have been married for 12 years. I think I've fallen out of love with him entirely. Gradually for years more and more responsibilies has fallen on me until now it seems I am responsible for 100% of all the duties necessary to sustain life- from shopping to cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, doing banking and all other errands. At first, it seemed logical for me to handle more of these duties since I worked close to home and had shorter hours, but that has since changed, but the duty division has not. Making matters worse, about two years ago, I went on a diet, radically changed my diet and lost quite a bit of weight. My husband is not interested in changing his diet, so I seem to get stuck fixing two meals. I have tried talking to him about my concerns, and he shapes up for a while, but then slumps back to the same old way. To top it all off, he never seems satisified with all that I DO try to do. Hell, I'm not perfect, and I have no desire to be a SuperWoman, but I'm WEARY of doing it all. If this were the only problem we were having, then I guess I'd call myself a whiner, but there's more:

My husband has a drinking problem. Last summer he got very drunk and embarassed the hell out of me in front of our friends on one occassion, and on a second occassion, he refused to leave a social situation when I became very ill. These are just two examples of many similar occassions. He refuses to seek treatment, and says he can control his urges.

I feel like a maid, a servant, and an unappreciated designated driver. I don't feel as though I get any support from him in any way. I have no physical attraction to him, and he tells me its because I'm frigid.

I'm seriously been thinking about divorce, after all, if I have to do everything to take care of myself physically and emotionally, then why do I need to carry his dead weight too? One of the things holding me back so far is that when I took my vows, I really meant forever, but now I'm not so sure I have the energy or the motivation to continue.

Please tell me I'm not crazy.

You are definatly not crazy!!!! Marriage is about two people sharing a life together, which means sharing the responsiblity to. No one can tell you whether a divorce is the right path to take, only you can make that decision. I know how hard it is to consider the choice of breaking those vows but it sounds like many of them have already been broken. The vows of marriage is not just about staying together....that is only the begining. It is also about caring for each other and it does not sound like that is what is going on. A piece of advice someone gave me when I was considering divorce is to ask myself is there truely hope that things can change? If nothing does change is it worth it to me to spend the rest of my life living this way? It helped because I knew that when the answer to those questions was no...it was time to let go.
I know you face one of the hardest decisions of your life. But you are not alone...whatever happens others have gone before you and they have not just survivied but have overcome. Even if you decide that there is no hope for your marriage you must always hold onto that there is hope for you and your future.

What are you doing for YOU?

If your husband has a drinking problem, perhaps a group like Al-Anon or CoDA might help you deal with your contributions to and feelings about the relationship.

I think you have the cart before the horse. Perhaps the question should be, "How do I find a good counselor for myself and for my marriage?"