Someone smack me! Please!

I spent 1 1/2 hrs on phone with STBXW tonight.

We talked about everything from kids school to dating other people.

No matter what we talked about, there where some topics that brought me back to months ago and wanting to be there.

I thought I was getting to where I didn't care anymore but it still gets hard at times and I know that this isn't the way it is supposed to be.

I know it would be a bad place to go back to and I know that I have better things to look foward to but it's hard to forget about a half life of history.

Sorry for the edit but this just sucks!

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

I can relate. H and I keep having these long conversations that leave me feeling much the same way. I have to believe - for both of us - there's a reason. Maybe there are things we are still supposed to work out in our relationships even if they are not meant to last.

I don't think anyone needs to smack you for being a decent human being and having a reasonable conversation with someone you've spent so much of your life living with and loving. It's part of being a decent person.

Take care! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As I said on another thread, I volunteer to spank and crack the whip, but I will not smack you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I want to mildly correct you on one thing though, WIWH...there is no "the way it's supposed to be". You don't just get over wanting to be home or get over loving your ex, because at that time, there was a part of you that was completely theirs. For a while, I thought that in a certain amount of time I would stop loving my ex and stop missing what I had, but after a while I began to realize that I would NEVER stop loving my ex. When I was in my youth, I made a life with him and we had children together and we built a life and a business!! Even if we were no longer together, he was a part of my life and part of the woman that I have become.

So it's illogical to think that one day I will stop loving my ex. Part of me really, REALLY dislikes him and how he treated me...but another part of me will always think of him as the man who is my children's father. Plus, whilst I don't want to have back what I had before--I was treated like I was invaluable and unimportant--I do miss the ILLUSION of what I thought I had...the innocent trust, the naive belief that "we were special" and "it wouldn't happen to us", the feeling like we were a team and I had his back and he had mine. Of course, most of that wasn't TRUE, but thinking it was true was kind of comforting!

WIWH, I have been divorced now for about 1 1/2 years, dealing with the big PA for almost 6 years now...my ex was physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive...and every now and then, when the moon is blue and the wind is out of the southwest, I STILL miss him (sorta). It's just part of the journey, dude.


CJ

Deja Vu,

You're right, there are things to be worked ou and I don't think that they ever will be worked out.

It was more than having a decent conversation to me. I am as decent as a person as I can be and always will be but for some reason I got hit hard with alot of feelings that I haven't had in a long time.

CJ!

You got it! I don't know how you were able to explain me better than myself but you did.

I wish I could say you helped me feel better but you realy made me see the truth and it still sucks wether it's how I see it or how you describe it. and thats about as far as I can go with this right now.

WIWH

Wish, first off, I ditto everyone else.

Second, maybe you should consider limiting the length of your conversations with your wife until such time as she says she wants to reconcile. Or at least is willing ot work toward reconciliation.

You opened up and made an emotional connection. That reopened wounds. The pain is worth it when there's a possibility of reconciliation.

Strange, but everytime B and I have a big arguement, he feels an emotional connection with me. For him, "getting it off his chest" helps him feel close to me. Unfortunately, calling me selfish, a B., yelling at me, etc. doesn't make me feel emotionally connected. Figure out those sick dynamics!

GG,

Thats assuming that I would be inerested in reconcilliation. I don't think that she would ever be able to meet any En's that would make me willing to reconcile.

Just like CJ said. I don't want to have back what I had before.

WIWH and CJ,

You both totally sum up how I often feel about my own situation with STBXH. And though I have hoped that there'd come a time when I didn't think of him every day, or where there weren't so many things that triggered memories of "us", I understand that probably won't happen.

The pain will (hopefully) get less and less, but the thoughts, memories, and even illusions of what maybe could have been will always be there.

And WIWH, it does suck!

I had a very long conversation with STBXH at the end of September, the day he had to come sign the documents when I refinanced my house into my name. OW wasn't with him, and he and I stood by his Harley and talked almost an hour. He asked me for a hug. I left with all sorts of mixed up emotions. It was very hard.

However, my STBXH and OW have, as best I understand after yesterday's self-make fiasco, filed for a restraining order on me. So I have been essentially thrust into the Plan B that I never did initially.

I don't want back what I had. But it's hard to let go of the feelings for someone that go along with a 19-year marriage and 2 kids. Like CJ, I really dislike how he treated me when we were married and how he's treated me since this A started, but I will probably always love him.

LL

WIWH,
Riding the rollercoaster huh? You don't want her back, don't want back what you had, don't even want back what you thought you had. Still you get these feelings and yes it does suck. Sometimes I wish WXW would see the light and try to come back just so I would know that I was right. I don't want her or the fantasy I thought was her but I want her to try. Then I could say nope, no way. The feelings do suck but they get better over time. So I've been told.

WIWH,

I am sorry for the pain that you felt after your conversation with your x, but I understand it all too well.

I agree with CJ,GG,LL and everyone else it is amazing the pain that we go through with these spouses, and yet still feel the connection to them. The connection may not be a good one, but one none the less. I would also have to agree with those that stated that "I would not want what I had before". It was literally an illusion of some sorts as LL kind of pointed out.

It never ceases to amaze me that after all of the bad things that has happened during my M I sometimes miss him so much until it literally hurts, and everytime I look into our little ones eyes I could just scream. I am not even sure he realizes or feels the impact that this is going to have on our kids (toddlers).

WIWH - just know that you are not alone in your feelings and that just shows how much genuine love you had for your family and continue to have. It is not a bad trait just one that you will eventually have to simmer down when it comes to your X. I think someone said it on the other thread that they must feel the sting of their actions or something to the sort. She will eventually have to feel exactly what it will be like with you out of her life (not your DD's).

JT

Thanks all!

DeafJeff, I'm not so sure about the rollercoaster. Been there, this aint the same. It's more like the spinning tea cups. Always makes me feel sick but I go on them anyway!

I guess some of the things we talked about brought reality a little closer and other things just really bothered me. Like DD not doing so good in school for the classes that I was always there to help her with.Thinking of hocking jewelry that she can't wear because of the meaning behind it. Telling me that mediator said we can date other people if we want,I got a kick out of that. If I wanted to date, the mediator can't stop me anyway.

I guess it was just too much at one time with very little sleep.