Hello-
I havne't posted on the Divorce forum yet. I ave been lurking around the Emotinoal Needs section for a while. Feelings have been idling very high in the motor of our marraige. HOme has been stressful. I haven't been happy to se ehim when he gets home, and vice versa. We fight more than we do something nice, and it's all pointing to one outcome: divorce.
So, it was unanimous that we need to get divorced. WE decided on MOnday to do it. We've onlt been married 2 years, have only been together for 3 years, and have been friends for 14 years. I like that the whole of our relationship will only be the blink of an eye to me someday. I prefer not to waste the time forcing it to work, like my sister did. She and her husband have been together for 27 years and she says "We finally got to being where we're the best we'll ever be.... and it isn't enough."
OUch.
I'd hate to do all this work and 20 years from now realize that at the base level his best and my best aren't what either of us wants.
Anyway, so we decided on MOnday, and I talked about movingout. I'm in school and prefer to wait ntil the end of the semester. I also have a 10 year old from oprevious (he died).
Moving now means scrambling to find a place for us both right away.
I might be accepted to a program in another city 2 hours away, in which case, I"d move there anyway, even if we were together. I"d hate to move now, and move again in 2 months.
But my H doesnt' think I can be nice. He doesn't think we can be civil and for some reason that I can't explain, he wants us to be civil. MOre than that, he wants me to be civil.
Me, well, I think it could go either way. I think eventually we'd throw in the towel or arange our scehdules so they don't overlap, or cope for the time being somehow. Maybe we'd even become friends again? BUt the fighting isn't a big deal-- I'm used to feeling hurt and pain, and now that I klnow it's just until Chritmas, I think I can live with it. I'd rather not, but I"d rather do that than move out right now and move again in December.
Anyway, last night, we talked about it, how he never takes accountabiluty without mentioning that he only did what he did as a reaction to me, and vice versa. I just listend, mostly. He seemed to contradit himself a lot, but I got the idea that he thinks I can stay, but he's not going to put up with any meanness.

After we talked, I went upstairs becasue a friend of mine was waiting for me. He came up stairs too. In private, I thanked him for the talk and he touched me. I said "You don't ahve to touch me" and he said "Can I?" I allowed it. We hugged. I cried. He hasn't been affectionate to me for weeks.
Later, we had sex, and I was passionate, but he got up in the middle of the night and went to the guest room.

I went to him and got into bed and cuddled him.
The thing is: I don't know if we are still planning on getting divorced or not. Or if we are, if we should have sex-- ie, if I should have sex with him.
I like the affection and friendliness, but I felt kind of icky about it today, like I fell for a trap.
Help! Is it real?
Lucy

((((Lucy))))

That's a hard one (no pun intended) in my humble opinion. We continued to have sex for months and months after I knew we were divorcing and even after she moved out and the moment of pleasure that I experienced came at a high emotional cost for me. I was always left with a hollow feeling when the excitment was over. I, personally, do not have the ability to seperate emotions from the act, therefore after every occurance I was faced with the emotional rejection all over again. But like a lost puppy, I kept showing up for my next beating. So I think, overall for me, the continued physical interaction delayed my grieving, gave me many false hopes, and allowed me to mentally abuse myself beyond my grasp.

If I had to change one thing about the ending of that chapter of my life, it would of been to stop all physical relations when I knew it was over......

That and $.89 will get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds.......

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I agree with lost husband. It does set you up for the dissapointment from false hopes.

Becarefull not to think to much of his willingness to have sex.

I had a similar situation with STBXW and thinking back about it, I attribute it to the emotional connection that was built up during our talk. Discussions like that can bring out all kinds of emotions and acting on them is human.

Love is a strong emotion, making love(Having sex) is just a physical benefit of a deep emotional connection with someone.

If you can seperate the 2 then it's just sex

WIWH