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Joined: Jun 2000
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Physical attraction versus sexual attraction versus emotional attraction. I guess they are all rolled into one ball, and thats what they call chemistry. I miss my H sexually, no doubt about it. We never had problems in that area right up until he moved out. When I see him, I also see a very good looking guy that I am very attracted to, in fact, I measure other men's looks by my H. Big mistake. He is a youthful 40 year old, no signs of aging, great shape, could be a GQ model. I am older, and not even attracted to most normal looking men my H's age, who generally look about 10 years older than him, not to mention men my own age, who look downright ancient to me. For 16 years I have been identifying with a physical standard that is 15 years younger and looks 20 years younger than me. How am I going to be attracted to a normal man?

I have to start looking at my H and focusing on his emotional detachment, ability to hurt me, to abandon me and the kids, cold hearted reaction to my pain, inability to acknowledge that the kids have pain but are not showing it. He is not a pretty person on the inside, thats for sure, and I need to concentrate on those negatives when I find myself attracted to his appearance and sexuality. Staying away from him as much as possible is whats best for me, as he is always affectionate and warm, (except after our financial mediation where he turned into to a vicious verbal attacker - imagine that!)

As we get deeper into the mediation and unavoidable disagreements, I think his ugly side will show much more, and this should help me distance myself. Sad to say that I want things to get ugly for this reason, but I think they are going to get ugly anyway, since he is adamant about no support/maitenance for me above child support, even though he makes 4 times more than I do. Anyway, I have been musing on the pain of missing him, versus being in love with him, and what that love is and how to get over it. Alot of what we shared has been flawed due to his selfishness, mean spirit, justification of the A and his hurting me, and general lack of empathy. I need to realize that what I miss is mostly the image of what we had, rather than the reality. Rejection fog - see my other post.

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I remember missing my husband. I would cry and cry and cry. After much counselling and the good people here at MB -- what I realized I WAS missing was what I didn't have. I didn't have the marraige that I should have had right from the get go. I was mourning what I should have had. When I really sat down and thought about it, it wasn't the sex, the physical attraction (he was a blonde Tom Cruise) or the emotional attraction.

I remember my sis gave me sage advice and told me to journal throughout all of this. I look back and realize there is so much that I forgot. She calls it "selective amnesia". I kept a list of what I never wanted to forget about our relationship to remind me. When I get in those "I miss him" blues, I remind myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How am I going to be attracted to a normal man?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Define normal. I found out in time that what I did have was anything but "normal". What I was mourning is what I really wanted in a realtionship, but never had. It doesn't matter how pretty the wrapping is on the outside, it's what's on the inside that matters the most.

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This is great advice. Its hard when you have a "pretty package". For years I have been looking at my very handsome younger husband, and feeling "yep, he is the father of my children, my husband, my partner. I am very lucky. But in the end, its loyalty, honesty and real integrity in terms of how you live your life that are important. What good is a hottie, husband or wife, that you can't count on? I always thought that we had what counted, on the inside, but in the end, and this IS the end, it didn't matter. Yes, he loves his kids, yes, he really does love me, but his own desire for physical appearances is what he ultimately chose.

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Hi Everhopeful,

I am so sorry. I empathize with you. My husband has been gone a week. It hurts that I miss him and he seems to have no feelings for me like that. He had been planning his move about a month. He is two years younger than me. He looks younger than me. I am attracted to him and hurting. I am so sorry for your pain. But let me tell you, you can have chemistry with ugly men too. I have been attracted to men I thought were ugly before. Only problem, you can't trust the ugly men either. Sorry. I think trust is the most important thing. Can you establish trust and friendship with a man first. I understand what you are feeling though. I hope it gets better for you.

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I'm in almost the same boat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Divorce papers have been served and I know D's the right thing. Deep down I'm happier living without him.

But I'm still so attracted to him. I too compare other men to my WH and no one my age seems attractive.

It's strange because before I met him (30 years ago) I had no problem getting over ex-boyfriends. In fact my mother warned WH early on to be careful because I'd lose interest quickly. Well that never happened with him. There's some sort of connection that's deeper than physical and physical as well -- despite all the hurt he has and is causing me and my daughter.

I don't want to get back together with him, it would never work. But I need to get OVER him. Maybe this thread will help those of us with this problem. Maybe someone will read this who has been in our shoes and can tell us what worked for them.

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I'm right there with you all. While some might not consider my STBXH good-looking, I always found him attractive. And while he is NOT a GQ model nor in great physical shape, I STILL find him attractive. He's large-boned and works a physical job with his arms, so always felt strong when he put his arms around me. He doesn't look to me like he's going to be 40 next March.

So, I look at other men (not to be dating them yet, mind you, because I'm still not "officially" single) and I see very little that I'm attracted to.

And like someone else mentioned, I think I'm longing for what should have been. If I think about my marriage, there were many, many times especially during his periods of heavy drinking when I thought "I can't take this behavior from him much longer." But I'd always tell myself, it could be worse. And that was true--it got worse last year when he left me for a woman 13 years my junior.

He's not all about looks--he doesn't spend hours in front of the mirror (though he has become more so since he met her...he has new tat's and a double piercing in his ears and his hair is now tipped blonde). But he IS all about himself. He's selfish. My family, although they love him, has said that for years. My friends. Therapists who have worked with him and with us. "Selfish and emotionally stunted" was what the last IC said.

I don't want back what I had. But I guess I'm still having problems letting go of the hope that maybe I could still have what I wanted so badly to have with him. Why I can't totally let go, I don't know. He's living with OW and she's talking marriage. That will clinch it. But still, I long...

And I'm a little more blue than normal right now because the final decree is in STBXH's hand and as soon as it's signed and notarized, our DV can be final. Right now, it's looking like next Wednesday.

4 days--and a 19 year marriage (and 4-years of dating before that) will be blown to bits... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know how you all feel.

LL

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> I'm right there with you all. While some might not consider my STBXH good-looking, I always found him attractive.

So, I look at other men (not to be dating them yet, mind you, because I'm still not "officially" single) and I see very little that I'm attracted to.

And like someone else mentioned, I think I'm longing for what should have been.

4 days--and a 19 year marriage (and 4-years of dating before that) will be blown to bits... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this could be my story too - I too think my H is good looking, and doesn't look his age. I too haven't seen anyone as good looking and I have also been looking (doing research, you know - not for real yet.)

Also my M was 19 years - we had talked about going somewhere special in June for the 20th - now that's off the table.

My realtors say there is an epidemic out there - I had thought so too, but figured I'm just hyperfocused on it right now. But they are seeing lots of men leaving wives, often for reasons unknown. Suddenly people like me are making up a large part of their business. I also had found myself in competition with other divorcing people when I was looking at rental properties.

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How long does the missing go on? Sometimes it is as if I wake up from a foggy dream and look outside the window, from a different house, iwth a different view, adn I realize I AM ALONE. I remember early on in our relationship saying "we already have so many memories". I was so excited that we seemed to have so many great and memorable days. He loved me like an addiction. That, I suppose was the underlying problem. An addict in love, substituting something for something. But, God I miss him. I miss his strong hands, I miss the laughs, the smiles. I feel so lonely. ss

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It's funny,

For some reason I see STBX to be less attractive almost everytime I see her.

I suppose that's not nice to say but perhaps I was just blinded by love! Or I'm blinded now by the resentment and pain she caused!

Sidways Sally, It's been a while, How are you?

WIWH

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WIWH is the only man to have posted on this subject, and is the only one that doesn't find his X still attractive. Is it just a coincidence or does it say something about men and women viewing their WS's differently?

I'm also wondering why our love banks aren't so empty that we should be over our WH's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WIWH is the only man to have posted on this subject, and is the only one that doesn't find his X still attractive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't say I don't find her attractive. Just less attractive.

I've also been thinking about this! Being M'ed for so long I don't think I ever really paid close attention to how attractive other women can be. Their expressions, their smiles, their eyes. I aslo think that seeing how pleasant other women can be is a big thing that makes W less attractive.

She doesn't smile and she is often quite cold and bitter.

Looks aren't everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WIWH

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:

<strong> I've also been thinking about this! Being M'ed for so long I don't think I ever really paid close attention to how attractive other women can be. Their expressions, their smiles, their eyes. I aslo think that seeing how pleasant other women can be is a big thing that makes W less attractive.

She doesn't smile and she is often quite cold and bitter.

Looks aren't everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WIWH </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks WIWH. That's the type of comment I was hoping someone would post. It seems like a simple thing but maybe paying more attention to the inner attractiveness of other people will make WH less desirable.

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Hi. New here. Everhopeful's post hit home so much. That is exactly how I see my H. Sorry, I am not familiar with all the abbreviations yet.
My H is very attractive. Which he is aware of and uses to his advantage. Yes, I am older than he. I too am overwhelmed by his looks and he knows that. It seems very hard for me to get past it.
I will post my whole story on a new post, do not want to jump in right here with it all. But, I felt like replying to this because it is how I feel also, darn it.

More later, Tex


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