The jist....
18 months ago I found out my wife was having an A with another married man while she was in Iraq. I confronted her and she lied. She lied untill I showed her the emails I found. We spent thousands of hours in counseling and she continued to lie about things. We fought everyday for a year, on two occassions it came down to pushing and shoveing. I of course lost my mind at the idea and nightmares I would have of this other guy, who was a friend of mine, having sex with my wife.

You all know the feelings in the gut and the headaches to boot so I will spare you that part.

I knew I had to leave because though I thought in the begining I could get over an A, I knew I could never get over lying. I left this summer.

I spent the summer back in Illinois and it was just hellishly lonely. I had called a few times and she always was out untill the wee hours of the morning and I knew what she was up to. She found a new circle of friends and I found out the other day that she was seeing someone the week after I left.

I moved back to our house, because I am goign to be keeping it after the divorce and sometimes it bothers me to know that the new guy was in my bedroom with my wife. I mean, we arent even divorced yet.

I guess its very hard for me because everyone tells me that I put off a vibe of hate and anger. Well no ****, my wife was cheating on me, lied to me, and made me totally confused about my own feelings. I lost everything. In hindsight, I wish I would have turned her into the military when I had the chance.

So, now almost 5 months later, W and the new guy are off on some romantic getaway. This isnt the guy she was having an affair with 18 months ago by the way. She seems so happy, just got a promotion and all is good for her.

I know I need to learn to be happy alone before I can be happy with anyone again but this alone stuff just sucks. I miss having my wife by my side so I could hold her at night and now its just me and the frickin cat!

It comes down to jealousy. Everything just works out for her. Shes always so go lucky happy and Im just frickin miserable. To boot, I keep getting shot down everytime I meet someone. Im starting to feel like a real loser.

I know Im a good guy, though I lost my mind after the affair with my wife, but no matter what it seems I am looked upon as damaged goods. I never cheated and thought that if I was doing the right thing she would be too. I know Im not ready for a relationship but it sure would be nice to feel good about something again.

I just want to feel attractive again, feel loved and wanted. Instead I feel like some freak.

So, I am refraining from being a jerk when I have to speak to her but it isnt easy. There is alot of hate coming from me towards her, especially since she just moves right along and doesnt miss a beat.

One thing I did learn from all of this is that you cant make people understand how you feel or what they did is wrong. Hell, she even told me the other day "It happened over a year ago, get over it already".

I dont know waht to say to that except F*&K You, and that doesnt really help either. Some people get over there spouse having an A better than others.

So, the A was 16-18 months ago, I left her this summer. Does anyone else still feel like crap 18 months after there W has an A? If not, how did you move on? How did you recover your confidence? How did you lose the hate for your W and the OM, who was your friend?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, the A was 16-18 months ago, I left her this summer. Does anyone else still feel like crap 18 months after there W has an A? If not, how did you move on? How did you recover your confidence? How did you lose the hate for your W and the OM, who was your friend? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Five years after...I *still* feel like crap somedays <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But those days are few and far between -- except when there's a reminder of "him" that is too big to ignore.

You move on by taking time. Time is the magic answer. As for recovering their confidence, that too takes time. It's pretty hard to feel good about yourself when someone you love chooses to be with another. Confidence is what YOU make of it though. Take things that you are interested in and build on those things. Work on the things that you are good in, then start to tackle things that you have a bit more trouble with (notice I didn't mention asking anyone out, orhaving dinner with someone). By "things" I mean skills that you have (building a fence, learning how to weld, take a cooking class, learn how to iron). Those things help you develop confidence. As you build your confidence, you start trying bigger things, and as you tackle those, you build even more confidence (it can also be called self-esteem). Read up on self-esteem and confidence. Take a class where others are learning a new thing too (and you get to meet some new friends)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did you lose the hate for your W and the OM, who was your friend? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">T - I - M - E . It's not easy to forgive, and that doesn't mean you have to forgive right now, right this instant, but I know that having hate for another is like a festering wound. Don't give THEM that power. Every time you allow someone else to control your emotions, you give this invisible power. Every time there is a hurt remark, do you think that she's itching to come back to you? I can pretty much predict that when you are angry and stomping around she's the one saying "See! That's exactly why I left him!"

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. There is no other pain like it in the world. There is no one in the world that can relate to the pain unless they went through it themselves. I know it hurts and I know the feeling of the hatred -- but I have learned in T-I-M-E (how I hated hearing someone tell me that!) the feelings of hatred and feeling like a loser do go away. In T-I-M-E, you begin to feel like a winner and that you are a wonderful person and there are some pretty terrific qualities about you. KNOW that it WILL happen -- you will make it through this.

lost1978...
I just wanted to let you know that what she did was wrong. I don't know the reasons, or why, but it has happened and it sucks.Take it one day at a time. Some days that might even mean one hour at a time -- but you will get through this.

Thank you for the advice. My friend at work went through the same thing about 3 years ago and he has been saying alot of similar things. I will try and implement your suggestions. Thank you.