Okay, this might seem odd coming from a stranger (new member, recent lurker), especially given some of the background bits here.

I've been married for 10 years last August. They haven't all been easy, sometimes they feel like they went by quickly, sometimes they feel like they stretched out. But that's a given, I figure. However, for the past couple of years, we've been having problems. Neither of us have had an affair. I started getting involved in an emotional affair 7 years ago, and stopped it when I saw what was happening. That's kind of jumping the gun, so let me drop back just a bit.

When my W and I first met, I wasn't interested in a relationship. I had been in a bad relationship previously and really wasn't looking for one. We met because she was a co-worker of one of my friends. Well, she began asking me out. I kept refusing, just wanting to be friends. This went on for several months. She started dating others, and I thought everything was good, we could be friends. She went out with another fellow and he slipped her a drug, then raped her that night. This was obviously a tough situation for her, and I was there to support her as a friend.

Months later, she asked me out again. Out of a sense of guilt and obligation, I started dating her. We were friends, and I always thought that was what made relationships work. I felt that if I had dated her before, this wouldn't have happened. I also knew I could prevent it from happening again. A year later, we are getting married and moving to another state (due to employment).

We only had each other when we moved, being 8 hours away from the closest family. So we relied on each other a lot. Sex was good. All told, things were going fairly well. We didn't really have a bad 1st year like some folks. Our bad year came in 2 and 3, when some neglect started on both sides. I was finding emotional support in someone else, then realized what was happening and stopped it. Things got better for a while.

Jump forward 6 years and you have us a year ago. Over the years, sex became less and less prevalent, by my choice. I had resentment building. Not because it was her fault for the marriage and relationship, but because of the way I felt browbeaten into it. Yes, it was a joint decision. Logically, I shouldn't be resentful, but I am.

There were many times over the past several years where I wasn't interested in sex, but felt obligated. I developed an aversion to it. More accurately, I developed an aversion to sex with her. I haven't had sex with anyone else since we started dating. It is a struggle to get aroused for her, and requires thoughts of other women. Part of this goes back to a time when I wasn't feeling well, and she guilted me into having sex, even though I wasn't well. That seemed to be the turning off point for me, I cannot stop remembering that night even though it is about 2-3 years ago. I realize here, that this is my problem. When the subject ever came up, I just said I didn't have the urges anymore. Not exactly lying, but trying not to hurt her feelings. She has had self-esteem issues since before we met.

(Sorry for the rambling folks, I'm just trying to get these thoughts down.)

So lately, she's noticed that I've been distancing myself. I am unhappy in life. I sometimes wonder whether suicide is the option I should take. I have a nice insurance policy (suicide is covered given the number of years I've had it). It would get her out of debt and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. But then I get resentful that I feel like that is the solution. I've gotten to a point in life where I go to work so I can come home and numb my brain with TV or video games, so I can go to sleep and get up for work. Rinse and repeat. The best way I can put it, I'm just living to die right now. I don't believe I will kill myself, but sometimes it is hard to fight the easy route.

So we've been talking lately, and I've told her the issues of resentment. I've said that I'm not sure if we should be married, and I would rather leave the marriage now while we are still friends, rather than having it damaged by trying to keep it going. I know neither of us is fulfilled by the marriage and even said so. It took her a day, then she admitted it. Neither of us are happy, but she wants to try to make it work. I'm just not sure. Saturday night, she said she thinks I've already given up on us. I admitted that part of me has, and I'm not sure if the part that hasn't is just feeling obligation for 10 years or what. I honestly don't know. I love her and care for her, but I'm not in love with her anymore. I always laughed when I heard that on Jerry Springer, but I understand it now.

I agreed to go to a counselor. We've got an appointment on the 17th. She thinks the counselor will help us express issues. I'm concerned that issues that get expressed will hurt her feelings, but bottling them up is part of what has put me where I am.

Now, for the topper to everything. I was raised a Christian. My father just recently retired as a minister. When we got married, I considered myself a good Christian. Over the years of marriage, I have given up on Christianity. I never felt God talk to me, and finally admitted it to myself. So I haven't been to church in years. My religious stance is difficult to state. I don't rule out the existence of God, I just have stopped looking for him. Yes, it's odd I come to a Christian site with my problems, but the people here do seem to care and actually want to help.

My wife was raised in church as well, but has always been of the belief that all religions are true. She's recently started studying an ancient religion and has taken up their beliefs. This is fine by me, as it is her choice.

I'm not really sure what my point here was, whether I'm asking for help or what. I was physically hurting Sunday afternoon thinking about the whole situation. My chest just ached, and I really just don't know what to do and where to go. I'm torn on even trying to continue the marriage or just trying to move on with our lives.

Essentially, I'm just confused. Sorry this was so long.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: 3E ]</small>

I don't have a lot of time, but thought I drop a line to say welcome. While this site is primarily christian, there are others here as well. Most here find some sort of spiritual life helps the healing.

Anyway, read the concepts if you haven't. Don't go to the counselor just to "air issues." That alone does no good. In fact, if the issues get aired and nothing changes, you'll both feel MORE resentment. Go to the counselor to RESOLVE the issues.

Here's the hard part: You both have to be willing to change how you behave. You may have to stop doing some things you like. On the other hand, you have a chance at having the marriage you dreamed of long ago.

Are there any children? How old are you? Is this first marriage for both of you?

This is the first marriage for both of us. I'm 33, she is 36. No children, not possible to have children.

so, 3E, what do you want to do? What do you think you ought to do? What are your thoughts now?

And how do you want us to help?

I can tell you one thing. I did Plan A for two years to draw my h. out of withdrawal. Plan A worked! My h. was in love with me.

Unfortunately, since H. did nothing to meet my needs and continued to make little and big withdrawals, I fell out of love with HIM.

I couldn't make myself feel "in love" with him, although by demonstrating care I could make him "feel in love" with me again. What a sad irony. Plan A worked, but my marriage failed. (Many will tell you it's because I didn't do Plan B early enough.)

I tell you this to let you know, if your wife wants to, she can change her behavior and create the conditions in which you can easily fall back in love with her.

So, do you want to risk it?
Do you think you should risk it?

3E,

You sound like my STBXW. I hope you don't take that the wrong way, but she also said many things to me about resentment of feeling pressured to be married. Funny thing is, the pressure didn't come from me but the resentment was focussed on me.

My STBX also was unsure if she could continue trying or if she should just give it up.

Well she gave it up and I still know that it could have worked out great for us had we the advantage of knowing what we needed before it was to late.

As Green Gables said, your wife can change and you can be "In Love" with her again. It takes work and the right tools to get it done are here.

MC is very important. Also ther are good and bad MC's there are different kinds of methods.Don't be afraid to chose to change MC if you don't like their methods. I spent 1 night a week for a few months going through STBXW's childhood. We didn't even get to her age that we met before she had enough and made up her mind.

Make sure you have a MC that is focussed on now and the future and not the past.

Bring your W here to MB and share what you found here with her.

If it is in the 2 of you, you can find it again here together but you both have to be willing to work at it together.

Good luck to both of you

WIWH

I appreciate the responses.

One of the most difficult parts of this equation is whether I want to continue the relationship. In my heart and mind, I've felt the marriage ended over a year ago. I've only recently become able to say that out loud.

The part of me that wants to continue the relationship is the part that says "You made a commitment. You keep commitments you make." Like I said, I love her. I just don't want to love her as a mate any longer. I value her as a friend, and that is what I'm afraid will be lost in all of this. That was also my greatest reservation against dating in the first place, the loss of a great friendship.

I don't know if others feel this way, but it is really helping to actually get these things written down so I can read them later. The added benefit of input from others (not necessarily objective, but others who aren't involved in my life) really helps too.

I thank you folks for being around.

Is the reason you want to leave because you want to find someone you can have children with? Is that why you are resentful?