Hey all, I'd really like some in put.
It's been a week since we decided to get divorced. I'm still "at home"-- which is his house, and I thought he was going to kick me out, but he said I can stay if I'm nice to him-- said he won't tolerate me being mean to him.

We've been having sex. It was good the first time, and has been OK since, but I'm already back to being not interested. We had sex the other day and it hurt for some reason (like my cervix was very low-- I hope that doesn't make me sound like an alien). It was obvious that it hurt, and later, he didn't ask me if I was Ok, or say he's sorry, anything.

He says part of our problem is that I always see and assume the worst about him.
Can I ask you all--- does this sound like I am seeing the worst here?
Does it sound like I have him made out to be a jerk?

He does have many good traits. He's a hard, reliable worker, and breadwinner in our family. He's not a natural father figure, but he's been trying and has improved. He's also gotten his temper under control and has totally quit drinking on his own. He's smart, he's a natural athlete, good looking, is sometimes the life of the party (sometimes to my distaste and/or embarassment, but I laugh and accept it as part of who he is, and would never want to change it.)
He's also seen me at my worst and although he became violent towards me before, he's come to on that, and I beleive will not be violent again. He's seen me at my worst, has shown me his worst, and now we are getting divorced (or so it seems) and he wants us to show each other what we're like when we're not at our worst.
I guess this is a nice thing, and I can be glad for it later. I am glad to be living here and not moving mid-semester. I'm also glad we are getting along for my son's sake.
But my pride is having trouble sucking up tto doing this-- not because it isn't what I want, but because it's his way, and I was really controlled by him before.
I don't know.... but I can't say no to sex with him because I feel I know what will happen. he'll get all mad and take it personally. (if he heard me say that, he'd think it's just my negative outlook on him seeing the worst, once again.) Then I'll be mad, and will end up not being nice.
At which point, he can say "I said I wouldn't tolerate you being mean. Move out"
Can you see how I feel trapped? Is it too much for me to make the leap to say that he's trapped me into it?
I either do it, or I move out?
Even if it isn't a direct or intentional manipulation, is it right that I feel trapped like this?

Or am I just too negative and only seeing the bad stuff? I don't know my own mind anymore.
Lucy

It's been a week since we decided to get divorced.

We've been having sex.
??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Chris, GOod point.
Well, we had a good talk and it made, in harley's languge, big depostis to my emotional needs account. We were affectionate afterwards, and it felt natural to connect through sex that first time.
Hope that clarifies it for you.
Now, I feel like I have to!
I guess I either do, or I move out? Is that what you're saying?
Are you agreeing that I am trapped? Or...?

Please throw me a bone-- I don't want to move mid semester, but I can't stomach any more sex with him (unless I feel there's a connection).
THank you,
Lucy

Well, we had a good talk and it made, in harley's languge, big depostis to my emotional needs account. We were affectionate afterwards, and it felt natural to connect through sex that first time.
Hope that clarifies it for you.
Not really. My point is that you both made the decision to divorce and you are going to get a divorce, why are you having sex?
You should not be coincerned with filling or receiving emotional needs from each other.

If you are not sure about a divorce, then tell him you are not sure about a divorce and don't get a divorce until you are sure about it.

Moving out would be difficult I understand. But if you are going to divorce, and you cannot move yet, then you need to set some very firm boundaries that BOTH of you need to stick to. And you need to do what is possible to get your own place.

OK-- so you you make a good albeit menacing question. If we are getting divorced, why are wee looking to meet each other's needs?
Well, we aren't. I am not.
But he did, and it felt nice, and sex felt like a viable thing to do.
Yes, we need boundaries. I cannot continue to have sex, even if my needs are being met, because it blurs my feelings on divorce.
But, how can I tell him that and #1 not have him take it as rejection he'll react retallitory to, or #2 make it so that he understand it's not me being mean, it's me taking care of what I need to?
That is my question here.
I feel trapped because of how retalitory he's been in the past when I've nicely told him what I need or what I can/can't do. He always takes things personally and makes mountains out of mole hills.
To say we need to agree to some boundaries, yes, I can see that, but how can I get him to agree to no sex because we are getting divorced?
He says he wants us to be friends.... but having sex is bluring the lines of friendship as I see it.
Thanks for your help,
Lucy

so you you make a good albeit menacing question.
If it was easy, you wouldn’t be here asking for some help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Before you go any further, you need to do some deep soul searching within yourself.
You need to decide if you want to divorce or not. Then you need to decide why you made this decision.

But, how can I tell him that and #1 not have him take it as rejection he'll react retallitory to, or #2 make it so that he understand it's not me being mean, it's me taking care of what I need to?
You tell him, “we are not in love and we are getting divorced, therefore we will not have sex.”

but how can I get him to agree to no sex because we are getting divorced?
Simple, You tell him no.
You don’t need to be mean or angry about it.
Mkae sure you do NOT get into any situations where it can happen. Don’t sit next to him, don’t get into deep conversations and don’t get “close”.

He says he wants us to be friends.... but having sex is bluring the lines of friendship as I see it.
Absolutely it is. So stop blurring the lines.
Friends don’t have sex, lovers do.
Which are you?

Well, I guess sexual fulfillment has been one of both of our primary needs. I wouldn't say it's first for me, but it's second, or third. So, I suppose we are used to being lovers, used to expressing closeness and good feelings that way. There have been times in the past when it's been the only language we could communicate in.
But, alas, I found a washcloth and lotion next to the guest room bed today...! LOL
Makes me laugh, actually.
I like the idea of telling him what we are, and what we are not. We are not in love, we are friends now. We are getting a divorce, but are living amicably until I move out. We can be nice, but we cannot touch. We are not lovers, we are friends.
Thank you. I think I feel a little clarity coming on.
Saying we are "friends" still feels like abit of a stretch to me, but I suppose it's a good thing to hope for attaining eventually.
Lucy