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Joined: Jun 2000
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Many of you know my story. H planned to move out and eventually move in with OW. We consulted books and a counselor to determine the best way to tell the kids, timing etc.

OW forced the issue and she and my H moved in very suddenly together, about a month ago. I had to tell the kids on my own. H immediately wanted a 50/50 split shared time in each home, I said wait 6 months to introduce OW. We mediated a compromise - the child psychologist said H jumped the gun and should not have even been talking about OW to the kids yet, so soon after the sudden separation. The compromise is that H has rented an apartment nearby, where he will stay overnight with the kids 2 nights a week, making it look like he is living there temporarily. Rest of the nights he is with OW at their place.
This is to go on for 3 months, during which time H can gradually introduce OW into the picture but with no overnights. Then the kids can move in with them part time.

H has not done much to make the apt. look appealing or homey to the kids. A bed, a sofa sleeper, a TV - thats it. The kids hate it, he hates it, and is blaming me for this situation.
He and OW are only doing this to appease me, he says, dispite the fact that the mediator told him this is what is best for the kids. "I think I know my own kids and they would be fine moving right in with OW & me. " The counselor, who has met with the kids, says they have not even begun to come to grips with this situation, are holding it all in for fear of upsetting the dad they don't see enough anyway.

So he has only done a half baked job with this apt, and says the kids and he are forced to live in a dump to appease me. Of course, it also means he has to spend 2 nights a week away from OW, which he doesn't like, and I am sure she is very verbal about whining about the situation, and again, blaming it all on me.

Of course I want what is best for the kids. I don't want them to be miserable in this temporary situation. On the other hand, I don't think plunging them prematurely into living half the time with H & OW is healthy either, and either do the child psycholgist, my counselor and my attorney. H says he knows his kids and they will be fine, but I think he may be thinking more about what is inconveniencing him and OW. What I fear is that H will make this apartment compromise so unpleasant for the kids, that he will not only blame me (which he does already) but will get the kids to say they want to live with daddy in the nicer home he rents with OW, where they will have their own bedrooms etc.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place here.
The breakup of our family and losing my H to OW is killing me, but the kids are my first priorty, and H seems to be twisting this situation around to his own advantage. Any thoughts?

Joined: Mar 2002
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Have you Plan B'ed him? I think you need to go dark, not speak to or have anything to do with your STBXH. If he doesn't like something, tough. Tell it to someone else.

All I can think of at this point in reference to him is SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!

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Can't go dark with too many parenting and financial issues to work out. Wish I could, I'd be much better off not seeing or talking to him, thats for sure!

Joined: Mar 2002
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Ever,

What a whiner your husband is...sheesh!

You have it on the authority of independent PROFESSIONALS that the apartment situation is what is BEST for your children.

Your H, once again is acting in HIS selfish interests, once again disregarding what's best for his children. Also I don't think you're helping your children by protecting them from the cold/harshness of your husband's apartment. Sort of a reflection of him don't you think?

Much as it is so very normal for you to protect your children at all costs, even from the continued selfishness of your husband, I personally think it's in their best interests to face the reality of the entire situation. By you cushioning their experience doesn't do them any good. It's one of those counter-intuitive issues.

Of course your husband blames you. To me it's a side benefit for you that he has to spend a couple of night's away from OW. Natural consequence for him. A bonus to think it probably irritates OW as well.

This is REALITY! Hold your ground and be ready for more grief. I don't think you will have heard the end of this. Your h's selfishness will probably take this to a further extreme.

Hang tough, you're paying these professionals to look after the best interest of your children; don't squander their advice!

By the way, I think you're handling all this so very well. I can't wait to read a post from you at sometime in the future that you have a new happy life; better than what you've had in the past. Blessings, CSue


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