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Joined: Jun 2000
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What truly amazes me about the last few weeks as my H defected to OW and left me and the kids, is how my husband is now completely partners with OW, and I am now the adversary. 16 year relationship, 14 year marriage, two wonderful kids, getting along great to the bitter end, great sex, good times, genuine affection and caring. Many, many heart to heart talks about how to do this right for the kids, how he wanted to negotiate a fair settlement. "I want you and the kids to stay in the house" "we will have joint custody of the cabin" (just purchased)

Now that H has moved in with OW - its as if his mind has been poisoned. She seems to have a terrific talent for inflaming any issues against me, making me look like the greedy, evil ex wife,
in short, turning my H almost completely against me at every step of the way. She (and my H admits it) is VERY manipulative, very smart, very cunning, and is controlling my H's attitude like a drug. The H that loved me and treated me for the most part with affection, is now acting like a total stranger, a stranger that dislikes me just because I happen to be his STBXW of 14 years, and the mother of our children. And believe me, I spent 14 years trying to make him happy, and enjoyed it. Its so scary to see him turn completely around and be so under her influence. Whats even more scary is that my kids will soon be exposed to her, she will become part of their lives as daddy's live in girlfriend.

What did I do to deserve this? Just got to grin and bear it, keep focusing on my future and look out for my kids. At least he is not a stranger to them.

Joined: Oct 2004
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Hey, sorry you are going through this, it sounds like it sucks.
You don't deserve it. It's not about you. He had an affair and while that might be a red flag that he wasn't happy in the marriage, you are not in control of his happiness.
I think the kicker here is he's trying to stick to his choice and be loyal to the new woman in his life. She probably has a truckload of insecurities and part of her might not have expected him to leave his wife and kids "for her"-- the power, it sounds, has gone straight to her head.
But I excpect things will simmer down after a bit. B Ut I'd expect him to become pretty depressed over this sometime soon.
My son's dad left me for the other woman, and I knew it was going to be a mistake, but I had to let him make it becasue who am I to say what he shouold do?
So, he actually married her, and 8 months later, well, sad to say... he lost the battle with the blues, and the new guilt over ruining a fine family unit most likely exacerbated his depression.
We had been happy and really we had more going for us than against us, in the big scheme of things, but he was depressed anyway... and the OW told him exactly what he needed to hear.
I think that OW need to wise up-- leaving a wife and kids, ending a family, is not something the 19 year old he left me for appreciated the full magnitude of I'm sure.
I dunno about the OW in your picture. But I"ve been where youa re and asked myself the same questions. Your husband wasn't happy-- it had notjing to do with you.
In my opinon, of course.
And your kids certainly didn't deserve it... maybe what he has with her at I thought is true love the one she's the one he's meant to be with-- in a fairly tale sort of way-- and nothing could keep them apart?
I used to tell my X that I hoped for his sake that that was the case, but I had the feeling it wasn't.
I'm sorry, I'm not more familiar with your story, but Have you read anything Harley has to say about affairs? They are usually mistakes, and only happen because the OW/OM is able to tell the cheater exactly what they want to hear to meet their EN. they think the OW/OM is the most caring and compassionate person they've ever met. But reality sets in.... and regret, I bet too.
In your case, it sounds like that will happen.
Will you be there for him as his friend when and if it does?
Just curious.
Lucy

Joined: May 2000
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I thought my lousy, rotten, blood-sucking, scum of the earth x was the only one who had morphed into some mutant creature from the planet farthest from kindness.

He knows how to be a master manipulator and I am going to have to get a game face and fight back. I hate feeling this way.

What happened to those people we married? Are the body snatchers real?

Not only is he still sort of in a fog but my teenaged daughter is in her own fog and wants to go live with the man and his wife. GGGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

(I hate feeling this way but I think I've been nice waaaaaaaay too long.)

((Sorry to have ranted so uncontrollably.))

You are not alone.

Joined: Apr 2001
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I have to agree that my x is a totally different person now then he ever was, how did he get that way? HER

She is the one that rules the roost and they only do what she wants.

They went to FL for a couple of weeks, both their parents live there now and he only spent a day with his parents and she did not go. His mom called me and all I could say was that he's not the person that we knew and loved.

Affairs change people and I don't see any of it being for the best. And the sad part is that they are probably not any happier, the happiness and bliss that they thought were going to be there vanished in the fog! That darn fog!!!

Anyways, wanted you to know that x's change. Mine doesn't even want me to send pics of the grandson, mmmmmmmmm I am the only one with the camera, so I guess he'll be going without pics of the grandson. Hope she is happy about that!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Aug 2004
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I'm in exactly the same place. In fact, when working with my therapist, I refer to WH as two people, "Al" and "Allan." Allan is the man I fell in love with 19 years ago, married, supported his dream of having his own business, share a beautiful 16-year=old daughter, and thought of as my friend, lover and confidant. "Al" is this total loser who is always looking for something, someone to make him feel better, seems to have no conscience, can't bond with anyone for any longer than it takes him to discover they are human or no longer of any use to him, and definitely thinks love is getting a regular hard-on. Somewhere in the middle of his first EA, a dear friend (who really cares for Allan) told him, "I don't know who you are, but you're not the Allan who I love as a friend."

In some ways, it's helping. By seeing him as two people, one real, one being totally manipulated by others with strong personal agendas (which don't include you), you can start the process of moving away and having closure easier. People do change, sometimes for the worse. Allan started becoming Al when he got sober without really following a program then started substituting sex and porn for booze. Anything to make him feel good for the moment.

Even now, he's being totally deceitful, hiding assets from me and the mediator (but I caught him, and he's furious at me for doing so!).

Hang in there. Tomorrow might not be as bad as today, but if it's not great it won't be as bad as yesterday. A little progress each and every day.

Holding you in the light.

Joined: Jul 2004
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Have to agree w/other posters - I look at my WH and can't believe he has become this ugly - mean person...and I made sure I told him that last week...He has become ugly on the inside - when did this happen, how did it happen..

I truly believe the OWomen my WH is seeing along w/his male loser friend are reinforcing his behaviour..it's ok to treat your BW like trash..like she isn't hurt enough - let's see if we can really make her nuts...They tell him he's the poor BS - yeah right..It's how they both justify the A..2 of the OW are probably mad, scared, etc. that I will again contact their BS - so it's easy to beat up on me..I'm not going to call again..I DON'T CARE....

WH has stopped wearing his wr - why??? Which bimbo told him to stop wearing it?? Does she feel more secure in her relationship w/him if he doesn't wear it?? He wasn't conducting himself like a m person anyway..Does he think this is another dagger he can ram in my heart...Yes, the first couple of days it did hurt - but, in the scope of things he wasn't m anymore from the first phone call building an EA with these women that led to the PA..

I'm still wearing my wr - till the day he divorces me....He may not realize it and my actions are not showing him that I'm his w - but, I'm still committed to him...No matter what he does to me...it only hurts when I allow it to...and those days are far and few between..

Joined: Jan 2004
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Everhopeful,

Now that H has moved in with OW - its as if his mind has been poisoned. She seems to have a terrific talent for inflaming any issues against me, making me look like the greedy, evil ex wife, in short, turning my H almost completely against me at every step of the way. She (and my H admits it) is VERY manipulative, very smart, very cunning, and is controlling my H's attitude like a drug

EXACTLY what has happened in my situation!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Cinderella,

Not only is he still sort of in a fog but my teenaged daughter is in her own fog and wants to go live with the man and his wife. GGGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Yep, that too! I am praying mine doesn't decide this, but she's been staying with the two of them for the last several days and isn't sure when, or IF she wants to come back home. And of course, they've made it VERY clear to her just how wonderfully welcome she is and that it is HER choice. (And they're taking her to Paris at the end of the month, which isn't helping my case.)

Triple GGGRRRRR!!! What is wrong with these people? Why do the good seem to finish last?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

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Joined: Feb 2004
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I know what you girls mean, but please don't give up hope. The good don't always finish last - truth shall prevail and it maybe that they need to go and live with them to appreciate just what they have at ho9me with a loving mother. Plus they will only pull the wool over her eyes for so long, just wait until they XH/OW do something that they (BC) do not like. They'll come home with bells on and never return.

So the good will not finish last I know you may feel down for the count now, but their day is coming. God will not allow the adulterers/fornicators to prevail over you! Be patient "you reap what you sow"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You continue to be the loving person that you can be to all involved and you will be blessed for it!


JT

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My W became another person, i was convinced she was either fdrom some other planet, or that those body snatchers really had her.

It was one thing to leave the M, yet it was a much different thing that she allowed herself to do to her own children, what she did. The most devastating to our children, was when W placed that bogus PPO on me, and for 3 months, i had to return my children to 2 strangers,, 3 months later, FOC awarded me custody.

I realize that the majority of it is in the script,the addiction involved, but while going thru, living, breathing the pain/hurt/sadness, i could never imigine that this lady was capable of what was said and done. (especially to her children!!)

W/o the details, the emotional turmoil she instilled into ehr children, i never thought for a second that "this" lady, would ever have done,,,
she's the one who gave birth to them, also has something to do with my personal thoughts as well,,,

stever

Joined: Jun 2003
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I concur with all of the previous posters - the former mate who once loved you... became a Mr. (or Mrs.) Hyde... their mind shrunk to the size of a pin, thus making them a PINHEAD... they're in the fog and can you really say STOOPIT? Coz that is what they become.. My former wife totally lost it and.. almost 7 years later has only gotten worse... butt.. that is NO LONGER my problem...
You truly are not alone - they morph into Mr. Hyde and there's nothing you can do but to let them self-destruct, kinda like watching a train wreck in slow-mo...
I do wish you strength in this.
God bless,
TDL

Joined: Jun 2000
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Yes, my ex H is definitely a Jeckel/Hyde these days. And I can't figure out how he can turn around and be nice to me, friendly, even affectionate, after the mean things has told me the day before. He is not happy with the financial situation, and blames me for "working for 20 years and nothing to show for it" since our state is a 50/50 marital asset state. He wants to keep what he paid for, I keep what I paid for. In other words, since he bought all the toys and paid the mortgage, and I paid utilities, childcare and for vacations, that the latter doesn't count for anything.

Maybe he is being nice so that I'll cave when we sit down to mediate.


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