well I usually lurk in the general questions section but since I am in the middle of a divorce I thought I might be bop over here for a little bit...

well I have been really good and not contacting WH....we had lunch last friday....he decided we should go sit by the beach...i love the beach but lately it's a place of saddness as thats where the baby we lost is....I visit frequently but being there with him just put a strain on my heart....he didn't ask me to take him there...and I didn't want to ask him because i want him to tell me when he is ready...but I needed to talk to him about the possibility of a male roomate....so I tried my best not to let those emotions to surface in front of him....I said I wanted to know how he would feel having ds grow up around another male if I had to choose a male roomate...and i wanted to make sure he was ok with it....his response was well if thats what needs to be done...WH looked terrible....red puffy eyes looked like he hadn't been sleeping.....he was eating pretzels and started crying saying his TMJ was hurting him....I feel it was something more tho....I haven't heard any more about his supposed rocky relationship with OW.....but I get the feeling she is still lurking like a waiting shark.....I don't think he has gone to the doctors yet to get AD like he said he would....after the halloween incident I told you all about he really dived into depression....i tried to remain loving and happy during our lunch....even a little flirtatious.....he lightened up....and then took me back to work to drop me off....he hugged me and i couldn't help it but he let my hand linger on his face and he even let me kiss his cheek....the next day he was flirting with me online..well I didn't hear from him over the weekend.....got some advice from him on letting down the one guy about the possible roomate thing (found out he smokes and am just not comfortable with him).....he came over last night and seemed so happy to be here....he was talking to me smiling....then the goodnight hug was weird....we hugged and then I looked up to ask him about something and he was grabbing at my arms as if to push me away.....I was like OK...weird.....but he hardly tries to contact us at all...and I am missing him so much....I am having those dreams again that seem so real...like I am curled up with him in bed and I can feel him in my arms and I wake up and reach for him and he's not there....and then I can't help but to cry.....i have been trying to drown myself in work and raising my son and taking care of the animals.....but now this sorrow and loneliness is suddenly breaking through...every time I see him I am so happy and I find it hard to not want to touch him or hold him....I find myself daydreaming about him.....but he doesn't want to be with me.....i know I was a horrible wife....I am trying to do what I can to make amends....i have been trying to be the wife he deserves...but he still blames so much on me....and still holds the though that we can never try again....I want to find what I can do to change that....his depression right now is so deep and i feel it will get deeper with thanksgiving and christams coming...and I hate telling him sorry we have plans you should have called.....because he doesn't call ahead of time to make time with us...his life has been too important as well as OW....but I know thats what I am supposed to do....But the onlything I want for christmas this year...the only thing I want above anything else is my husband.....my friend and companion and my lover ...home....i want my son to have his daddy at home again...and have a loving family not a broken one....i am so sorry for what happened...why do I have to love him this much....I am sorry for this little release on you all...but I have no friends here....and I am feeling so lonely.....he is living somewhere close to us but still won't tell us where....and this is just hurting so much.....

hey there missinghimterribly...

i'm sorry to hear about your situation. i don't have a child yet, nor have i been married nearly as long as you, but i know what it's like to be losing the one you love =(. i felt my eyes beginning to well up w/ tears when i read about you imagining your husband still lying there w/ you in bed but woke up to find you were all alone. that has been my nightmare for the past week, and it seems like i'll have many more for the next few weeks (maybe YEARS) to come. in some odd way, i guess u're kinda "lucky" that at least you have a husband/stbxh that seems to share your grief; my husband doesn't even want to speak to me. it hurts so much, knowing that while i'm here crying my eyes out, wanting nothing more than for him to love me the way he once did, he's out having fun, not wasting a second thought on me =(. well, i just wanna letcha know that u're not alone. i don't have friends around here either (or at least none that i tell my marital problems to). i actually searched the inet for a while, just to find a forum like this, so i could have someone to talk to =I. i hope we'll both find the strength to get through this *huggles*...

best of luck and prayers...

brokenangel9

actually my husband has done that stage of stupidness already and is still partly doing it...he only comes to see his son 3-4 hours a week one night a week...other than that he is out doing "things"....spending time with OW.....or sleeping becaus ehe's so depressed.....he doesn't have the responsibility I do now of being mother and father to the child he says he hasn't left behind....I am here witnessing all my son's milestones by myself....he has missed his first steps and his first words....and that stings more than anything....the fact he is so willing to give up the chance to have a happy family.....because I guess it would be too much work for him....and he would rather stay with his insecure overly possessive OW....and live alone in seclusion.....i still tell him I love him.....and I made my decision...I will wait here....for whenever he decides/figures out.....being with your family is better....I don't want anyone else in my life or my sons....it is partially my punishment for myself but my own way of being a devoted wife.....because no matter if we are divorced legally...we will always be married in the catholic church and in gods eyes....no matter how much him and his supposedly bible studying ow try to say to validify there affair.....so here I stay....because if I wait patiently enough he will come home...thats how I see it...I've always felt this break up isn't ment to be...that he will come home....so all I have to do is wait
*hugs* anytime you need someone feel free to contact me Tigeressts@hotmail.com.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

I think it's better to talk here anyway. Get feedback from people who can relate.
I wasn't a very good wife either. Of course, it's easy to see that now.
I think my husband sees that he wasn't the best H either. No affairs, but we just were cruel to each other.
I don't care who started it, why, or what all else came into play. Sometimes I remember feeling when we were just dating that it was too bad we were probably only going to amount to a fling because I really thought he was a jewel.
I never lost site of that, but I didn't treat him like the jewel I thought he was.
NOw I'm back to thinking we should have just been a fling. We get along, play well, joke, etc, all of that well. BUt when it comes to being married...., what is it? What IS IT about being married that changed everything?
That made it suck?
He says it's just that we aren't right together. He needs someone he knows what to expect from-- I'm too spontaenous, my plans change too much. I am guilty of this, true.
When we met, I was thinking about going to law school. I wanted an intellectual challenge and I wanted work that would help make the world a better place. I thoght Law school was the end all. BUt then I did research on lawyers, and found out that it'snot for me. Meanwhile, we got closer and I could see how he decided on a career in which he'd have lots of time off. He works 3 twelve hr shifts, and has four days off. If he works his 3 days a week back to back, he gets 8 days off... wow, that's like a vacation every couple of weeks while still working full time.
I realized I didn't want a corporate job with min 50 hr work week, or lawyers' 65 hr work week. When I had thought about that, I didn't have anyone other than my son in my life, and I thought working alot wouold at least be setting a good example for him.
BUt I met him, fell in love, and realized I'd never see him with a work schedule like that. Meanwhile, he'd have all this time off.... you can see how my priorities shifted.
So, he feels I haven't held up to my end of hte bargain. I'm back in school like I thought I might be, but I'm going into the field he's in partially for the scedule, partially because I'll be good at it, and partially because I can't think of anything I"ll like as well that would be as rewarding.
So.... I can see why he finds me to be too wishywashy or spontaneous. I don't care. I could be called worse. I just don't think it's something to divorce someone over.
Of course, at this point, it's not about that. It's about how we have communicted through all of this. I objected to being criticized for having the character that I do, being laid back, taking things as they come, being spontaneous. I felt the opposite of loved and admired for who I am with those complaints. He objected to the fact that to him he was just asking me to please stick to what I say I"m going to do becasue it drives him crazy-- which I am willing to do. But it became a matter of pride for me because of the way it was presented.
But I have totally digressed here!
Your stories are very touching to me. Thank you for sharing them.
Lucy

the thing i don't totally understand is I've been told I was controlling maybe I was...but I ALWAYS had to make the decisions on everything...if I asked him all I would get was I dunno...so I had to take the leadership in the household.....and now that is controling....and everything is still being blamed on me....i just don't know anymore...I love this man....I want him to come back so we can try.....

Hi Missinghimterribly,

I do not think you were a bad wife. You made a mistake. Some men magnify our mistakes and minimize their own. It is emotional abuse. So sorry you are going through this. I have been separated from mine for a couple weeks. We still are in contact. I hurt too, so I know how it feels. I made a mistake too, He will not forget my mistake. He punished me for it for a year with OW/OC. Now he has left me. He planned on leaving me for a month. I too might go back to him one day if he realizes what he lost. But if prince charming comes along to rescue me before he wakes up then that will be just too bad won't it. Why can't our husbands see the jewel they have in us and take a chance on losing us. Try and do things for you. I know it is hard to stay positive but I beleive there is light at the end of this tunnel. Don't beat up on yourself. You are only human. Your husband was neglecting you wasn't he when he was so depressed.

when he was depressed? the man is still depressed...he hardly sleeps and is always so tired...red puffy eyes....genia I remember you tho...I used to be lostlamb....mine also had planned on leaving me without truly stating his intentions clearly....and yes while he was a work a holic and at times too busy for his family...he was working hard to make money to support us..so I shouldn't complain.....but unfortunatly for me I am too devoted for my own damn good...my affair scared the crap out of me...it is something I would NEVER do again...and after all the stress and what all that stress cost me...my husband....my baby....my sanity at times....if god gave me another chance with this man I love....I would do it right....I would do anything and everything he asked....but as long as he respected me...and also worked with me....Including cutting contact with his ow as I have done with OM for months.....and I never intend to contact that mistake ever again....and hopefully also cutting the contact with the one person who was a thorn in the side of our entire marriage .....his ex-girlfriend....he could never see how damaging she was to our relationship...there were strings he would just never sever....and allowed her to tell him inappropriate things....about her sex life...and invite him places and think oh it's ok without my wife...even his own brother told him...hey man if I was your wife I would be pissed too...but he never listened....*hugs* i'm glad there are people in my situation I can talk to and relate....hang in there girl....drop me a line if you need someone to talk to

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

Hi MissingHim,

Please girl, don't beat yourself up. You like me made a mistake because you were being neglected. You like me after the punishment our husbands put us through would never make that mistake again. But the punishment was way too much for the mistake we made. We do not deserve that much punishment. But they can't see the hurt and pain they caused us before we made our mistake. I am trying very hard to work through my pain so I can move on if he can't see what he is losing. If he sees it and comes back I will accept him with open arms but if not I hope I can find somebody worthy of me. I wish the same for you.