Hi,
I am looking for advice on what to say and how to handle a situation I see coming. My wife and I have been married for almost 9yrs and we have 2 girls, 5 and 8. My wife has been having an affair with a friend of hers. I found out from the way she was acting, for one she stopped telling me anything about him or that she had event talked to him. Then they were IM'ing one night and I saw she was talking to him. I noticed some things that were written that disturbed me. I asked her about it and she denied it. She has been talking to him negatively about me and he is giving her advice that leads her to divorcing me and moving in with him. I have not been able to bring up the subject again.

I love my wife and more than anything I love my girls. I haven't been a perfect father but she hasn't been a perfect mother at all. I work and she stays home to take college classes on line and watch the girls after they get out of school until I come home.

Well today she was talking to me over IM while I was at work (and OM was also online with her). She alluded to something going on and started going off on different issues. Some of the issues hinted of seperating. The way she was talking wasn't normal for her, I could tell she was being coached. So anyhow, she said she wants to talk to night after she gets back from a training class.

I believe she is going to tell me about OM and that she wants a divorce. I do not want a divorce but also don't want to be taken advantage of. A major reason I don't want a divorce is that I couldn't bear losing my girls. OM lives in another state (about 24hr drive) and I know she wants to move there soon.

I don't know what to say when she tells me. I don't know how to handle the issue of child custody. I do not want them moved out of the state or city. They are in a nice home in a nice neighborhood and they attend school here and have a number of friends and activities in the area. Moving them and seperating I think will be too much for them to handle. I know that with my income and flexible hours at work that I will have no problem caring full time for the girls. What I want is to stay in the house with the girls so there is minumum change for them. My WS can do whatever she likes, she can stay and share in the care of the girls or she can move.

Sorry I seem to have rambled on.

Caring Dad

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: Caring Dad ]</small>

Most states would frown on such a thing.

I sugest you be prepared to keep her from taking them. Get a lawyer involved right off the bat.

Let her see the reality of her actions if this is indeed her intention.

Caring Dad - First, may I suggest you RUN, don't walk to the nearest Aggresive Attorney you can find to protect your rights and that of your children! Your wife cannot just walk away and take them out of state. Most judges just don't allow that unless you personally authorize your wife to do so.

I know how the system works; I filed for divorce after my ex-h 2yr Affair - he wanted nothing to do with his daughters. So, he consented to allow me to move 2000 miles away with my girls. Fast forward 3 months later..... he said I kidnapped them! Didn't do him any good. He had already signed the consent form. - Be very careful what documents you sign Careful Dad.

Don't allow your wife the luxury of moving to be with the OM, don't allow her to uproot your children and make them miserable.. plain and simple> make her jump through hoops... I know my ex is still paying a big price for what he did to his family.

Thanks, I did call a lawyer but i am unable to get a meeting for about a week. Until then I am having problems staying calm when I am around her. I haven't been sleeping for about a week now and I noticed that I am getting a little short, and sometimes start to say something I really don't want to say. I want to try and keep a civil relationship with her.

Is it possible to remain civil with WS through a divorce? Seems a difficult thing to do. I have things I want to say to her, but am afraid that if I do then she will do things to make the divorce harder than it could be.

Caring Dad,
One way to keep it as civil and polite as possible is to let your lawyer handle all custody and financial questions. If she asks refer her to lawyer. We pay lawyers to be the "bad guys" even when they're jsut protecting us.

Next, breathe deeply and avoid the LoveBusters. Have you posted on Just Found Out or General Questions II? This is presuming you want to save your marriage. There's lots of good advice there. Make sure you read this entire site.

Oh,and just for fun, see if you can sue OM for alienation of affection. If you can, it may give you some leverage or bargaining power later on.

Good luck to you and your children.

Caring dad

I echo the previous posters comments [especially victorialynn's] and remember that you MUST stay focused and in control of your emotions for your daughters sake. If she brings the topic of wanting a divorce don't make the mistake of trying to change her mind for that will only make her more resolute, instead convey to her something along the following lines:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Fine, I totally agree! Let’s get a divorce. In fact, I've already setup an appointment to meet with a divorce attorney next week to get the ball rolling. I've even got the evidence of your infidelity that I'm going to take with me when I see go see him."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chances are if you tell her this without showing any emotions like sadness or anger, she's going to be very surprised because that is the last thing she will expect from you. Keep in mind that many WS [wayward spouses] tend to beleive that the BS [betrayed spouse] is going to take him/her back if things don't work out with the OP [other person], but if you tell her the above, you will be shattering that beleif into a million pieces. Of course there is no guarantee that this will make her change her mind, but it will certainly make her think twice about why you no longer want to be married to her.

You may scoff at my advice and think that I'm full of it and that is your right but your WW has declared war on you and in war you've got to fight with everything at your disposal not just win it but to survive as well.