Hello all, I am sitting alone in my house with all the time in the world now to think about my mistakes. I still love my dear wife with all of my heart and only a small part of me thinks that divorce even could be an option. We have only been married for 3 years, they have not been easy but they have not been that bad. Monady night she out of the blue just packed up a little bit of her stuff and moved in with her sister who is almost 100 miles away from here. I did not have any idea that this was coming or I would have likely been able to cool her down some. She did not tell me what was wrong until wednesday night. We had a nice Dinner at a Chinese place up the road from her sisters house. During the dinner she broke the news to me that she "could not do this anymore" and "I really only love you as a friend". She told me that the biggest reason for the walkout was that I had been talking to her family about the ongoing troubles and some of what I had said made it back to her. I feel she has every right to be hurt and angry but I really meant no insult to her by anything i said. I explained to her that I had my own issues and need more time to work them out and she really had no reply other than to tell me to wor them out with someone else. Now after all of this I was expecting nothing from the rest of the evening, but when we got to her sisters house she hugged and kissed me on the cheek (I am a very physical person so this really made me feel much better). We then went around the back of the house when she stopped look up at me, smiled and said "this was tecnically not a first date so..." and with that she grabbed me,hugged me and gave me a long kiss on the mouth. We then went into her sister's house and she changed clothes in fron of me just like she always did at home. At the end of the movie I told her "good night, I love you" She replied "good night,be safe,I love you too" The next day I saw her after work (we work in the same town) and we got food. I told her that she was my best friend and my one true love. She hugged me and then she left in a hurry (she has to drive the Washington D.C. beltway 495 and you dont want to get stuck on that road) We have not talked really since and I just don't know what to make of this whole thing. We have been together for 7 years and 3 of these have been married. We have been dating since she was 15 and I was 19 ( I know smoe might have a problem with this but I truly love her and would not hurt her ever) Seven years i too long to waste when we could both be gone any time at all, you just never know when your time is up and there is rarely any warning. I have talked to her sister and she told me that I might be able to save this but my wife mostly just wants this to be over. she also has told me that I need to "define myself more" and stop defining myself through my wife. I am seeing a counselor fotr my problems and I am working on them but I will need time but it seems that the time may not be there. I really want to win her back forever this time and just need to hear some good advice on what to do. there have been no affairs or anything like that just me betraying her trust about who i talk to. I am accountable for want I did And it will not happen again.I just cannot accept that this could be over yet and I refuse to give up until the very end.

Hi SadJohn,

Sometimes people say things they don't mean. Sounds like she is giving you mixed messages. Since she is with her family, maybe she just wants some space to see if she misses you. I wish you the best of hope for your marriage to work out. Try and think positive. I know how this must hurt and how confused you must feel.

Genia

I am trying it is just so hard to deal with. we have hardly been apart for all these years and now to be alone,confused and without help is just about more than I can stand

Hi SadJohn,

I am sad too. My husband has really lost it and moved out. I had to get Antidepressants to keep from crying so much when he started planning his move about a month before. Even with the anti-depressants it still hurts.

Here is a hotline you can call and get a caring person to talk to.

Hopeline

1-800-844-7410

I know that if I went onto the meds that she would really never come back. She is one of those types that think that it would be the pill loving them not me. I am struggling through this and hoping for a change in her mood but like she told me "don't count on it". I have since monday decide to go back to school (I gave up on this to be there for her when she needed me)and I have started to face some of the truths about my past. I just hope I can do all of the things I need to do for me before she comes back. Thank you so much for your replies any contact I can get right now really helps keep me from the less pleasant exits from this terrible situation

Hi SadJohn,

Do what is best for you now and hope she comes to her senses. I am using my husbands absence to do something for me, he would not allow. If you feel you need meds, get them. Since she is gone, don't let her control you still. I know it is easier said than done. You could get something to just get you by till she comes back. What harm could be in that? Before I got mine, I cried all the time. Now I don't cry too much, but I still feel sad.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

I am sorry I just realzed thatI am going on about myself and not really even trying to address your situation (maybe this could be what my wife has trouble with?) I cannot imagine having a months worth of warning. I just don't think I could have dealt with that. The worst part is she is my first girlfriend, my first lover, and my first wife. I really would hate for her to be my first divorce also..... And thee i go again about myself.... Oh well I am trying there is just so much on my mind now i just have no idea what to do anymore.

You are right about the meds but it will be hard still because she still controls all of the money. Like an idiot I handed her my entire months pay in cash and let her put it into her account. Any money she sees gone shewill ask about. I was a foster child so maybe social services could give me a hand on this I really do not know yet.

Hi Sadjohn,

No problem. This post is suppose to be about you. It is your post. I was just giving you some of my situation to relate. I also have a problem sometimes talking too much about myself so I only gave some of my situation so you would know that you are not alone and this is happening to me too. You are young and it sucks to have your dream fall apart. I know what you are going through hurts and I feel your pain.

I really have to wonder about her though. A large number of the people that she works with are divorced or are going to be soon (never work in a grocery store for a log time it will destroy you in every way a job can) I have to think that maybe she is being influenced by that situation and projecting their misery onto us? maybe? She would not tell me anyway even if she knew.

Sadjohn,

You make the money, and she controls the money. I am sorry man. You must be head over heals in love. Not too many men would do that. I think, the person who makes the money should have control. But I think big purchases should be mutually agreed upon. I don't think I can advise you on how to turn that one around, but I definately think Marriage Counseling would be good.

Hi Sadjohn,

About the job thing, I know sometimes coworkers can be bad influences. I know at a job I work at, Workers would joke about going out with married men. I think they were just joking, but after being hurt I do not find their jokes funny. Yes your wife could be influenced in a bad way by co-workers. You could suggest marriage counseling.

I hope I can get her into that this time. The last time she was no happy with what she heard about herself and she vowed never to go back. On the money and in love thing- yes I am absolutely head over heals in love with her. I also trust her totally to do the right thing with the money. Would you believe that she told me that I have trust issues? I mean yes stemming from a long time ago I HAD some issue but I have dealt with them. How else could I be in front of this monitor now? If I did not trust her I would be on my way over to the place were she is staying. I have no need to watch over her anymore she has proven to be trustworthy for some things but we both have failed in terms each others hearts.

Hi,

Maybe you need to find a new counselor. They need to put it to her in a way that does not offend her. Not to tell her what she is doing wrong, but in a way to help her want to change. Not all counselors are good. I have been to some that made me feel like they were my mother. The one I got now is digging into my past to help me understand why I do some things but without putting blame on me.

Maybe this is something that social services could help me with too. I am now just about the only income we have andshe has started going to school so money for counseling just is not there but if it was I really might be able to get her into it long term with the right one. One worry I have is that if we get divorced how can I still be involved with her family. I have been friends with the sister she is living with since ninth grade. The mother in law asked me if we got divorced could they keep me? A little strange but my wife has always had trouble and really only know how to run from it. I really do not want to have to find another partner I have put my heart in her hands and will leave it there until the very end. I have to belive that she will come around I just have to believe....

Hi Sadjohn,

I got to get to bed. 2:40 AM here. I will try and check in on you later. I don't get on the computer every day though. I hope you will be alright, and try that hotline I gave you above if you need to talk to a caring human person. It is a hotline for people with problems. They mostly just listen.

one more if you have time... today is her birthday what should I do? her sister thinks that I should just let it slide but that does no feel right at all.

Hi Sad john,

Don't give up hope. Sometimes girls treat nice guys bad, and bad guys good and vice versa, Then it is the same thing with guys. Doesn't make sense. I hope you get some help. But do try the hopeline number I gave you.

Sadjohn,

Don't let her birthday slide. Get her something nice. You got to stay positive and keep hope. I don't think it is over yet.