I attended the last seminar with Dr. Harley in L.A. (12-13 Nov '04) to see if there was any hope for us. I have no doubt now that my marriage can work between my W and I, but I no longer have any motivation to try. She is now the perfect wife, but the affair makes my love bank a sieve. No matter what she does, I don't care enough to try. The only thing that makes me connect with her emotionally is making love, which she is not only willing but desiring to do, so she says. But shortly after, the reality of the affair drains my love bank. The OP is only in the picture because of my W's job. After the seminar she realized that she needs to move her job NOW and not in 2 months when she would have moved anyway. So she is now making the effort to find any possible way of moving NOW. But I don't really care anymore. It would have made a difference a week or 2 ago, but now I don't even really care. I am more interested in catching her "slipping up" so that I can solidify my resolve to get a divorce. I am beginning to wish that I didn't hold on so tight after finding out and just let her go then. I feel trapped and feel like the only reason part of me is holding on is that SHE is holding on so tightly and just won't let go. I am engaging in "independent behavior" and dont' feel like even talking to her. I know that sooner or later this will drive her away. From what I learned at the seminar, I feel like I can have a great marriage with anyone, so why should I settle for an adultress who's love bank account with me is deeply in the red? I find myself looking forward to starting over without her, but I'm scared of being alone. HELP!!!??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


Married 3 1/2 yrs, no kids.
Wife and I both in the Army, I was in Iraq Apr '03 to Mar '04. Wife was in Iraq Oct '03 to Sep '04.
Wife had an affair with a subordinate from Dec '03 to Oct '04.

No matter what you do, I feel for you. I will say, as a veteran, please make sure you don't make decisions simply because your "ego" is bruised.

For some reason when I read your post I was reminded of an old brooks and dunn song that says "it's my belief pride is cheif cause in the decline of the number of husbands and wives".

But welcome to the site and let us know if you need any support or have any questions.

Perhaps it's time to talk to someone about forgiveness. This is about you now - not about her.
Do you have a pastor?

Yes, I agree. It is about me. I feel that the whole time that we have been married, I have made it about her. But now after the affair, I feel that I have to rethink my poit of view. I made it too much about her. I feel obligated to myself to think about what is truly best for me. I am still looking for a convincing reason to stay with her, but logically speaking, I can't find one. I have stopped trying because I know that if I do, my emotions with once again be conflicting with what I know/think to be the best thing for me.

Well, I have decided to give it more time. I started a new topic in "infidelity>just found out>Why try?" Thank you.

Sometime when you are right in the middle of it, it is hard to see clear. Before I was the type to say "how can you work on your marriage if you are apart?" but I have experienced that taking yourself out of it makes things a lot clearer. A lot of times for both parties too. I am not talking about divorce, but maybe some time apart will help.