The divorce my WH wanted will become final in the next week or so. With the holidays around the corner, I feel it’s probably time to change the depth of interaction with his side of the family. (Our conversations have been more infrequent over the last year anyway.) I don't want to ignore them, but don't see the need to exchange gifts (with his parents in particular) as we have continued to do the last 3 years since WH moved out. Maybe just send a Christmas card. Since our kids are adults, it isn’t up to ME to keep the relationship with them going strong as it would be if they were younger. And the kids aren’t that keen on it themselves, since WH parents/siblings have never confronted him on his affair and subsequent actions; even after he told them about the OW they just expressed disappointment, nothing more. Blood is truly thicker than water.

I was thinking of writing to my in-laws and “releasing” them from any obligation to exchange gifts. Does anyone have ideas on how to word this? They are well-meaning people, so I don't want to make the divorce a sore point, either. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Avondale,
Wow, this is a tricky one. Not knowing them, it's hard to say what an appropriate message would be.
I can tell you what I think my approach would be: put on a business suit, sit sown at the computer or typewriter, and write a business communication. These days with customer service that can be very warm and fuzzy, it's not like you need to be an automaton in the letter to be businesslike, either. I would express the good feelings too, and say the things I'd be glad I said should this be our last communication.
When I thought my husband and I were getting a divorce, I wrote to his parents a similar letter. I told MIL how spunky and beautiful I think she is, and I told FIL how funny and warm he is. I thanked them both for loving me, and for loving my son. I told them I hope they have peace, and that I was proud to be a member of their family. I told them I had no expectations as I understood that they need to be supportive of their son and I don't need to come between them. I also said that I am glad they beleive in God and hope they understand why I was giving my relationship with them to Him.

All in all, they might not like you right now, or they might but feel they need to show loyalty to their son. Can't hold that against them, as lame as it is. But in the long run, the way I see it, the time, love, and energy you gave them throughout the years isn't wasted. It has to go somewhere, and maybe you need to burn some bridges -- severing the relations with H's family might be what you need to do, or maybe you can extend a new hand to them- not of DIL but of friend- someone who knows them and wants to continue knowing them.
No matter what you need to do, I'm sure they will get it and accept it, and I'm sure the way the chips fall now can change in time.
I hope that helps.
Lucy

I wondered how I would handle the same situation as I thought the world of my in-laws and family and I believe they of me. Luckily for me they talked to me and said they will always consider me a part of the family no matter what happened between my EX-WW. My situation may be different becasue my son is still young. We usually talk at least once every two weeks and I'm still invited over for dinner. One thing we don't do anymore is exchange gifts on birthday's or Christmas. I think it just came natural and assumed that we wouldn't. I believe it bothers my EX and her new husband but what do you do? In fact my ex-FIL sat down and talked to the new husband prior to the re-marriage and told him that I was still part of the family and always would be and that was something he would have to understand. I don't maintain a relationship with them out of ego but what are you supposed to do? The are not my family anymore but they are friends. I know blood is thicker than water and I would never try and drive a wedge between my EX and her family. Over time the relationship may fizzle out, who knows and no one will have to say anything about cutting off ties.

Lucycakes - Thanks for responding! I like the way your own letter listed so many positive qualities. That's something for me to keep in mind when I'm writing mine.

Westwind - It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your in-laws. Mine have also said they'd 'always consider me a part of their family', as yours did. But with the divorce it just seems to put things in a different perspective - especially since I don't have young children anymore. Thanks for your response!

I feel it’s probably time to change the depth of interaction with his side of the family.
Why?
Don't you like them?

Chris
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Chris said: Why?
Don't you like them?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good to hear from you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's not that I don't like them. The main thing I'm wanting to communicate (to them) is that I don't want/expect a Christmas GIFT. For example, my MIL called (first time in several months) and invited me to Thanksgiving at their house. With my STBX there which was a shock. Every time they include me in something (without H) - it's like sitting at a table with a big ten ton purple elephant as the centerpiece. Bad analogy, I know! But there's this THING (H's ongoing affair, I guess) that everyone tries to talk around and no one wants to address. There is MAJOR awkwardness on all sides. My kids have said the same thing. So that's where I'm coming from.

I am just thinking about making a more concrete statement, perhaps to help with boundaries, for me. I still will interact with them with birthday cards and things as I would a friend....just not extend this personal relationship out at the same level.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi Avondale,

I'm not sure I have any great words of wisdom in this department, but I just wanted you to know I read your thread and will pray about this for you too.

I can relate to some of what you have written based on the two separations my H and I have gone through. At first, his folks were very supportive of me and wanted to stay in close touch. I found with time things changed. I think they feared upsetting their son by continued close contact with me. Little by little the relationship changed. They were cordial but became more distant.

Now, my mother in law makes a point to always keep communication very tight with her son but no longer with me. That whole loyalty thing has truly manifested itself here. I'm now much more reserved in my comments to her. We have a decent relationship but it is guarded in a way that it wasn't formerly.

I understand your need for some separation with them based on their lack of confrontation with their son. I felt the same way toward my in-laws when I saw their lack of comment towards my H. It does seem like a lot of tip-toeing around big purple elephants.

Hope all turns out well with them. You are a wise lady. I'm sure you will word things correctly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Avondale said: it's like sitting at a table with a big ten ton purple elephant as the centerpiece. Bad analogy, I know! But there's this THING (H's ongoing affair, I guess) that everyone tries to talk around and no one wants to address. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to laugh when I read that. Yes...blood is thicker than water. My former FIL was an Ordained Baptist Minsiter. His reaction to OM's wife calling my former and threating to drag her in front of the Church...You two (OM's wife and I) just need to understand that they needed each other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But...to your original question of how to handle that relationship. I would assume that will be totally up to you. How comfortable are you being in there presence? I remember hearing on the Dr. Phil show that if youhave dealt with all the emotional baggage from the marriage then you should be able to walk out the door knowing that you have done everything possible to salvage, restore and mend that relationship.

With that thought in mind decide what you would like from that relationship and go from there. If you want to maintain one with them then by all means do so.

In my case I have young children so I strived even in the early days to maintain and grow that former friendship we had. It has now grown to the point where my former FIL has invited me to his Prayer Breakfast group every other Tuesday. It did take several months for that to happen but he and I get along fine now. Even with that huge elephant (our's is white) standing in the middle of the room.

MIL is a different story but her head is still buried in the sand. And that too is her problem and not mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

avondale25,

My mother and my dad's parents remained on good terms for years after my parents divorce--well, up to my mothers death--

Whenever my mom would go visit her mother--she would also go visit her ex-in laws--even when none of us were with her--

Although they never exchanged gifts over the years they did continue to send cards--even after my dad married his OW--

So you don't have to lose all contact with them, as they are your childrens grandparents--and were like parents to you for years--

You don't have to allow OW and XH come between that relationship too--

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Leah - Thanks for posting. You helped me realize I’m not the only one trying to figure out this part of my life. I will always love my in-laws, but it is hard to overcome the awkwardness. That’s why I think I’ll stick to cards. My daughter hasn’t participated in traditional Christmas activities for that side of the family since this happened - for that same reason. But it was just this week I found out the real reason, I always thought it was for other reasons.

Trusting - Glad I could make you laugh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I’m glad your relationship with your FIL is as strong as it is. I know that is due in a large part to your own relationship with the Lord. Maybe I'm not operating in 1Cor 13 as much as I should be....? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: With that thought in mind decide what you would like from that relationship and go from there. If you want to maintain one with them then by all means do so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think what I want is to distance myself just a little bit and not feed too much into the in-laws desire for affirmation of their son regardless of his actions. Does that make sense?

TR - I appreciate your insights on this and other threads. I think what you described is what I want. Not to write them off totally, but to just exclude the gift-giving “obligation” part of it. Thanks so much for posting.

avondale25,

Contrary to what most people believe these days--gift giving is not an obligation--

Obligations take away from the term 'gift'

gift givers expect nothing in return--they give because they WANT to give--not because they think they HAVE to--nor because they expect anything in return--

Personally if someone gives me a gift and then gets upset that I don't give something in return it makes me feel as if the only reason they gave was to get something in return--and I'd rather not have their gift--as there are strings attached to it--

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

WH and I are divorcing after 15 years of marriage and 18 1/2 years of being together. I'm VERY close to his family, especially MIL and SIL. MIL is VERY upset about the whole situation. SIL is TICKED at her B, tho he doesn't know it yet (doesn't know she knows). SIL said, "You will ALWAYS be part of our family," and I hope she's right. I WANT to stay part of their family somehow. Probably won't go to all the family functions, but I will try to maintain a R with MIL and SIL, as well as my nieces and nephew. I hope they will always consider me their aunt, even if they get a new one at some point. I love those kids dearly and can't imagine not being part of their life! My kids are young, though, so it will be a little easier to maintain the R. I have considered WH's family MY family for so long, I can't imagine them NOT being my family. Even MIL considers me more like a second D instead of DIL. This whole sitch is tearing her up. I feel like it was basically WH's choice to end this M by having an A, but why should I have to divorce his family too?

Suffering - You DON'T have to divorce his family. I am just desiring to get a little more “real” with where we are at (considering his family’s acceptance of H’s behavior, now THREE years after D-day). My in-laws also said “I’ll always be part of the family” but it is difficult for me to sit there and pretend things are the same, when they’re so obviously not. You can only discuss the weather for so long, LOL. You are very correct - when your kids are young, it is easier, and healthier (and something you SHOULD do) to keep their relationship with grandparents on-going. Thanks for posting.

Avondale25,

I agree that if your in-laws/ex in-laws are condoning/supporting XH's behavior (the A), then it wouldn't be a good idea to maintain a R with them. I'm lucky that my in-laws (except possibly my BIL) are totally on my side and very disappointed/angry with STBX. My MIL keeps telling me she loves me, etc. SIL and I are more like sisters, very close, and hopefully always will be. I know she will never accept/support STBX's behavior/A. She even said, "he better not EVER bring her around here!" Even said he wasn't invited to Thanksgiving dinner. But since the kids and I aren't going to be here for Thanksgiving anyway, she may change her mind about that. (She wanted us to come instead.) I'm seriously considering going to his grandma's Christmas afternoon this year like we do every year. I really don't think it will start getting too weird until one or both of us has a true SO or spouse.

I just received a birthday gift in the mail from my ex in-laws. I have been divorced from their son now for 4 years. We have remained very close and when my daughter got married last month we planned a vacation for next year together. You divorced their son not them. If they still love you and want you to be part of their family and you still love them why give that up?

Jill

Jilly ,
Hi, thanks for responding. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jillybean36 said: You divorced their son not them </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is true, but we've been separated for almost 3 years now and my relationship with the in-laws has lessened over that time. I haven't seen or heard from my SIL or BIL and their families in well over a year. I've seen H's parents once, 6 months ago (that was when it was so awkward with the big purple elephant on the table <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). We live in the same town, btw. I've talked on the phone with H's parents once in the last year. It seems the relationship is dying of its own accord, almost. I just wanted to get ideas for a little more definitive closure, I guess. And I didn't want them to feel obligated to get me a Christmas gift, because if we haven't interacted or seen each other in so long, it just seems like we're keeping up pretenses or something. Thanks again!

I didn't relize you live in the same town. Yes, I guess that does change things if they haven't really made attempts to stay in contact with you or you with them. I guess maybe I would call them and talk to them about the gift exchange also.

JIll