On saturday the 13th (her birthday) my wife asked for a divorce. I DO NOT want a divorce I really want to work out the problems that we have. She has been gone for a week and for some reason I still have not been able to stop trying to get back together with her. I know that asking her out now is not the thing to do but I really want to work it out. I do not have all the time in the world because I am 26 and If we get divorced I would like to join the U.S. Air Force. You have to complete basic before your 28th birthday. Last monday she moved out a small amount of her stuff but yesterday she moved the kittens and her school books back. I have no idea how much space to give her right now and I really do not want to lose her to another man. How long should I wait before going back to her? Get this she acually asked me for a hug- she was nude! what does that mean? can anybody tell me that? I am looking for some insight into what could cause all of this confusion. please help!

Hey John,

My take on this is that your W wants to keep you on the hook in case she changes her mind. She still needs you and is afraid to lose you. This is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One thing you seem to have not considered is the possibility that she is involved with another man. I'm sorry to bring it up.

Now, if you do the ol' Plan A/ PlanB thing, she'll be cryin' for you.

Check out TooMuchCoffeeMan's list of recomendations. He has a pretty good grasp of where to go from here. You should be able to search for it somewhere around here.

I read your other thread (or parts of it). I really feel sorry for you that you grew under foster care. That's a tough way to go - and it certainly leaves a person without some of the good experiences that can really build up your strength. Right now, it means that she is your world. All your life, you had nobody - and then you had her. That makes you very vulnerable to her whims - and probably not very "manly" in her eyes. She's in the driver's seat as long as you depend completely on her... and maybe she expects the man to drive, so to speak. So... you've got to find you a rock to build on - so that you don't depend on her so completely. For many people, religious faith helps. I'm a Christian myself, and I don't think I would have survived without my faith to fall back on.

If you have anyone who can be a mentor - maybe one of the foster parents - that you can turn to... somebody older who can listen to you and advise you - and ... just be there for you, that would help.

Get together with friends (guys only). Do some fun things.

Oh yes, and stop chasing her! I forgot about that. Look, she doesn't want to lose you. If she finds that you are not calling every day, she'll start calling you. If she finds that you are not home - but gone out somewhere doing something interesting, she'll come and look for you.

As long as she thinks she is the center of your life, then she will feel safe to play around. You need to let out the line a little and she'll swim back to you.

-AD

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

you are right about stopping the chase. but...things changed as i waited for this reply. she called me and laid into me about not having any direction and not having goals but i really have all of these they have just taken a long time to gel up and become clear.she still seems to really want the divorce but I think I should play it cool for now and see what happens. I will be getting all of the neede info about the USAF and going through the moves to get in. I am still young and she really is dependant on my income so I hope she knows what she is getting into. About the other guy idea I think that she may have found someone but she wants this to be over so she can pursue it. If that is the case then there is little I can do bout it other than to move along. She does not seem to understand that I have allways provided for her and she has never had to fend for herself but it looks like she will be soon. I still love her and I wish her the best but I think that this marriage may really be over. I wish I had done some thing earlier but i think it is too late now.

SadJohn,

Listen to your W. Sometimes a wayward spouse gives fake reasons for what they do and other times they give real reasons. This sounds like something that matters to her. Many women expect a man to be strong, in-control, purposeful, effective. They want us to be able to make a plan and carry it out, set a goal and reach it. That makes them feel safe - it means that they can rely on their man.

You say you have plans and goals but "they haven't gelled". The key thing is chosing reachable goals, making and and executing a plan to reach them. Don't make "pie in the sky" goals. If you have a "goal" that you are making steps toward today, it's not a real goal, it's only a wish. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As my grandfather used to say
<strong> "Wish for something in one hand and spit in the other and see which gets full first".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't make wishes, make a very few goals at a time and concrete plans to reach them. Then force yourself to carry out the plan to reach the goal.

If you're lacking in that area (we all are sometimes), she's telling you a way to improve yourself in her eyes.

Now about the military. Man, look around this forum and you will find lots of military guys who's wife has found another man while they were deployed. You'll find others having an affair while deployed. The military life is very destructive of marriages. Think carefully about what you want. If you "join up", you will be away from your W a lot. If you want to save this marriage, I would seriously rethink the military option.

What is your goal?

If your goal is to go into the military, then make a plan and do that. If your goal is to save your marriage and build a family with your wife, then make a concrete plan to do that - and shut down anything in your life that doesn't contribute to that goal. Focus on those things most likely to move you closer to that goal.

A monkey with 10 tons of keys won't open the door. You need only the one key and to know how to use it.

If you need focus, I think you need a mentor - an older man that you can trust to guide you. They are hard to come by if you don't have a father to do it for you. I wish I had one, and I'm 40 something! If you're not in a church, you might join one and try to get into a men's group with some older, successful men.

As I wrote to you before, you need to make your life center around something other than your W. Often a woman, especially a young woman, will feel unsafe with a man who doesn't have his own center. Of course, she needs to know that she is very important to him, but she also needs to know that no matter what she does, you will be strong. It may be counter-intuitive, but I think it's true.

Did you find "TooMuchCoffeeMan"'s posts?

He has pulled together a lot of helpful information.

Good luck to you and keep posting.


-AD

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

First the USAF is the goal if she just decides to leave. I would never want to put her through that life. I do have plans to start school next semester and the funding is no trouble at all. She just tells me that I am not telling the truth and that I will never do anything. I think that I will be leaving the paperwork for the USAF and the grants for school out somewere very visible so she can see that I do have goals this time and no matter what I will be fine. That should do one of 2 things- drive her nuts or bring her back. I really want to get this going again but if she will no longer trust me with her heart how can I regain that trust. She claims to love me as a friend and claims to still care but why can she not see what she is doing to me with this? last night I ened up drunk and alone in a bed for 2 and I really do not want that to be my life story.I will read the posts if I can find them. Do you think that it is too late or can I still save this?

SadJohn,

Of course it can be turned around!

Here's the link TooMuchCoffeeMan's Collection of Useful Stuff

By the way, you really need to find out what you're dealing with. I suspect there is another man involved - probably somebody from her work. Sorry, but that's the most likely case.

Good luck to you,

-AD

I guess this is when my hacking skills are tested?
Maybe if I know about the other I can defeat him from another angle? I wish I had alot of time because I would really let this one go for a while then see what is up. I will have to ask around for help on this. I just have to play it cool for a while.

Sadjohn,

Personally, I have gone down your road somewhat. It will only hurt you. My advice is not to snoop around and invade her trust. You will be stooping down to her level if she happens to be a cheater.

Ask her directly if there's anyone else. Likely, she'll say no, but at least you're honest about it and to the relationship.

Sit down and think seriously what you want to do with your life. Set a time frame when you want to achieve them. Focus on yourself and learn to be happy just being w/ yourself.

You will regret it if you start snooping around, trust me!

I no longer have to wonder at all! I found this on a 3x5 card in a chair in the living room today "why am I so in love with a man to which I am not married and strongly dislike the one to which I am" Now this leaves a bit of a doubt in my mind because I think I threw away a note just like this one 2 years ago. If this note has come back then she must have fished it out and really must mean something by it. I now have to call into question my entire trust of her. Why did she have to do this I had just finally really begun to trust her fully again. One time before we were married *something* happened with another guy. I do not think anything really happened and she finally admitted that nothing happened. Who knows what is going on now? I am nearly clueless. Who do I believe now?

I think I know who he is. What is she thinking?

Does it matter what she's thinking? She's confused! She only sees flaws in you, and she's looking for that final straw that she can leave w/out feeling guilty. She's afraid at the same time knowing that she'll be leaving behind something stable from you. It's a selfish act of a deceiver.

Treat her kindly and ignore her at the same time and do your thing. Don't spy or sneaking around. it will only drive you more insane. I'm pretty sure it already has when you found that note.

Go to the gym, hanging out w/ your friends, get this opportunity to improve yourself in any possible way that you can. If the marriage doesn't workout, at least you can come out a better person. It's not the end of the world.....

Life will be lonely at first. It will eventually get better. And another thing, don't do anything stupid to the other man. The law doesn't permit you!

Can I win her back? I really do not have a whole lot of time to remove him from our lives. I will not be doing anything stupid to him but I really really want to! I think it is time to look up my friends form school (the girls) and not really do anything but just play it cool for a while. Really does anybody think that there is a snowball's chance in h**l that we could bring this back together? I really do not want to give up.

SadJohn,

You do have a chance, but you've got to calm down and start walking in the right direction.

Looking up old girlfriends is not the right direction.

There is nothing wrong with snooping under the circumstances. It's helpful to know what you're up against. For example, if the other man is married, you need to expose the situation to his wife. In general, exposure helps.

But meanwhile, you need to be working on you- on making yourself the best husband for your wife.

You mentioned that you were planning to go back to school or join the military.

Are you working now? What can you do to progress in your job? What can you do to make yourself stronger in general?

What are you doing with your time?

Where are you living?

Is the house clean when your W drops by?

Are there things that need repair?

What does she complain about in you?
Can you change those things?

Can you stop drinking?

You have to take charge of your life.

-AD

She just called me and asked for the number of the divorce lawer that I talked to. I will give it to her and see what happens. She claimed before to have contacted a couple of them already. Today she said that she has not. What in the world is going on here?

SadJohn,

Well... we can't tell what's going on, but I can guess.

Your W doesn't really know what she wants. She told you that she contacted lawyers, but she didn't. What that means is that she was trying to manipulate you in some way. Think about it. Why would she tell you that when it wasn't true?

She's playing you a little - trying to see how you will respond. I think she wants you to fight for her. She wants to be the prize that two men struggle for.

This can be used to your advantage.

Does she call you often?

When she calls, try to be calm, collected, polite and warm.

No whining! No begging!

If you have to get your doc to give you some anti-depresant meds, do that.

Did you read the material in TooMuchCoffeeMan's collection?

Get the book - "Surviving an Affair", by Harley. Start with that. You've got to get a program and stick with it. At this stage, it's so easy just to flail about helplessly if you don't have a plan.

-AD

I had not been drinking until this started. I am working but there is no chance for advancement. The only mess in the house is hers and I will be taking care of that tonight. The military is the option I will pick only if she leaves for her OM. If she stays to work this out I will go to school. I cannot wait for too long because I am already 26 and 27 is the age limit. You have to be out of basic before your 28th birthday. So if the divorce takes 6 months or more I will be left pretty close in time. I will have to sell everything and join up almost instantly.

More....

I should have told you in the first post. My W moved out 3 1/2 years ago - said she wanted a D etc. etc. But... we are back together now. It's still rough. She's talking divorse again and back in contact with the other man, but I've just got to stick with it and be patient.

It's not over til it's over.

Don't do anything to help your W divorce you right now. Don't struggle agaist it either. Let her do all the work herself. Time is on your side.

-AD

SJ,

I know you're on here and I hope some other experienced guys will come along to help you.

I've got to work now, and probably won't be back on for the rest of the day.

-AD

I have already messed up then. I told her that I have the number. What excuse should I use to avoid giving it to her? After last night I really am almost ready to give up because I have no time for the garbage she is giving me. I have been on a string for years now and it is time for her to grow up and stop trying to find 'Daddy" in all the guys she meets. I am just so hurt by her right now that I have no interest in talking to her at all for a while. If she calls me I will be friendly but I will not start getting into anything with her. The other day she called me just to tell me how awful I had been and like an idiot I fell for and just agreed with it all. Wow if I had only knew what I know now I would have not accepted any of it. She has lied to,cheated,and used me for all of this time and I still trusted her. She has no right to come to me and talk down to me about my mistakes anymore. I will be as supportive as I can but I really do not trust her at all right now. I can hardly believe that she has been playing me for all of this time. Her whole family is playing me. I really did not give this marriage my all but she gave less than anybody ever thought. I just cannot believe that she told me to just trust her and I would be fine. She still stabbed me in the back and is blaming it on me. Should I call her about the number or should I just let It go for now? I am just shocked and appalled that she would be able to do this to me. I have tried to be there for her but she still went to other men for help. Will she ever change? I just dont have 3 years to find out. HOW DARE SHE BLAME ALL OF THIS ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SadJohn,

If you told her you would give her the number, then give it to her. It's a very small thing and won't make much difference. You say she works with a lot of folks who are getting divorced. If she's asking you for the number of a lawyer, then maybe the folks at her work don't know what's going on. In any case, she can find a phonebook easily enough, but she's asking you.

Why?
Think about it.

She depends on you - trusts you in some way.

Be strong man! This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. Pace yourself. Do things for yourself. Find some things that give you enjoyment in life - that give you strength to go on.

You admit that you have not put enough into the marriage. Maybe this is her way of tring to stir you up. Not a nice way, but run with it. I very much believe that you have a good chance here.

One thing I found very helpful was to come to the point where I understood that I would be fine without her. That freed me from thinking of all this as a catastrophe. When you know that you are going to be OK either way - it make it easier to think clearly and do what you need to do to succeed.

Try to make yourself the best husband you can be. If it doesn't work out, you will have learned something - and will have built yourself up and made yourself better for whatever comes afterwards. You can't lose by doing that. You're still young. There is no rush to divorce her. I know it hurts! Oh man, does it hurt!

But... don't cut and run now. Show her your best stuff! You have nothing to lose.

-AD

Now, I really, really must focus on my job and get off of here....