Hello- and thank you to all who read my posts!
My Husband and I are getting a long well, so much sometimes that I think we squablle just to remind ourselves why we are divorcing.
I've not gotten downright ugly, and I doubt I would, but we did argue the other day because I told him of my thankfulness and appreciation of having the opportunity to marry him and get to know him better, but he reacted in a funny way to hearing that, and his reaction was one I hadn't expected and it upset me.
That's what I get for having expectations. I wish there was some way to just turn them off!
He is who he is. He is my friend, and I think my family member.
I'm planning on moving out of town in Decemeber/ January to a town 1-2 hours away. I don't need to move there right now, but I will by next year, and rather than move out now into some temporary place just to move again this time next year seems silly.
The only glitch is my son and I moved to this neighborhood in June and he had to start a new school (5th grade) already this fall. Moving him 2 times in one year sounds like something he migt not recover from so well, but I've been thinking he'd come with me because he is my son (not my husband's).
My sister lives across town and offered just this morning to let him live with her. She works nights, but not all that often. She'd have touble getting him to school on mornings she works nights since there's no school bus from her side of town to this side.
But maybe my son could stay here on those nights she works?
Or if she starts to work days, she'd have to go to work too early to coincide school, but she could bring him here and he could eat breakfast with my H before going off to school?
I don't know. He's already done so much, I hate to ask him for any special favors, and this is very special.
My sister and son adore each other, so there's no problem there, and she has 3 guest rooms.
Also, I can come on weekends an holidays, as well as they will come visit me. It would be cheaper to move just me- on my own I can live anywhere. But wiht him, I have to be more selective in the house I choose.
Also, if I move now, I don't have to do a big move, just a little one and put the rest in storage. Leave it here?
The thing is that I'm sure it would be Ok with my H to leave it here-- he's not going to have any furniture when I leave-- but part of me thinks maybe he doesn't want the reminders? Maybe I don't want him to have it? Maybe it's best for a clean break to stay friends?
In that case, should I ask him if he'll help with my sister and me with my son?
Wow, this is way more complicated than I thought it would be. Not like an emotional minefield, or anything, but it;s so hard to gague how enmeshed we'll be once I leave.
Part of me wants to be gone. End of story. Hear of him every so often, think well of each other. Maybe one day he'll come through town and eat dinner with us. Another partof me can't imagine not knowing him in some capacity.
Not as in my life depends on it, but what was the point of getting to know him just to go off and not have anything to do with each other anymore?
I'm a tad perplexed as I don't know any one who hs gotten divorced that didn't share kids and needed to know each other after wards.
Lucy

Lucy, I think you should talk to the school counselor or another child counselor. What would be more traumatic for a 10 year old? Changing schools? Or losing mom? And that's how he's going to feel it. Mom left.

We're not talking an 18 year old in 12th grade. We're talking 5th grade. I really think some expert advice is warranted.

Personally, I would say take the child with you. As much as my girls love their aunt, I know they'd rather live in a studio apartment with me, then a 4 bedroom house with her.

However, I'm not an expert and I don't know your son.

Good luck whatever you decide.

lucycakes,

I've been following some of your posts lately and I have a little bit of an Idea of what your going through but there are a few things with this post that really bother me.

Hope you don't feel I'm being hard on you but here it is!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can come on weekends an holidays, as well as they will come visit me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK I assume you are talking about visiting YOUR SON while he lives with your sister.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It would be cheaper to move just me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your talking about it COSTING YOU LESS TO MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR CHILD rather than move with your child right!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> on my own I can live anywhere. But wiht him, I have to be more selective in the house I choose. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it will be easier for you to not have a child!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, if I move now, I don't have to do a big move, just a little one and put the rest in storage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again it will be easier for you to not have a child!

This post ends sounding like you are concerned with how things are with you and H but it sounds to me like you are trying to justify being on your own.

Your son can adapt to changing schools and friends. If he stays the rest of the year, it would probably be harder for him to leave.

Sorry if i seem harsh but This post shows me selfishness and lack of concern for what is best for your son.

He is your son. He should be with you. If you need to leave and he should be with you, then he should be with you!

WIWH

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

Greengables and WIWH
GG:Thank you for mentioning this is one for the child experts. You are right on that one.
I'm not horrible, but my son and I have had nothing but a roller coaster for 5 straight years-- since his dad died. It's been whirlwhind after whirlwind. WE moved right after the memorial service and stayed put for a little over 4 years, but in that time, I was greiving, came out of greif, met my H, fell in love, and got married. My relationship with my son changed rapidly during all of this. BUt It all seemed good-- we were starting a family. then we started fighting...so he felt change again, and this time it was unsettling, like the sudden death had been: scary.
MOre change around the corner when we moved to H's house in June after being seperated from him for 5 months.
NOw that we're all moved in, it hasn't been six months yet and we are divorcing, and I'm back in school. I feel like I have been a shoddy parent and my son deserves better.
I know I"d be crushed without him in my life, we need each other, but I'm actually trying to NOT be selfish this time. He has told me he doesn't want to move with me. What do I do? Tell him it's for the best and make him and deal with the resentment? The thing is that we'd only need to move to the other town for 1.5 years, so it's only a temporary move as it is... again, more change for my son, who is innocent.
All in all, I think I know what to do, but when my sister offered to take my son (just until summer so he can finish out this school year), with visits on weekends, I had to look at what moving him/more change in his life because of me and my agenda, will do to him.
I have to move out of H's house. The market around here is high, and I can't afford a 2 bedroom. My sister's offer is generous, and I can't accept it. I cannot, as much as I might like to. I'd never live it down with myself if I did.
Perhaps she'll let us both move in with her until summer? Then we'll only be moved for a year. I just don't know if her and my relationship is built for that. SHe's 12 years my senior, and we don't know each other very well-- she's a bit of a control freak, but is a gracious hostess. So, I'm not sure about living wiht her. Part of the problem wiht my H is his control issues. So!
Slight quandry, but nothing I can't handle. I'm sure something will happen as it should.
WIWH- thank you for the forthright response. I hope this posting clears up any confusion. I didn't realize how disjointed that letter was.
My son is the best thing that ever happened to me and he's my pride and joy. I'd hate him to think I dont want him. It's bad enough he might feel abandoned by his dad, and maybe now by my H.
Sometimes I am so mad at God for this.... he's really a darling boy who deserves a good dad. I wish I could give him one.
Lucy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perhaps she'll let us both move in with her until summer? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds like the best Idea to me. It may be rough on you but think of the end result.

You will be making things easier for your son and staying with him at the same time