perhaps i'm not in the right forum as i'm not legally married, but i'm about to leave my co-habitating man and it feels like a divorce.

i'm at my wits end and my ambivalence complicates the process - i'm stagnating and need some advice.

i've been with my man for a little more than two years. i'm 32 and he's 33. we've lived together a little less than two years (took 6 mos to move in together) and it's the first time either of us live with someone.

he comes from a family where his parents are still married, with no major emotional ups and downs and have lived in the same area his whole life. i come from a family where my parents divorced when i was 5. we moved from norway to sweden, where my mother married another man. while married the second time, major ups and downs occured and coloured me. i became independent, i.e. did not lean on anyone for emotional support.

so, what's my problem? firstly, my man lives in australia, where we met. i've lived there for two years and for some reason i don't really like it that much. odd perhaps, as it is a beautiful country. i just don't feel at home. my man loves australia and does not want to move away from there. ever. he says he loves me too, and i believe him, yet he is not willing to try to live in sweden. or europe for that matter. the door is completely closed and because of that i cannot relax. how can i possibly give him the rest of my life when i know that i won't live in sweden (with him) again?

he's loyal and i feel so safe with him. i need safety and dependability, probably because of unstable childhood. i love him. he is a good man.

i believe in god. he doesn't. that's ok. or, i thought it was ok. he really does not like god. he does not like christian behaviour and takes every opportunity to make negative remarks about god or religion. i've asked him not to as i take offense. he jokes about it and thinks i'm a bit too sensitive. perhaps i am. regardless, if a behaviour upsets me, shouldn't he consider my feelings, or are feelings over-valued? as for kids (there are none), we've talked and agreed on how to raise them, in regards to religion. he accepts most things that i want to do. the problem is his cynisism which affects the atmosphere a lot. is that really healthy?

i'm currently in sweden to think about my life. i miss him so much sometimes. i miss his arms around me. we can have an ok life together. i sure.

then, when i talk of travel, there are problems. he doesn't want to work lots (he his an outdoorsy type and want to be in the ocean lots). for me to emigrate, i need to know that there is support for me/us to go home at least once every 18 mos. one would think he'd be happy about that trade, but the attitude is negative. "hope you'll get a job where you make lots of money" is the comment i get. that worries me.

we have fun with friends. we go out for dinner, camping and other things. we have fun together. he loves animals. he has a kind heart towards animals. a cynical heart towards people. was bullied in school.

i have a dream. i've studied many years to find an opportunity to work with int'l organizations and/or human rights. i'm willing to move for a job. he is not. well, only if it's close to the ocean and in australia or new zealand. he says it's my dream - he has no desire to move for a job, if that would happen.

we can live in a house, have a family, have a cat and a dog. we can become a family.

he has not been to sweden yet. he thinks is too expensive. i've offered to pay for flight (while waiting for visa, he supported me), close to us$2000. i want him to meet grandma. i want him to meet my brothers and see where i'm from. he thought about it and said no. too expensive, plus, it's summer in oz and he doesn't want to miss the wind (windsurfer as he is). he has never been to sweden. he was supposed to come a year and half ago, but complained about the money the whole time, which i got tired of and said he didn't have to come if it was such an obstacle. for a cheaper price, he went to fiji and i went home alone.

but he loves me. although, after a month of becoming intimate he said he had to become better in that area, that he would work on being more frequent. that early? but i see the love in his eyes. he really likes to have me around.

but it doesn't seem like he's willing to give me of his time. he seems to be willing to let me go if i say i want to live in sweden, or somewhere else.

i'm trying to make the right decision. i'm trying to think long-term. but my feelings and fear of losing him gets in the way of rational thinking.

sorry about the length.

i'm not sure what i want you guys to say. i just know that i'm like a wound inside and soo tired of hurting and feeling responsible for the outcome of our relationsip.

Hi Lyds,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and sorry to welcome you here. I really have only one comment to make and I hope that I don't offend you. But it seems to me, for you not to be married to this man (and that might as well be a blessing)you are sacrificing a whole lot to be with him. This whole love affair that you are having sounds to be one sided. In your whole post I not once heard anything that shows his love for you.

Not one thing! So what are you holding onto really? If he doesn't want to even compromise which by your words he has shown you or more than one occasion. Why would you want to live like that? What would you gain from being with him? I think deep down you have answered your own questions.

Just know that your decision will effect the rest of your life. So now you must decide how you want to live it?

JT

“””i believe in god. he doesn't.”””

That’s a deal breaker for me.

“””he really does not like god. he does not like christian behaviour and takes every opportunity to make negative remarks about god or religion.”””

And you moved in with him because?

“””i've asked him not to as i take offense.”””

Not to thump a bible or anything, but Satan is always trying to recruit new followers.

“””if a behaviour upsets me, shouldn't he consider my feelings?”””

Only if he loves and cares about you.

“””as for kids (there are none), we've talked and agreed on how to raise them, in regards to religion.”””

Unless you plan on raising them without religion then I highly doubt that you’ve agreed on anything.

“””is that really healthy?”””

NOPE but neither is “Christian’s” co-habitating.

jt and losthusband,

i understand that it may seem that he doesn't do much for me since he's unwilling to compromise. perhaps it my lack of serious relationships - maybe i don't know what i can expect from someone who loves me. in my opinion, he has done things for me. while waiting for the visa, he financially supported me, which i really appreciate, especially since i don't like being in a position where i have to depend too much on someone else. he makes dinner for me, more than i do for him (he likes to cook) and on saturday mornings he goes out and buys fresh bread and makes me breakfast. he's really sweet that way.

...i don't want to sound cynical and unappreciative... but he does things for me that he would otherwise do for himself. doing things for me that he doesn't enjoy is a different story.

why did i move in with him? i think i thought i was ready for it. i was 30 years old and had never lived with anyone before and was curious about it. i was in love. great. i now know that making major decision while in the honemoon phase is not wise. as for his sarcasm about religion, it was not as evident before. it became more and more evident as time went by. i don't want to paint a bad picture of him, but perhaps i should've stepped back and looked at the situation that evening when he pressed a witchcross-drawing on my forehead. i don't think he realized what he did. i am not a highly-strung christian - love theology and base faith on facts rather than emotions - but what he did offended me a lot. fine, he had to learn that the hard way since we hadn't talked about my limits, but his reaction, that he thought i overreacted and was silly, was worse than the action.

maybe i'm just blind. maybe he doesn't love me that much. or maybe his definition of love is different from mine. well, sometimes i'm not sure i know what love is. i do believe that love includes giving and in that aspect i don't feel very loved. he indirectly says that if i don't live there, he's willing to let me go. without even trying to live in the northern hemisphere. perhaps that's just it, he doesn't love me enough.

Lyds,
You know, the sad thing is that he might love you as much as he is able, but it doesn't sound like it would be enough for me, if I were in your shoes.
I do beleive tho that two people who are in love can have different ideas of what that means to each other. My H and I have this difficulty (and that is one of the reasons I'm on the Divorcing forum and not the resolving conflict forum!)
I think my H DOES love me- the most he can, as best as he beleives he is able. I appreciate this, and there have been times when just knowing he's trying has been enough for me. But now I see that it's not fulfilling for him to have to try so much-- he's a broken record in saying "look how I've changed!" And reminding me that he DOES like to cuddle now, that he DOES reach out for just plain affection.
He does those things and in my definition of love, no one is perfect. that I can see he's trying without him pointing it out is enough for me becasue I know no one is going to be perfect at loving me the way I need.
It sounds like your man isn't even willing to try. Maybe he's a sweet natured man, and maybe that can take up to a certain point, but he has to leave his comfort zone and try if he wants the real deal. From the sounds of things, he doesn't.
Maybe he just isn't ready?
A lot of the athletic acheiver types have trouble with the idea of settling down-- this is a problem with us as well. My H is avid ice climber, golfer, biker, skier,,, before he met me his dream was to travel around the world at all the good surf spots on the planet (including oz and NZ or course!). I said "Sounds good to me. Can I tag along?" but of course we knew I was joking because I have a son. If things were different.... but they aren't.
Alas, I must listen to his inadvertant attempts to push me away, and to his emotional volatility that wants to scream he's incontent and that we aren't a good match.
The thing is, if he's not ready, but somehow pulls through for you and says "ok, let's go to Sweden" in the long run, if he's the sort of person my husband is, he'll remind you he did that For YOU, and it will always be a "Thing" between you.
Hopefully he's not like my H. Unfortunately, there's only one way to find out. It might actually be easier if he holds his current position and doesn't tempt you with ideas of settling down, or following you.
Do what you need to to take care of yourself. If he loves you for real and needs you and wants you in his life, it will happen. Maybe not on your time frame, but it will.
Trust it.
Lucy

lyds,

Having just finalized a divorce from a man I loved (and still do) for 23 years, almost 20 of those as a married couple....

My comment to you if you are a Christian is to walk...no, maybe RUN away now.

As hard as it is, don't let yourself end up in a relationship where you give and give and you think "he doesn't do this or that, but maybe it's enough". It won't be enough. Maybe it will be for you, but as time goes on, you will either have to compromise more and more, or he will grow tired of things and distant as you wait for him to change, and I fear you'll only have invested more years of your life in a relationship that ultimately isn't what you need or deserve, and one that will most likely end at some time anyway.

First, if he doesn't like God, that is a MAJOR issue if you are a Christian! My X claimed to be a Christian, but just didn't live it (thus I will NOT judge what is in his heart), but that was very difficult to live with. Your situation would be even more difficult.

And I'm with LH's comment about Christians and living together. Not a good idea.

Yes, it'd be hard to leave him. But I fear it will be a lot more painful if you invest even more years, and then things don't work out, or you end up having children.

LL

thanks for your time and input to my situation,lucycakes and lordslady. i really ought to listen to people like yourselves, who unfortunately has had to go through what it seems like i have to go through as well.

i just talked to him again, last night. before we talked i was pretty set in my head. i thought. i've been convinced that i have to leave what we have, but after talking with him, i just feel sad again.

he was rather upset yesterday. annoyed with the fact that he's there waiting for me to make up my mind. you see, he wants to settle down. he wants to have children, a house with a yard, a dog, a cat and the babe. listening to him, it sounds like i'm the 'bad' guy. sometimes i feel like i am the bad one. he wants to settle down and live a family life. he makes it sound like i'm the one who is a commitment phobe. that i don't want to come back.

if he would be open to the possibility of living somewhere else than in sydney, i would not worry as much (although, as much as i try to be blind to other things, i know that i can only be blind for so long).

sometimes i just want to give in and say, ok, i'll be back there next month. i did this, i said this a few weeks ago, but i wasn't feeling it. so here i am. still indecisive.

i don't understand this ambivalence in myself. i didn't use to be this ambivalent. what am i so scared of? i dread hurting him, maybe that's part of it. maybe i worry i'll leave my opportunity for a family life. then again, even though children is a priority of mine, in this situation it is not. perhaps it's the safety/trust issue. i can trust him. i guess it's not enough.

question for you - how long did it take you guys to finally take action? how long did you contemplate moving on, or how long did you have the intuition that it wouldn't work out, before you called it quits?