Hi - I am brand new tonight though I have been visiting this site and discussion forums quite a bit for a few weeks now.

I have been married for 7 1/2 yrs to a man who I thought was the greatest thing in the world. I knew we had our issues and such and that neither one of us was perfect but I had never doubted his loyalty or committment for a minute.

30 days ago on his 31st birthday he told me that he didn't love me anymore - hasn't in a while - and that he wants out. I also found out that night that he is having an emotional affair with someone in another state that he knows from work - as far as I can tell this has been going on for about 2 months now.

From the beginning he has said that this person has nothing to do with any of this - that he has been quite unhappy and contemplating leaving for sometime - though he certainly has never said anything at all to me about how unhappy he was until this night. I think it's a bunch of bull. While it may be true that he has been unhappy for awhile - he has never displayed such anger and pure hatred for me before and I don't believe for a minute that he would've ever contmplated leaving his wife and 3 yr old son if it wasn't for this other person.

I am a Christian and when this first happened I immediately cried out to God and have clung to Him every minute since then. I continue to stand amazed at the depths of His peace. For the past month I pretty much have not said much to him at all - From that night on since he told me- he has pretty much left it at "I don't know if or when I am leaving" and kind of just left me hanging.

The worst mistake I made so far was telling his family. I went to them seeking help and guidance becasue they are also Christians and I was desperate to do anything in the beginning to get him to stay at least for ahwile for the sake of our 3 yr old and to give God some time to work.

Unfortunately they all took it as I was just trying to turn them (his parents & brother& sister-in-law) against him and that it was not my place to tell them - it was his. Whether or not it was a mistake in and of itself to tell them - it has done nothing but give him an excuse to hate me even more and a place to focus his anger and try to turn it all around to be my fault.

I have made my share of mistakes in this marriage and have been fully willing to admit those and infact a week after this all came out I went to him and repented - asked for forgiveness for my part.

I have told him over and over that I am willing to whatever lengths we have to - to save this marriage.

As I said before - I have pretty much remained quiet and just continued leaning on the Lord this whole time even though I been dealt some pretty hard blows - I have continued cooking, cleaning, working, etc. all while trying to treat him with the utmost respect and kindness. I have not said one mean word to him or yelled or anything - not even after getting a $400+ cell phone bill last month from him calling her.

But after today I couldn't keep quiet anymore. When I went to put our son down for his nap he went looking for his dad to give him and hug and kiss and lo and behold here he is outside in our driveway just laughing and talking to her like it's nothing. Up until now he usually just talks to her at work and on his way home or when I'm not around - but now he is bringing it into our home -

So again tonight I tried to talk to him calmly and he just started yelling and screaming at me about how this is all my fault and said "I don't give a rat's behind about you" except he was swearing at me and ended up supposedly leaving for the night except I guess he had nowhere to go cause' I found him sleeping in his truck out in the driveway and he has since came in and went to bed for the night I guess.

I have tried to do everything I know to do - I'm in church everytime the doors are open - I'm seeking out counselors - though my 2 main appts are not until Dec 13th and 15th. I've been reading every book I can get my hands on, praying unceasingly, etc. Talking to him at this point is just useless - no matter what I say or how kind I say it - he doesn't hear a word of it - his heart is so hard right now and he's just completely irrational.

Do I just continue being quiet? Do I say - if you're not willing to work on this at all - or at least stop calling your girlfriend at our house then you need to go for now?

I just need some help figuring out what my next step should be. Thanks.

You did the right thing in exposing to his family. Remember that this isn't just about you -- it's about a 3 year old who needs a Dad at home.

If you can find out who the person is, expose to that person's family. Expose at work, even though they would laugh at you -- depending on the work environment, it may be viewed as a big joke.

Recognize that this is a trauma for you of unbelievable proportions. My H broke my arm when I was 12 days out of surgery, including a hysterectomy, and I told the anger management therapist he went to see that his admitting to having lunch with her two months before hurt 20 times worse than the broken arm.

In a loving but resolute manner, expose the affair now -- before he leaves the house -- to your pastor, your family, his work, his friends... You may think you are burning bridges with him by doing this, and he would certainly view it as a betrayal, but because he is not gone, he is right now enjoying her company and not facing reality. Dr. Harley calls having an affair "the fog", and the best way for fog to dissipate is in the light of day.

I feel differently today than I did when the affair came out 2 1/2 years ago. I thought we could never get past his feelings for her, but you can. He needs to turn. The best thing you can do is to help him by exposing it.

Cherished


PS Try posting on General Questions II.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>