I'm new here, and this is my first post, and it is going to be a long one.

I have been married for 8 years. We dated for 4 years prior, 2 of the years long distant.

We had great sex for the first two years of dating, once a month sex during the two years apart, and after marriage the sex was less than pathetic, both in greatness and frequency.

However, we knew then and even know now that we love each other very much. We had a big wedding, because she has a huge family. Family is a major thing to my wife's side of the family. They are like a tribe...very knowledgable about one another's situations and very nosy and not afraid to give their two cents.

I always loved my wife's family. Part of marrying her was that she had a family I always thought I wanted to have.

However, I was wrong.

After living down south, I shut down my business because it wasn't going where I needed it to go. Paid off all creditors and moved to California. Wife didn't want to do this, however, our options were limited and law school was where I was going. We fought over this endlessly, but she had no other alternatives.

We moved out here and I was constantly reminded about how we were going to move back. I wanted to buy a house while in school before the housing bubble, but she refused, saying we were moving back asap.

I graduated and she worked while I did law school. I had money so she did not support us.

After graduation, it took me several times to pass the bar. Overall she was supportive, however, she urged pursuing other avenues for a career. Mother in law was totally not supportive and pretty much demanded I do something else. However, she did not get her way.

Last year we had our first child, in December. I had not yet passed the bar exam yet. In fact, two weeks prior to the arrival of our baby, I received negative results for the prior bar I worked so hard for.

Mother in law was coming to CA for the arrival of our baby. She was fairly upset about the bar. Wife told her that she was to refrain from speaking about the bar exam, employment, etc.

However, in the delivery room while my wife was in labor for 14 hours, MIL began acting up. Asking questions about the bar. Asking questions about my career.

She ruined the entire day for my mother and brother, who were also in attendance. My wife's day was not ruined, as she was focused AND in denial of what was going on.

So the day was ruined. The day dragged into the night. The baby was coming and MIL and the others were asked to leave the delivery room. MIL stayed outside the door yelling over and over about how she wanted to come in and when she could see the baby. It was into 2am and she had no concern for other guests of the hospital.

They were allowed in for a few minutes, until the baby was to be breast fed. The MD asked that everyone else leave so my wife and I could introduce the baby to breast feeding. MIL left for a second, but wormed her way back into the room. She was very anti-breast feeding and glared at my wife like a hawk.

I then found out that visiting hours for us ended in one hour. I requested that MIL and my mother leave and go home, as it was late. She refused. I told her that my wife and I desired private time, and she refused. I had to threaten police to get her out of the room, ultimately.

She screamed and yelled at me and my mother in front of my wife and the doctors. She finally left.

I went home that night at roughly 3am. MIL was waiting up for me. She screamed and yelled at me about how much she hated me and how much she desired that she, my wife and new child would leave with her. I ignored her and went to bed.

The next day I offered MIL an olive branch. I told her I would forget the last night and lets move on. She agreed.

However, later that day we found out we were able to go home. We were all at the hospital again when we found this out. Originally, our plans had been to have people at our home when we arrived with the baby. However, after MILs stunts, I suggested that wife and I take baby home without anyone there. MIL threw her second fit in the hospital in front of tons of people. I told her to go buy a plane ticket and get on it, that she was not staying the next 23 days as planned.

My wife and I got home and we were miserable. MIL had yelled at everyone. She yelled at my mom for 2.5 hours as they decorated our home for our arrival, telling her that our divorce was her goal.

That night, wife and MIL talked me into MIL staying the 23 days. I was miserable. The next day I pretty much got so angry I told my wife either MIL was going home or I was leaving. MIL was sent home on a plane that day. Before leaving, she held my 1 day old baby screaming at me that I was dead and that her family hated me and they would never have anything to do with me again. Wife said nothing.

MIL went home and I have not talked to her or anyone in that side of the family since. They actually cut me out of Xmas and any other event. MIL actually unwrapped things she had brought and took them back with her when she left. That is okay, I'm not bothered about it. Just included it so as to help with understanding who I am dealing with.

So anyway, I studied hard and passed the February bar exam. Studied all during January and February. So now my career is not in question for the other side of the family.

This is where the story gets to my wife and I. My wife has very strong bonds with her family. She lets them steamroll her and says nothing, even asking for more. So all year, we have argued about the limitations placed on her family.

She wanted me to forgive and forget. I couldn't. I wanted her to live by her mothers own words: I am dead now, I am not welcome in their home, she would never visit, her family would hate me. I did not choose this, this woman did. However, my wife worked on me all year to allow them to come to our home again.

So I began to see my wife as the enemy. We argued almost daily this year about the status of her family. I never suggested that she not see her family...I suggested that she take our child to Kentucky to visit family, but that they never come here again. She couldn't live with that.

We worked out a compromise that allowed her mother to come to our home twice per year but stay in a hotel. However, my wife, who should have seen it as a good deal for her, fought it still, and begged for me to go back to things as usual. This went on for months.

My wife suggested counseling, but I refused because it appeared that she only suggested it when I wouldn't give in. There is a trait in my wife's family that if you give an inch they automatically fight for the mile.

Along with the two visits per year, my wife somehow got me to agree to include her family in the baptism of our child the very same weekend as the birthday. I hated this idea, as this was also the anniversary of MIL's murdering the family relationship.

Against my will, I agreed to let them come. However, my wife kept fighting for more.

I ultimately concluded that nothing was going to be good enough for my wife, so I decided that her mother would never enter our house again, and that she would not poison our good times again. I told her to cancel the baptism/birthday and to tell the in-laws to cancel their tickets...

During this entire year I have thought about divorce. My wife is 100% emotions and no logic and reason. Her mother could burn her face with an iron and she would turn and give her a hug.

In considering divorce, I had much to consider. The baby...our 8 years down the drain...whatever.

However, the most important thing I considered was my wife. I realized how much she DID NOT support me. When I wanted to buy an investment condo, she required me to begin working to get her pregnant as a trade, as if I wanted what I wanted she had to have what she wanted. I wanted a kid, but wanted to pass the bar exam first. Wife wanted a kid no matter what. I didn't like her bargain but gave in.

Every year I buy NBA season tickets. I sell them on eBay and make lots of money, but every year it is an argument with wife. Anything about money is a major argument with wife.

I cannot ever select what is on television. It is her way or bust.

We fight daily over the thermostat.

We fight daily over ways to save our household some money.

Sex is terrible. She is not affectionate whatsoever, and I find it hard that she will be.

As far as intelligence, she and I are on totally different levels. Conversations are mind-numbing with her.

When we go on vacation, I want to see the sights, she wants to go to the local mall and shop. We argue over this.

She has no hobbies whatsoever. I have many. We argue over how to spend our free time because she must be entertained.

HOWEVER, she is a beautiful person, has a good heart, has good intentions, and is very decent. She is just a product of her parents, who are not interesting people in the least.

Now, two months ago a woman approached me as I sat on a parkbench. We talked and one thing led to another, where we were having coffee and lunch often. Things never got intimate, but they could have.

Wife found out about this at the end of October. Now all of our problems are the girl I met. We have done counseling, but wife is in denial as she now has a scapegoat.

Wife now wants to work things out. She has thrown me out twice over November, yet after cooling off wants me back.

However, before she threw me out and before she even found out about the girl, who I was not pursuing romantically, I told my wife I was fed up with the in-law arguments, and also told her about everything else I had considered over the year, about her not being my teammate and the constant fighting.

When I was getting ready to leave the last time, after moving out twice and moving in twice, she called her mother and laid it out. She told me her family would never come to our home again. Basically, she is agreeing to work on everything and giving me what I was after all year long.

However, I had come to the conclusion that being single was right for me now. I had concluded that I had no faith in my wife. I had concluded that it would be okay, even good for my baby, if she lived in a house where the spoused did not fight. Deciding to leave your child is not easy. I would see her daily still, however, I would not be at home anymore.

So I am home now and am working to make it better. However, I look at my wife totally different now. I find it hard to see a future in us. I think that it was so hard to conclude to leave her, and I was able to convince myself that it was best for me, and even the child, that I now have to convince myself that it is best to stay. Right now, I feel I should be moving on.

In case you wonder, I have not talked to the girl in over a month and have no plans to.

So, I'm hoping that some of you have some tips on how to think about this whole mess. I am in counseling with my wife but think the counselor is somewhat out there.

Please advise. I'll check back often to answer any questions.

Wow, that sounds tough to deal with. I'm sure others can give you more advice than I; but my first thought is that your wife needs to leave her family and be married to just you. While parents can sometimes be a wise resource, the marriage is between you two and only you. Unfortunately, you probly can't "never" see your MIL again, as I'm sure she wants contact with her grandbaby; so somehow you and your wife will have to agree to put up a united front towards her family.

Best wishes.

Huh, I'ts interesting. ON one hand, you two no longer have anything in common-- you went to law school and she didn't. This happens. Someone goes on in education or career and surpasses in the intellect of the other. NOt to mention you two were really differnt from the get go from the sounds of things.
But, like you alluded to, you could have done worse. She's a decent person with good intentions and inner beauty. If she's a good mom, then it's just the wife role she needs to figure out.
I'd go easier on her. She had a lot going on-- her ties to her famly changing, loyalty issues for her sounded like an inner turmoil I"m sure we don't all appreciate. PLus, it sounds like her mom is very unstable.
In this day and age when divorce happens at the drop of a hat, it can feel alot safer to invest with your blood relatives than with your spouse. I mean, you know you'll always have the blood relatives for fmaily, but you never can count on a spouse. Perhaps?
I dunno.
BUt being a new mom, your career up in the air, etc, she's had a lot on her plate. If she hasn't been supportive to you it could be because she's trying to take care of herself and the baby, and her mom, and you, and etc etc....
Just a thoght
Lucy