My divorce was final today.

So now, since my marriage will not be one of the ones that survive an A, recover, and be healthy, I must move from marital recovery to personal recovery.

Any insights on where to start with that?

I am very involved with my church, recently hired a personal trainer to help with my health and fitness, and super focused on work, but just wondered what "Plan" I should be on now...feel kinda like I need some sort of a gameplan...as I do not want to be one of those stuck, bitter, emotionally bankrupted people!

NOT EVER GONNA MARRY AGAIN.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong>Any insights on where to start with that?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hindsight being 20/20 and all there is one thing I would of worked on early on in my post divorce days and that's forgiveness. I actually forgave my X rather quickly but held on to resentments against myself.

So I would take out the old scratch pad and write out all the resentments I had against my X and all the resentments I had against myself, even if they sound silly. I would then pray for forgiveness and ask God to take any character defects that I had. Then take that list of resentments and burn it.

That would be a good starting place. I would then make a list of everything that I am grateful for in my life and put that list up on the frig so I could see it every day.

Let me tell you from experience, life is so much better when your heart is filled with forgiveness and gratitude.

Strikingly similar dates some of yours are to mine. And like you, my marriage didn't survive either, though I was the one who made that choice by filing, I suppose.

You sound like you have your act very together. (You also sound like you have a LOT more energy than I have! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I think LH has some good ideas there. I have, for the most part, forgiven my X and sort of have forgiven the OW, though I still don't like her very well and don't trust her AT ALL. For the most part, I feel very sorry for both of them. Spent a fair amount of time praying for them on my way to work.

As for me, though, I do think I need to forgive myself or at least like myself better. I think it's probaby key to healing from all thus stuff.

Sorry you ended up over here on D/D. I never would have guessed even a year ago that I'd find myself in this position. I'm sure you didn't either. But we'll come out stronger than we went in.

Are you serious about never marrying again? That's one on my bigger struggles as a single person. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Just am afraid I will anyway.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> As for me, though, I do think I need to forgive myself or at least like myself better. I think it's probaby key to healing from all thus stuff.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ding, Ding, Ding. We have a winner. You are the only person in the whole scenario that you can control and ultimately you are the only person that you need to hold accountable. I do know that my early days were spent on learning to forgive X and OM and people who I felt contributed but I was still unable to find peace and happiness within myself and it literally drove me insane.

Then part of my alcohol treatment was to give up all my resentments. I started with a sheet of paper and began writing from my 1st memories. For each "resentment" I'd write a 3 - 4 line explanation/history and when I finished it covered probably 20 pages. Of those 20 pages, I'm quite sure there was atleast one still dedicated to my X and one to my father but by in large on the whole, most of them were resentments against myself.

When I was finally able to quite playing God in my life and gave all that crap to Him to carry, I became a new man. Had I been able to do that without turning to the insanity of substance abuse, but then again through my trials I learned humility.

LL:

Our stories were very similiar...in fact, in the beginning, I would read your posts almost religiously. Then later, because it all did sound so familiar, I would avoid them. It hurt to read your experiences, because, well, they sounded VERY familiar in so many ways. I was even the one who filed (I was noted as the petitioner, when, in all actuality, we filed together, after his prompting to divorce, which he worked on for about 4 months until I finally agreed). I guess in retrospect, I should have told him I did not want a divorce no matter what, although, biblically I was obviously released of the responsibility. I am guessing had I taken that route, I would just have been married to a man forever, who was functioning as if we were no longer married for almost a year now...just this past weekend he told me of the women who were "interested" in him.

Although, we have a lot in common, I think it needs to be said that you did a better job of remaining Godly in your choices, no matter how difficult that was. You should be proud of that.

As far as never remarrying, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, then sit in another courtroom like I did today. And by most people's standards, our divorce was a "amicable one." We agreed on all terms prior to filing, etc.

But to sit in that room, and have all my hopes, dreams, my love, my committment, all of it trivialized to a 3 minute formality and a signed paper, made me sick. Literally naseated me.

I am wary of any more relationships because, really, quite simply, I do not believe there are many people who are very committed to marriage. And their Christianity, statistically, does not seem to factor in much. In fact, rates of divorce are HIGHER in the Christian community than the non Christian community. And I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever ever ever do this again. And what protects you. My WH was a moral mna, hated adultery, and look where his choices led him.

LH: I will definitely try what you suggested. I am very mad at myself for my part in this...and I think this is a splendid first step in the healing process!