Well.... where to begin? As I write this I am laying somewhat uncomfortably on my parents couch, my temporary bed for the past 2 week since I left my husband. Come to find out after dealing with multiple "d-days" about different aspects of his sexual addiction, mainly just pornography and phone sex, that he actually had been PHYSICALLY cheating on me the first two years of our marraige and during our courtship and engagement with MEN. What the hell?
I thought I married a good honest Christian man, who told me that he would always be faithful to me, who hated pornography and stayed away from it becasue he saw how it wrecked his parents marraige. But instead I married a pathologcal liar who is also a sex addict with homosexual tendencies.
Not to mention that we now have 2 young children. I am so devastated. He used me and lied and lived a double life since we started dating. It makes me sick that I was so fooled and just believed him, believed in his "love" for me. He told me he married me becasue he thought that I could "fix" his struggle with temptations, and that it would make the desire for men go away. Not becasue he loved me, i was just a way of trying to escape his problems. ARGHHHHH! I wanted a man who was IN LOVE with me, wanted to cherish me and honor me and take care me. Protect me. Not use me as means of getting sex.
I thought that was who he was, but i was wrong. he fooled me.

Now I am on my own, about to file for divorce. Going from a full time stay at home mom to a full time working mom. I dont get to enjoy my kids growing up. I mean I will, but not with only a few hours a day together. I am so angry.

I hate that his sin and his lack of integrty and lack of charachter to ask for help sooner, to avoid this sin, for not telling me about it before we had our kids... has just turned my whole world upside down and inside out.

He isnt even repentive. He is so good at saying all the right things but his brain is so warped. Maybe someday we will get remarried if he truly gets his life on track with God and takes on the work in front of him to deal with all of his issues. But as for now he just keeps ripping my heart out over and over again. Ive got to get off this roller coaster and get free from this craziness.

I dont even know how to go about getting child support and alimony and what i need to make sure that I can be a good parent to these kids.

Argh!

Well, I’ll answer the easy part first . . . you said

“I don’t even know how to go about getting child support and alimony and what I need to make sure that I can be a good parent to these kids.”

You need to see an attorney. He will inform you and take care of these issues. If you don’t have the money borrow it from someone. Do not scrimp here; get the best attorney that practices in your area. You will make up the money you spend by getting the best financial settlement for your kids.

I can’t begin to help on the issue of your husband’s bisexuality. I would ask you, if you haven’t already, to get yourself tested for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, AIDS comes to mind as being particularly prevalent in the homosexual community. I just hope that he had enough feelings for you as the mother of his kids to use protection when he engaged in these homosexual acts. I hope he used protection with you as well.

I don’t think that if one is a homosexual, one can will themselves not to be. It is kind of like asking a straight man to no longer be attracted to females and begin to like men.

Melis79,

I'm sorry your going through this--

Have you talked to your pastor about this? Let the men in your church confront him--

They can address this issue with him in a way you can't--they can hold him accountable and offer help in ways you can't--

And yes, it is bibilical to do this--Matt 18.

There are even support groups for those who deal with these addictions and temptations--I'd have to do a search but there is a 28 minute video that deals with some of these issues as well--maybe check the Focus on the Family or Familylife.com websites and see if they have something there--
that you could share with him--


I know this may be easier said than done--but please don't take his sin on as about you--meaning
don't look down on yourself because he has these addictions--don't think less of yourself as a woman--or feel that you are somehow less of a woman because of his addictions--or tempatations
as they aren't about you--

We all have things we struggle with in our walk with God--even the Apostle Paul struggled--read through the Letters to the Romans--and the Letters to the Galations--read them as if they were written directly to you--

Melis79,


--I thought I married a good honest Christian man, who told me that he would always be faithful to me, who hated pornography and stayed away from it becasue he saw how it wrecked his parents marraige. But instead I married a pathologcal liar who is also a sex addict with homosexual tendencies. --

TR--I realize this may be difficult to understand at the moment--but there are no *good* Christian men or women (for that matter) out there--just as there are no 'good' non-Christian men or women out there--there are only sinners, some of which are saved by grace--

However, there are Christian men and women out there who can be honest--but before we can be honest with others--We have to be honest with ourselves and God--about who we are--Sinners

So in essence, you went into your marriage believing your husband wasn't a sinner--and thought he was perfect--and would never sin--at least not in this way--but sin is sin--and even what *we* deem as a small sin--is still sin before a Just and Righteous God--

And I'm sure your husband does love you--but he struggles with his sin--just as we all do (as mentioned before) and it was his giving into this sin that has caused you pain--just as my giving into sin has hurt others--just as your giving into sin has hurt others as well--

So how can you get past your hurt and pain to understanding that even though He is a sinner--God still loves Him--and God requires that you forgive Him--just as God forgives you for your giving into sin--

You say he's not repentant--how do you know, do you know his heart as God does?? he's admitting he has a problem--that is the first step to repentance acknowledging he has a problem--now God can begin to work in his heart from his honesty--

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Hey There,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am in a VERY similar situation. Part of my story is posted under divorced section under WhereDoIGoFromHere.

The rest of the story is that my H of 7 1/2 yrs has also been battling internet porn since he was a teenager and throughout our marriage. We are also Christians and you have every right to feel the way you do. I have been through the same range of emotions throughout the past month after he told me he didn't love me anymore, hasn't in a while, and came to find out about this EA that he has been having for about 2 months now. She even called my house the other night.

I have a few things I'd like to tell you about. First of all when this all hit me I immediately cried out to God and He met me like He never has before. I had been drifting away as well and when I cried out to Him - He said "Come Home" the next Sunday after this happened I re-dedicated my life - got things and got things right with Him and He immediately gave me this peace that truly does pass all understanding.

I have had some very rough times since then and hit a few "bottoms" . The hurt sometimes seems unbearable especially when I think about our 3 yr old son's future. All I can tell you that all I have to stand on right now is my faith and God's Word and I have been amazed at how time and again as I continue to seek Him out and take all my hurts and confusion to Him - He meets my needs every time.

I don't know where you are with God right now but I can promise you that if you draw near to Him - He will draw near to you and He will meet your every need. He is the only One who can.

Lean on your pastor, lean on godly people, seek out good Christian counseling. Go today and get the book - Every Heart Restored at your Christian bookstore by Stephen Arterburn and Fred and Brenda Stoeker - This has helped me tremendously - It is absolutley vital that you read this to help you understand this situation and to start sorting out your feelings.

Pray like crazy - get people praying for you - and when you don't know what to pray anymore ask the Holy Spirit to pray for you and He will. I also recommend a little purple book called The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word by Joyce Meyer - this has helped sustain me like nothing else.

Please know that while God did not cause this to happen - for whatever reason He did allow it and He can always take what Satan intended for harm and make the most beautiful things come out of them if we let Him. Maybe this is what it will take to bring your husband back to where he needs to be with Christ - and you can be a catalyst in that. I know it might seem so unfair right now but maybe God gave him to you because you are the only one who could help him through this. If you don't - who will.

You can't control what he says or does - but you can control how you respond. You may be the only light for Christ right now in his life. I am in no way suggesting being a doormat- but there may be another way to approach this. I also recommend getting the book Love Life For Every Couple by Ed Wheat and reading the last chapter on how to save your marriage by yourself before you make any permanent decisions. Every situation is different and this may not be the approach you can take right now but I think it's absolutely worth looking at before you file.

If he is open to anything at all - get him the book Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn - it has changed many a mans's life. It is also available on audio cd. I bought my husband both though he has been unwilling to use either so far.

Just remember you will be tied to this man the rest of your life anyway and your kids are going to need a godly dad whether or not you stay together. Their whole future is at stake.

I am praying right now for God to give you the strength, peace, comfort, and wisdom you need right now. I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. It is horrible and it is a nightmare of the worst kind but God will not give you more than you can handle.

"God's grace is sufficient for me, His strength is made perfect in weakness. "
2 Corintians 12:9

"I fear not, for God is with me; I am not dismayed for He is my God. He will strenghten me,yes, He will uphold me with His righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ever think or ask."
Ephesians 3:20

If God is able to conquer sin, death, and the grave and has the power to raise Jesus Christ from the dead - he has the power to heal your hurts, deliver your husband, and restore your marriage and we know these things are His will. He never leaves or forsakes us and He is our only Hope. Don't give up - there is hope and there is help. You will get throught this one way or the other but if you lean on God and trust in Him - you will get through this victoriously either way.

"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."
2 timothy 1:7

"I lean on, trust in, and am confident in the Lord with all my heart and mind and do not rely on my own insight or understanding. In all my ways I know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He directs and makes straight and plain my paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

I love you - God loves you and He will get you through this.