I would like to apologze for the link of this post but it is the first time i will have been able to get all this out. I am 28 my wife is 24 we have 2 beautifull children ages 3&5 we have been together a little over 8 years married allmost 4. In the beginning things were great we allways and still both agree that we have some kind of special connection something people dream of . During the course of our marriage I allways worked and provided a good income to the family. She was a stay at home mom until june 03. I was raised in a very dysfunctional household and carried some traits I did not know. When we would argue I would say things like I hate you, I wish we never married things along those lines. I didn't think anything of it we were fighting I thought you were supposed to go for the throat. I never once meant any of it. She has allways been a show no emotion person and as much as I know that it was difficult to understand . in Sept o3 she told me she wanted a break she couldnt handle the arguing anymore. I have allways been a insecure person so I thought she was seeing somebody there were strange phone calls things of that nature. Then in dec 03 the 2 of us (mostly her decision) ended up caring for my sisters 4 children due to sisters lack of caring (we found them in a hotel no food or parents to be found). In january she called me at work to tell me she wanted us to work on our marriage. I had been seeing a counselor and tried to get her to go but neither of us ever followed through we were awfull busy with 6 kids.
in march she told me she wanted a break again that things were't progressing. In april she confesses to sleeping with the guy I was concerned about in sept. I accepted that told her I loved her and wanted our marraige. still no working on our marriage. Then in june04 my brother who to say the least is a drain on society appeared in the past I have allways told him it was nice to see you but you need to go away. I wasn't strong enough this time and his lifestyle soon took over our home. I was in such a deep depression I quit my lifelong job and myself got involved in the drug lifestyle at this point I had lost all hope for everything I was sleeping on the couch most of the time unless she needed me. She quit saying I love you and there was no desire to spend time with me at all. She moved out sept 1st (wasn't planning on it till Oct). When she moved out I got a cell phone bill and called she was seeing somebody new now and had spent the night before the surprise move with him. After her moving I really lost control of what was going on in my life I lost everything what I had was in a storage unit and I was living in my truck. I got another place (still no job) and tried to peace life back together we still talked all the time and she still went competely out of her way to help me. She would call me to spend the night with her and I would. She was really concerned over where my life was going it was scary. I became involved with someone (no feelings what so ever) and then she wanted to be faithfull to one another and work it out I said it sounded great BUT I was so stuck in the lifestyle that I kept right on going she found me in a hotel the night after I tried suicide with another woman . The same night she called the guy she had been seeing and has been with him since. We have had several blow-ups that turned into her getting a restraining order. She would have me there one night then him then me I was very confused 2 days after the restaining order she called me to come over she was having panic attacks so I went to her. and she has been with him every night since and will spend the holiday with him. We are getting along as she has genuine concern for me we have allways said friends no matter what. She does not want to file for divorce but said if I want we can. She is focused on me getting better and I have started that process I have been clean for 3 weeks. Looks like I will have another job on tuesday I have counseling appts and I have for the first time in my life turned to the church for guidance. I am so lost and lonely I did not want any of this in my life and I am prepared to get my life back to what it was only better. I just do not know how to cope with the marriage she is and allways has been my best friend I know watch her fall in love with another man (she says it isn't like that but she has told me they sleeep together) I need not worry about my children she is and allways has been the kind of mom they should write books about. The foster children are with the state. I am living with my dad who is not a good loving influence but it is the only place I have to go at the moment as my friends have all pulled away due to my lifestyle and the people I was hanging around with. I want my marraige back I want to be the man I should have been all along I am so overwhelmed all I do is cry and drive around all day and night

lostinseattle,

Sorry you're here, it sounds like you've been through a lot. Congratulations on staying clean for 3 weeks and going back to church.

I have two suggestions. The first is to separate your posts into shorter paragraphs because it makes them easier to read (I was given the same advice when I first got here). The second is to go to AA or NA, if you haven't already. In my opinion, you will only do more damage to your marriage until you've gotten your own life in order.

((Lost))

Let me just echo Let’s advise, get into the halls of NA. You couldn’t deal with life on life’s terms and chose drugs, been there done that. Now that you have a bit of clean time you are “all I do is cry and drive around all day and night”. Man, that’s the life I want and I’m sure it looks pretty attractive to your wife. Granted you wife has some issues but you’ve got to take some time to find the peace and serenity offered in sobriety, not to mention the fellowship. Then and only then will you be able to work on a relationship.