Well, this will be my first holiday season alone. I have plans for today (going to a friend's mother's house for turkey dinner) and Christmas (going to my parent's house in CA).

Up until today, I thought having plans would lessen the hurt. But I am realizing this morning that it doesn't. I still know that I am missing my STBXH.

The sad part is that I'm not even sure I want to decorate or anything this year. The thought of going through all the ornaments that we have collected over the years, decorating the same apartment we lived in, and just "celebrating" anything seems wrong. It's almost as if I don't want the holidays this year.

I have friends, and they have been wonderful, inviting me to share their families. But I still do not feel like they are mine. I appreciate and love their offers, but it just doesn't seem to fit.

What are some of the things that helped you through your first holiday season?


PS - we have no children either, so no kiddos to stay happy and joyous for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> good and bad, I suppose......

Hi L.I.T. (whatever that stands for - I have to admit to being curious - do share!)

I don't have great advice for you. I can share my experience with my first D (doesn't THAT sound awful!) I spent it with my family and think that was worse than being alone, which is why I don't want to spend the holidays with them this year as I once again find myself going through a D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> The sad part is that I'm not even sure I want to decorate or anything this year. The thought of going through all the ornaments that we have collected over the years, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not been able to convince myself to go through the X-mas ornaments we collected over the years to see which ones to take. At this time, I'm thinking of leaving them all behind and not even looking at them. Not sure if I'll regret that decision or not. But I can certainly relate to how you feel, if that helps at all.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

{{{{{L.I.T}}}}}}

D'Day for me was right after Thanksgiving four years ago when my WH just up and moved out and turned up in a motel with the MOW. He returned for Christmas so as not to upset his parents, but he left in the afternoon and never came back.

I have no kids either, but we were raising his niece and nephew who stayed with me. I couldn't decorate either, but my niece did. The next year the kids were gone (niece had graduated and moved in with her boyfriend and nephew moved back with his parents) and WH demanded 1/2 the Xmas ornaments so he could celebrate with MOW and her daughter. I had dreaded separating the ornaments because they were so sentimental to both of us, but it wasn't as hard as I thought. I kept the ones I wanted and gave him the ones I knew were special to him along with all the broken ones I'd never had the heart to throw out, most of the Christmas decorations, and the huge artificial tree he'd picked out.

Even now, four years later, I don't know if I'll do any decorating. I've spent the last 3 Christmases with my brother and his lovely family and I may do that again. I understand the feeling that they're not "mine" and "it just doesn't seem to fit," but my advice is, do it anyway. It's hard at first, but it may not be as bad as you think. That's been my experience.

I know how you feel, and would welcome some advice also. I just got home from meeting my H to switch carseats and kids, and cried the entire one hour drive home. Do the holidays spark ANYthing with these peopel?

I am also spending the day alone. I have been invited by several, but I really think being alone may be easier than spending the day with other happy families.


cm

Hi everyone. Thank you for the replies....

Deja Vu:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have not been able to convince myself to go through the X-mas ornaments we collected over the years to see which ones to take. At this time, I'm thinking of leaving them all behind and not even looking at them. Not sure if I'll regret that decision or not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought of the same thing. But I'm not sure if that would be "avoiding" the pain instead of "going through it." - if you know what I mean. When H moved out permanently, I purged a lot of the little things that we had chosen together (little knick knack decorations, etc). But I feel almost like I was trying to avoid the hurt. And I don't want to postpone my healing.....so I suppose ultimately all that means is that the ornaments are sitting in the outside storage until I figure this out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

PS - LIT stands for "lostintx" - it was my screenname when I began posting....but then there were a couple of posts that I needed to do without my H reading them (with regards to something that happened b/w us), so I changed it. When I changed it back, it wouldn't let me go back to the same <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry such a boring answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

PPS - I am sorry you are going through this a second time. You must be a very strong person.


LetStry:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH demanded 1/2 the Xmas ornaments so he could celebrate with MOW and her daughter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. Although I am glad you gave him all the sentimental ornaments <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I did the same with our household items - gave him the ones with more "meaning" - like our wedding set of silverware. Sad thing is, later, he asked "where did we get that silverware? It is pretty nice, but we never used it. Are you sure you don't want it?" So much for him remembering sentimental items <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It's just odd - he seems to have very little trouble moving past the sentiment. I suppose it just confirms that he's wanted to be "unmarried" for many years. He did mention that in the month of counseling we had. At least he told the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even now, four years later, I don't know if I'll do any decorating. I've spent the last 3 Christmases with my brother and his lovely family and I may do that again. I understand the feeling that they're not "mine" and "it just doesn't seem to fit," but my advice is, do it anyway. It's hard at first, but it may not be as bad as you think. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I spent yesterday with my friend's mother, brother, and family friends. It wasn't bad...I have to admit. It was just "different." I suppose that's how I need to steer my thinking.... Different does not always equal bad .


CM:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am also spending the day alone. I have been invited by several, but I really think being alone may be easier than spending the day with other happy families.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I came so close to cancelling with my friend's mother. The only reason I didn't was because she had worked so hard to prepare things for us (her daughter couldn't come, but she has always treated me as a second daughter). I think I would have felt the same whether I had stayed home or not.

There have been many times when her daughter has come home to visit, and we would celebrate T-day or Christmas on an "off" date so we could have it with her daughter. It just felt like one of those times. My parents called me, but they were not celebrating yesterday either - rather, they will be having dinner, et al tonight with my brother and his girlfriend (they live in CA, I am in TX).

I will be spending Christmas with them in CA this year. I keep telling myself it won't really be that different than a couple of years ago. Two years ago, right before my A, H decided he wanted to spend Christmas with his family. It was my family's "turn", but he said he was going to his family's house whether I liked it or not. I remember telling him I would rather spend it with him, by ourselves (not at either family - thus, not making anyone upset) - but he kept telling me to just go to my family's house. So we spent the holidays apart.....first time in almost 7 years that we did. Didn't mean anything to him <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Looking back, it just fit into the sentiment of the time. He used to say to me "I wanted to come home from work, and then I looked at your face and wanted to go back." Hmmmmmmmm I suppose he was just trying to say he wanted to be apart. But later he confessed he wanted to be apart, but didn't want to "lose" me. I guess he just wanted to be single but have someone waiting in the wings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


Well, thank all of you for responding. It's at least very nice to know that I may feel a little alone....but there are many people here who make that "alone" feeling less intense. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving!

Maybe I will get my nerve up and at least hang some lights for Christmas....

{{{{{{{{{{{LIT}}}}}}}}}}}

Here is hugs from me!!! I can relate!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks, SerendipiT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> You've inspired me (hugs can be awfully healing)

{{{{{{{{CM, Deja Vu, LetStry, SerendipiT}}}}}}}}}

(Group hug)

For any and all of you who understand these feelings during the holidays.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hi L.I.T

I havent posted to you in a few, sorry about that.

While I wasnt really alone, I did have my kids and family with me. It was still hard.

I spent alot of the day on horseback. It was nice to get out in the woods all by myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> Deja Vu:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have not been able to convince myself to go through the X-mas ornaments we collected over the years to see which ones to take. At this time, I'm thinking of leaving them all behind and not even looking at them. Not sure if I'll regret that decision or not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought of the same thing. But I'm not sure if that would be "avoiding" the pain instead of "going through it." - if you know what I mean. When H moved out permanently, I purged a lot of the little things that we had chosen together (little knick knack decorations, etc). But I feel almost like I was trying to avoid the hurt. And I don't want to postpone my healing.....so I suppose ultimately all that means is that the ornaments are sitting in the outside storage until I figure this out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I look at it differently. For me, it's about leaving the past behind. We purchased (or received as gifts) ornaments that represented shared experiences - so what purpose do they serve for me now? Other than I liked some of them, but I am not sure I want to be surrounded by memories of the past. I'm starting over - new house, new furniture, etc. - only taking what was mine to begin with, or that I purchased for myself.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
PPS - I am sorry you are going through this a second time. You must be a very strong person.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or stupid! Which is what I need to examine now - why twice? There are similarities that I hope are just coincidence, but I doubt it.

L.I.T.,

I have taken a rather different approach to the holidays. When we were a family, we had certain traditions that we did as a family. When our family split up, I had a talk with my two kids and I told them we were going to make up ALL NEW TRADITIONS.

The three of us sat down and decided what WE wanted to do for OUR new traditions. Our family happens to be Jewish, but my exH was the one who was born Jewish and I converted--the kids were raised Jewish. So we decided to decorate windows and doors...and we went out and bought our own new decorations that we liked...and every year one of our traditions is to buy a few more decorations. We decorate inside with blue and silver, so the kids each do their own rooms, I do the living room, and we do the dining room and kitchen area together. We light the menora. Each of us made a new menora for ourselves, so sort of show where we were in our lives. We all go to my DD's holiday show (she's an ACTRESS and is always in a play or choir thing or something), and we make a fancy night of it. We all go to Handel's Messiah singalong because we like it (our family likes to sing). We have a BIG blowout party for all the kids' friends and all my friends--and we have it at our clubhouse a gift exchange and everything. We do holiday cards together: write the list...buy the cards...write the family newsletter...everything. We string up all the cards we get each year and make sort of a garland out of it--and now we have three years worth of garlands!! We make prime rib for our holiday dinner every year because we are beef eaters and prefer fancy beef to ham. We get Papa Murphy's pizzas on Christmas Eve and make pizza for Christmas (since we're Jewish)--and we lay around in our sweats watching movies and eating pizzas all day on Christmas. Each year we pick a theme, like Mel Brook's movies or The Godfather trilogy. On New Year's Eve, the kids make plans, and I invite friends to my house for sparkling apple cider and affirmations.

My point here, L.I.T., is that we stopped doing our "old" traditions and made NEW traditions. We picked stuff that WE liked that we never got to do before. OH YEAH--I forgot one of my favorites! Between Christmas and New Year, while the kids are off school, we take a day off and go way up into the mountains sledding and ice skating! We end the day with peppermint hot chocolate and McD's!! Anyway, my point is that we picked NEW traditions that we either liked from the past (and just added our own new twist) -OR- we added all new stuff that we always liked and never got to do.

If you don't like to cook for Thanksgiving, make it your new tradition to TAKE YOURSELF OUT TO THE BUFFET! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> If you like to cook, invite everyone you know who is single and has no relatives in town to come to your house (that's what I do every year, and I LOVE it!!). If you feel like you have nothing to celebrate, go volunteer handing out meals, and you will quickly be thankful. We do that too every year. We hand out meals from 11am to 2pm while our turkey cooks at home...then we rush home, make the stuffing, mashers, and vegies--then EAT with all our friends!

L.I.T., make NEW holidays this year. YOUR holidays. Wear pajamas all day. Decorate your whole house RED. Whatever you like that's different, festive, and YOU.


CJ

Oh boy. This is a hot button for me. My absentee husband came over last weekend and wanted to sort through the xmas ornaments. Seems that he's putting up a tree this year. This is the man who refused to even HELP decorate the 9 foot tree his mother gave us 4 years ago. Now he's putting one up himself and decorating it??? Oh well.

Anyway - he said he wanted all of his grandmother's antique ornaments, which was fine with me, but the trouble with that was that I had collected many of the same type of ornaments with the same designs. Since I feel as though anything that references his grandmother is contaminated, I was more than happy to just give him all of his nanny's ornaments AND my collection, since we couldn't tell them apart and if I wound up with one of his nanny's on my tree and not my own, I'd know it. It would sit there glaring at me, then it would start lying to the other ornaments about me, and then it would turn to me and baldly lie to me about lying about me...you get the picture. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway - for some reason I didn't find it painful to split up the xmas stuff. I guess I just thought of it as "stuff" and that may have helped me a bit.

As for the lonelies setting in on the holidays themselves? Well, I'm just going to settle in with a book, some good movies and pamper myself. My son will be with his father, my folks don't live near me and I can't afford to visit, and my husband goes to 4 different xmas gatherings with various branches of his family. His father would welcome me and my son, but my husband told that side of the family that he was divorcing me and now that he's changed his mind (for the time-being) he's embarrassed to tell his Dad, so he simply didn't invite us. I'm not pleased, but I kept my own counsel about it. His mother's side of the family is a different story. They're pressuring him to divorce me and leave me destitute (pleasant people, this side of his family) and although he doesn't like hearing their comments, he still puts up with them. He hasn't yet realized that the only way they'll start to respect his boundaries is if he draws them clearly.

Anyway - I don't know if I'm going to decorate or not. It's not a bittersweet thing for me, since I was the ONLY person who did any decorating and my husband would just walk in the door and say "wow, honey - that looks great!" and then ignore it all. So if I decorate, it'll be for me and I guess that's the point of my post. Anyone here who is going through the pain of a separation, regardless whether it's fresh or is beginning to heal, should decorate for themselves and their kids if they have any. If you can, forget about the absentee spouse, and if you decorated last year, do it this year. Don't let that spouse know that what s/he has done has you so upset you've stopped doing the things that brought you pleasure in the past. That's handing too much power over to them. Take the power back. Be proactive. Buy new decorations, make new ones if you can't afford to buy them. But if decorating for xmas is something you've always done, don't allow your absentee spouse to rob you of that pleasure. It's your pleasure-own it. Take it back.

And then have the most wonderful time you can. Buy yourself presents, wrap them, put them beneath your tree, fill your stocking and on Christmas morning, or Christmas eve, open up all those wonderful things you gave to yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with respect. Love yourself and above all don't allow your absentee spouse to steal your 'self'.

And they all said "amen."

Happy Holidays to everyone here. Be joyous and make merry.

Usk.

You know, I bought myself a bunch of stocking stuffers last year (still w/dh) -- rather than leave hint after hint and still not get what I wanted. IT WAS GREAT. My stocking was filled with wonderful things that I liked. From someone who loved me -- me.

What a great thought, I will definitely have to do that this year, while not alone, I'll be taking the kids to my brother's for Christmas, I have to remember to take care of myself, too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Buy new decorations, make new ones if you can't afford to buy them. But if decorating for xmas is something you've always done, don't allow your absentee spouse to rob you of that pleasure.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a way, I'm lucky because my XH never helped decorate a tree, never was interested in putting up decorations, and only hung the lights on the house after being asked many times, so it's not like we have any "special decorations".

However, this year will still be different because it'll be the first completely without him. Last year, the affair was in full bloom but he hadn't yet "officially" moved out so he was around for a few hours for our traditional Christmas Eve oyster stew and then was back home for a few hours again on Christmas day. It looks "normal" in the photos. This year it's just the kids and me.

Surprisingly, I feel a little better about Christmas than I did last year. I think because last year the pain was so raw and it's subsided more at this point.

So, while I'm too chicken to hang our normal lights on the house roof, I did light our small tree and our shrubs outdoors, hung wreaths around my outdoor lights, and even bought a small artificial tree and lit it and put it on my porch. Looks nice.

Now I just have to get the living room clean so I can put our indoor tree up this weekend...by myself...as always...

And we're going to continue our Christmas Eve oyster stew tradition, even though my son hates the stuff and I've always had to fix him chicken noodle. It was a tradition I brought from MY parents house into my marriage so I figure I don't have to give it up. XH can just make his own new tradition.

I bought some new decorations for my tree, and bought a new swag for over the fireplace. So it will still look sort of the same, but sort of different, too.

Thanksgiving wasn't hard because my parents and sis and her family were at my house. Christmas Eve I'm not all that worried about because it was always a bother for XH to be home in time to celebrate.

The toughtest for me will be Christmas day because XH's goofy face won't be there posing for the camera. The kids are both teens, so their gifts are more expensive and I'm not made of money. They'll probably only get one or two things each. Other than the little think my sis's family will give each of us, those will probably be our only gifts under the tree, since we don't have XH's Christmas bonus to go spend on gifts this year. I've bought several things for myself on pre-Christmas sale, but most have already been opened and used or worn, so it's sort of pointless to wrap them for myself now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

Hugs to you. This is a tough time of year. I'm hurting too, in spite of my best efforts. These are my first holidays without STBXH. I went to Dallas to break the news of the divorce to my daughter, who lives there, and spend Thanksgiving with my mother-in-law. My husband abandoned her as well as us, gradually....over a 4 year time....since the death of his father. It was hard to be there, since we had lived there as newlyweds 25 years ago. But it was wonderful to be with my mother-in-law and my daughter and her friends. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner!
For Christmas, my daughter, 2 grown sons and I will go skiing in Colorado (we're from Florida, so this is exotic for us!) My husband abandoned the family business too, so it is paying for this Christmas adventure. Next year, who knows? I may not have a dime. But new traditions beckon. Tree? Wreath? ...... Who cares? The holidays are about being with those you enjoy, whether they are blood kin or dear friends.

I was just going to post a topic about this when I saw this one.

Just got back from my staff xmas party. I felt terribly uncomfortable (being there alone) and a couple of people asked where's WW. I just said "Its a long story..." and walked away. I didn't want to talk about it at my XMAS party. Oh well... I went home early cause I couldn't hack it anymore. Oh well at least I went. I was contemplating jamming on the whole thing, but figured I should quit being such a wimp and go out there.

I sure hope it gets easier...

Merry XMas :-(

It will be the third christmas since all has happened for me. This year, I decided to do something different.

You have already received some excellent advice from some old timers and some new people as well. Since year 1, I have done the "create new traditions" thing and that's best. But what I did not do was get rid of all old christmas trappings like several nice wreaths which were made, some very nice designer christmas things. And I realized today as I am getting them out to decorate that it is not good and not in line with the new traditions.

So I have packed them up and am driving to the salvation army drop site so that they can bring joy to another family. It is important to do things new.

Happy Holidays. You will get thru this.

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply back here. I kept starting a reply, and then not being able to finish it for some reason.

But I am feeling a little better lately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

John - I am very glad to hear about the improvement in your situation. I know that even though there is a lot of work to be done, that you and your W will find strength in each other. You have an opportunity now to really support her in a time of need, and to prove your love to her once again. In some ways I am envious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (just call me green!)

DejaVu -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm starting over - new house, new furniture, etc. - only taking what was mine to begin with, or that I purchased for myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was my original thought as well. But I often fear that I will be prolonging my mourning period if I do not face everything. HOWEVER, in spite of that, I am trying to space things out. For instance, there are a few places I have not gone since the separation. So I will tackle those eventually. Going to a little bar we used to play trivia at, going to stores we frequented during the holidays, etc.

It is hard, for sure. But I need to move through it, I think.....for if I avoid it, I'm sure it will get to me in the future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just seems to be how I work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or stupid! Which is what I need to examine now - why twice? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't say you are stupid! You are a strong person, and you are learning from all of us. In fact, I think that makes you the antithesis of "stupid." You have my respect.....

FaithfulNewCJ -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> L.I.T., make NEW holidays this year. YOUR holidays. Wear pajamas all day. Decorate your whole house RED. Whatever you like that's different, festive, and YOU.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny, when you posted this, I had made it through Thanksgiving, and had a bit of an epiphany.....keep reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PS - praying for your little one. He will find his way.....some just take a little longer than others. Glad to hear he is home, though ((((((FNCJ))))))

Uska -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But if decorating for xmas is something you've always done, don't allow your absentee spouse to rob you of that pleasure. It's your pleasure-own it. Take it back.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Such a VERY important thing to remember. Oddly enough, it reminds me of when people in recovery tell the BS to "reclaim" certain things for their own relationship. I suppose the same philosophy applies - only just to a single R and not a M. Definitely a good thought to keep in the forefront.

LL -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've bought several things for myself on pre-Christmas sale, but most have already been opened and used or worn, so it's sort of pointless to wrap them for myself now...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I went out the other day and bought almost $100 worth of underwear, socks, and pj's! All of them worn and washed....no turning back now!

((((GettingThere))))) - wishing you the best ski trip in CO! It's been years since I went skiing, but I remember enjoying it very much. PS - I live in Dallas.....must have missed you passing through <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . You are right - Christmas is being with the ones I love. I will be with my parents and brother. Suppose I couldn't ask for much more.

((((Miker)))) - hoping you are feeling better. I posted this topic the morning of Thanksgiving....but you know what? By the end of the day, I realized I had made it through the holiday without my STBXH.....and I was OK. It has given me a little strength!

Justpeachy -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I realized today as I am getting them out to decorate that it is not good and not in line with the new traditions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have felt this way with a couple of things I have looked through. When H and I were separating, I had put "our" decorations all in one pile and said he could take whatever he wanted. He was horrified that I wanted to make a 'new life' for myself. But it is something that will help me heal! So I continue....

____________________________________________________________________________

So what have I decided to do this Christmas?

Thanksgiving gave me a great amount of strenth. It reminded me that I can't stop living my life just to let depression and sadness continue. Instead, I must change my own perspective.

So I bought a couple of red oil candles, bought some candles and am just trying to make things "new" or "mine"

I also brought a little living Christmas tree plant)lit it, but did not break out the ornaments......figure I will wait until after Christmas and then stock up on new, sale ornaments <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just decided that I was not going to let this event ruin my life. Sometimes it's easier said then done, but I feel better. I am happier (of course, I did wean off of Lexapro as well) most of the time. I am trying to look at all this as just a part of my life - a learning experience, and an opportunity to strengthen myself.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays.....and be strong. Find the silver lining amongst the clouds of pain. It really is there. But once you find it, don't lose sight of it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> DejaVu -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm starting over - new house, new furniture, etc. - only taking what was mine to begin with, or that I purchased for myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was my original thought as well. But I often fear that I will be prolonging my mourning period if I do not face everything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We all face things in different ways. There are two sides to every coin as well - from my father, who abandoned his first family during war time, I learned that life's blows can either knock us down, or drive us on. One way is looking backward, and the other way is looking forward. Sometimes we have no choice in the matter: like for my father, it can be a life and death decision whether we move on or not.

I learned to look ahead instead of backwards. The good side is I am usually a "survivor". The downside is I do tend to really move on, and I don't always leave the bridges up behind me. I don't think I prolong my mourning period, though. I just get to a point where I need recovery instead of mourning. I think moving on IS recovery for me, and that anything else is delaying recovery rather than prolonging mourning. Does that make any sense? But I really think it is a personal thing for each of us. My way isn't necessarily workable for anyone else.

DejaVu,

I apparently didn't really write my thought clearly. I hope you didn't take offense to what I said - I sincerely didn't mean to imply that what you did was incorrect.

In fact, I couldn't agree with you more about learning to move forward.

I guess the only real difference is that I have to place myself back in that position to look at the moment....and then move forward from that place. I have a tendency to emotionally "tag" a lot of things. An example - I can hear a particular song by the Cranberries, and it can still to this day, elicit the tiniest bit of sadness because it was attached to the memory of my first love - 12 years ago!

So for me, by placing myself back in that spot, it allows me to mourn, and then move on while reclaiming that event/song/moment for me.

I'm so sorry I wasn't very clear.....and I do agree with you wholeheartedly.

This year has been a tough one for me too. I wondered how I would get through the holidays, but God was looking out for me. My son came home for Thanksgiving (he's in the navy) and I got my first chance in a long time to cook whatever I wanted (without having to consider how fat it might make anyone there). I always had to remember to cook things that wouldn't put weight on my STBXH because he would say he wanted to lose weight but would never take any action himself. It was great even though I had worried about it for a long time. We split up in June tried to get back together at the end of July and the first of Aug. split again.
Neither of us had an affair, but his 21yr old daughter seemed to be his greatest concern. She always had from the time we were married 2 weeks. He was a very religios man - to the point that he let it take over and push me out. He didnt focus on the H/W relationship the Bible speaks of, just the F/ch part. So in a way it felt almost like he had had an affair the whole time we were married. His daughter wasn't doing anything my kids weren't doing except refusing to follow house rules to the point that she got mad about being grounded and moved out. Enough said.
Anyway, this year my daughter has a new boyfriend and they put up the tree and he put the lights on it, then I decorated it; along with decorating the inside of the house. Every year my decorations were a little different because I had supplies that I would put together each year to make new arrangements. That helped considering the change in furniture, etc.
Also this year I finally made a good female friend and the two of us get together at least once per week. That helps big time!
The two of us are planning on getting dressed up and going out - just showing off I guess, but it sounds like a lot of fun to me. I'm looking forward to it. And I know a few guys that are too. I've had five months to hurt really bad, so now it's time to learn how to have fun again. To learn who I am right now and learn to like myself again. It's kind of scary, but fun at the same time. I can be who I want to be and be with people who accept me the way I am.
This year Christmas is different for me. Since I've had an opportunity to make a new friend I've had the chance to get out and do things again. Something I never had with him. I actually get to be with other people instead of haveing to play hermit. I've been to Christmas parties - no alcohol allowed - and had some of the best times of my life.
Sometimes I think of the things I did like and hurt that those things will be gone, but there are new things coming in to take there place. That seems to be the key for me. Get out and do something different (just like the new ornaments I guess, except my new ornaments are people that care about me).
If you've got any friends that you can share part of Christmas with - then do it! It helps!
Merry Christmas!
jnb
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Me 38
STBXH 46
seperated since June 11
D-papers served about 30 days ago