When I first posted here a few months ago, I posted out of the need to "expose" my husband without actually doing so. I was angry and probably still am. Recovery from the emotional and physical abuse will take time. It is difficult because we are for all intensive purposes, divorced, just awaiting a judge's signature and he is still living here. What makes it difficult is that the abuse can be quite subtle but it always produces a feeling of shock and fear and shame. He is only able to blame, never looks inwardly, and thus, is able to keep putting me down. He accuses me frequently still of having an affair. Pathetically, I may have had an EA with someone I met online, never face to face or by phone. This man was actually the first person I ever told what was going on. I had suspected I was being abused for some time, took abuse quizzes etc. but always excused it. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. They didn't know that I ought to have been an award winning actress because I kept all of my sorrow and pain, fear and shame inside so that no one would know anything was wrong. I believed that they simply couldn't handle the truth. Everyone always seemed to be in some crisis of their own and I didn't feel that I should burden them with mine. One friend thought so well of me that she said she judged all of her relationships with other people, including her family, but her relationship with me. I felt honored, yet I couldn't speak. So, when I made some online friends through a video game I play (my husband got me playing the game so he could continue playing rather than spend time with me) I felt comfortable enough with one to eventually tell him. As it turns out, he was a counselor, he didn't hate me and it gave me the courage to tell a couple of my friends. Then a couple more. Then, a few months later, my family. Once I could speak about it, I had choices. I had asked to go to marriage counseling for years, but my husband always refused. I didn't know that one could go by oneself. After the cat was out of the bag, he agreed to go. But by then, I was so filled with rage and pain that it had replaced any loving feelings that I had had. This, was nearly two years ago. I agonized over divorce for so long, but finally, decided that there was nothing else to be done. My husband comes here and has made friends here whom he speaks with online and on the phone. They have recommended books and workbooks to him which he has, but has never opened. He speaks as though he is a loving Christian and knows which face to show to whom. So, I probably did have an EA. But it probably saved my life. Literally. Nearly five years ago, I became suicidal for about nine months. My husband knew it and still abused me. It was a pain that I cannot describe, but I fantasized dying several times a day, wishing I could just drop into nothingness to escape his words and behavior. I lived only because of my daughter. I was damned if I was going to let him crush her through the same tactics. This loving husband put me in enormous amounts of debt, refused to take me to the hospital when I was having early contractions with my son (it was 2am and a 45 minute drive which I did myself), bitterly reminds me frequently of the EA that I am actually grateful for that wonderful, blessed friendship, doesn't pay the mortgage on time, giving me 5 pink late slips from the mortage company since June (even though he has had the money to buy xb0x, gameboy advance, a new suv, ipod, and various other games, movies, etc.), accuses me of being in a cult (because of the books I read, chant in addition to praying, etc.), has threatened repeatedly that he would take the kids from me, yells at me for buying fruit, vegetables and lunchmeat because we don't need them, downloads all of my email to his account so he can read it, even has taken periodical screenshots of my online activity (I can kind of understand this, due to his fear and the fact that it was someone online that I first told, but being abused, I find this intrusion into my privacy abusive); I mean the list goes on and on and on. He even tried getting a lower paying job so that he wouldn't have to pay me the alimony and child support which will be over half his pay. He thinks we have 50% child custody when we have joint legal custody, but I have residential. He tells me I cannot take the kids with me to see my mother nor can I have my father here for Thanksgiving. It has always been like this. My daughter comes to me crying saying that Daddy had promised her he would play with her and she is looking to me to make him do it. I tell her that she must be the one to tell him how she feels. Sometimes, he doesn't listen to her. He treats her in very much the same way that he treated me with regard to spending time together and it breaks my heart that a little piece of her heart may be breaking.

This all sounds very sad. I guess that it is. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally knowing who I am. And I have learned that the divine spark God placed within each of us cannot be diminished by another. It is my spark, that He gave to me and I cannot let it get buried again. I won't. I have two beautiful, spirited, loving children that I must raise with the values that I cherish of honesty, integrity, generosity, and loving all.

Thank you for being here, blessings to you all. God's love shines on all of you, remember that you are worthy to Him.

I can't imagine anyone at Marriagebuilders would want you to stay and be treated like that. I honestly believe it is possible to be deceived by someone evil, into marrying them. After they have deceived you, you don't owe them a life of misery.

You have to fly away from that man; he's sick and evil and cruel.

Please don't stay anywhere near him; your post broke my heart.

Wow, Ignited One. Reading your story was like reading my own - except my H never physically abused me, and my A went to the PA level. But the derrogatory remarks, constant emotional beatings, neglect, etc.....just so similar.

I have said before that my A woke me up. Good or bad (the A itself was a horrible thing) - it had a silver lining....it brought me out of my own denial - my own marital "fog" if you will. I, too, spent years excusing my H's behavior. His learned XYZ from his parents. He is just doing that because he doesn't understand what a loving family is. His family is just different from mine.

I spoke to a friend of mine who was there when we were first dating (almost 10 years ago), and told her what we are going through. She had always been our friends, and was a bridesmaid in our wedding. The first thing she said to me was "He always treated you poorly - you just excused his behavior." It really shocked me, because I don't remember him treating me poorly when we were dating! But apparently, I had just denied it enough to block it from my memory. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It makes me realize how easy it is to stay in an abusive relationship - Now I know that I should have balanced being "understanding" with "realizing that understanding does not condone the behavior." If I had done that, I would not have enabled the abuse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My sympathies for your situation, IO. But I am glad that you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep that in focus - it will guide you through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hey IO-
I've been there. Your post is something I connect with. People who haven't been in an abusive relationship don't understand that the way you act, the fact that you are around, everything you do, is based on survival.
They will never understand that the physical abuse can be easier to deal with than emotional becasue it goes away, it gives yo proof that the man who is supposed to love you IS actually abusing you and it's not just in your head. No one will realize what a relief it can be to know you aren't crazy, aren't just reading into things, aren't just too sensitive.
I don't know if you felt that way at all or not, but what I mean to say is that I understand why you agonized over the divorce, and why you wanted to die, and why you are looking ahead now. Wow, you are a survivor and a very strong person. Don't ever doubt that.
If he loved you, he'd let go of the EA. hed be the bigger person in the M, and apologize for what ever it was that drove you to opening up to a stranger on line. That was not the act of a devious manipulating woman, but someone pressed to their limits and needing to reach out-- I think what you did was very wise. think of how bad it could have been. You could have broken down at the grocery store and told the people in line wiht you! You could have taken a fight into the street where the neighbors might have seen it.
Your H really doesn't seem to appreciate your considerateness, your wisdom, or the fact that you have been in survival mode.
Would you let someone like that take you to lunch?
My M was abusive on both our parts. The emotional was more than I could take, and I crossed the line first. Something in me, maybe from growing up with a big brother who picked on me some when we were quite young, something in me said "I Will Not Be Pushed Around." I'm not proud that I was physical, and will not be so again. This made it easier for him to cross the line right back. For awhile, he blamed the fact that were abusive on me.
That was awhile ago and we are better now. He's still not a very reasonable person, but at least he is nicer to me, and tries. We're friends now, actually. It's nice to know he wasn't all a lie.
But we are also getting a divorce which has lifted some pressure off the shoulders, most likely.
Your H sounds much further gone than mine. It's creepy to me that he posts here and shows the face that justifyes him.
One of the first, more subtle things my H did that really was pretty emtionally abusive was be friendly and make jokes to guests but then be cold and glare at me. I had no choice but to blow him off to attend to our guests. He cornered me and told me I was flirting. I said I wasn't. He said I was being insensitive to his feelings, that I just didn't care.
I said I did care, that he was out of line. That I'd tried to socialize with him but he kept giving me looks like I Was doing something wrong and I didn't appreciate it. He then said "You seem to get along with ____ really well. Seems like you two have a lot to talk about. Maybe you ahve a crush on ____."
I said no, I was just being a hostess, and having friendly conversations.
He as livid during our whole little talk, and then he went inot the living room, smiling, being light hearted, and totally ignoring me. I was crushed and couldn't enjoy myself. They were his friends, after all.
Even tho we are friends now, I think about this and it still can make me very angry. It just wasn't fair, you know? Not only wasn't it fair, it was so totally mean. I'd never imagined someone could treat someone else that way. I grew up in a safe home where my parents were respectful. Sure, my brother was mean, but he was just a kid, and was nice after about age 12.
I'm sorry you have gone through this. No one deserves it, and no, you didn't "pick a loser", and you didn't blind yourself to the way he was treating you any worse than anyone else does. You were meant to be decieved. What you saw and what you picked was someone who misrepresented themselves on purpose.
Next time, if there is a next time you'll see the red flags.
Keep that light burning, and keep your children safe.
LC

Thank you for sharing your stories. You were brave in writing them. The physical abuse was usually an afterthought for me, because it was never anything that left marks, unless fingerprint bruises or redness, but I mean, nothing broken, nothing black and blue. But ironically, as "little" as that was, my shame really did lie in the fact that I would do it too. That is why I couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't just that I was ashamed about what was being done to me, but about what I had done. I don't know why I didn't reveal that before. I think I was in my blaming mode, because believe me, I am not perfect. But these are the things I am working through and although painful, the spiritual aspect is a beautiful process. I have much to do in the way of forgiving him and myself, of learning to trust men in particular, but also trust in general; trust in myself, trust in others, trust in God.

In a way, my husband's being here and posting what he posts, the denial of the entire situation is so obvious. And, in some of the replies he has received, people have said basically, "you're not listening to me" or "you're not answering my question" and thus begin to see at least a small part of the problem. He never did listen to me. In fact, I was told that I was quite the nag. I only wanted to create the marriage I envisioned: loving and happy. Argh. Now I need to stop this self pity, lol...it gets me nowhere.

I do relate to the crazy feelings. There was quite a while where I wasn't really sure of things that happened. But believe me, that is one of the intents of abuse. I was never made the butt of jokes. That was one thing he did not do. But I understand all too well all of the other types thanks to a book I read by Patricia Evans. It was like reading my life and even though I knew I was abused, I had no idea that all of THOSE things were abusive. It took quite a lot of processing for me and I still have difficulty telling someone who isn't abused how a particular behavior is abusive. They don't necessarily get it and I don't necessarily explain it well enough. After I told my family, they knew that I was unhappy and that the relationship was unhealthy, but they could not accept that it was abusive. I am not confident that they do now. But let's be honest here, in order for them to accept it, they have to be willing to look at themselves and what they created or experienced. You know what they say about Denial, it ain't a river in Egypt. But again, it is a process of loving acceptance that they might not yet be ready for.

The only way the marriage could have been saved is if my husband had been able to admit and act upon what was wrong in the relationship by confronting it, accepting it, and working with it. He grew up in an extremely abusive family and hated his father for years. Never did I expect him to turn into that cruel man. But, the signs were there early on, in the beginning of our relationship and although I tried leaving several times, one thing kept me coming back and it is a major weakness of mine: sex. So, lol..you can see I did things the wrong way, made wrong choices, and now have the work to heal, forgive, and move on.

Blessings to you all.